


You and I (Can Make It Through The Night)

by GrimWednesday



Series: Clockwork Heartaches [2]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Blood and Gore, Changkyun Whump, Depression, Friendship/Love, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates, Temporary Character Death, Time Loop, overprotective hyungs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-02
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2019-07-05 22:13:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 48,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15872754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrimWednesday/pseuds/GrimWednesday
Summary: Six months after finally escaping from the disastrous time loop, Changkyun is still learning how to cope with the side effects.+++Distantly, as if his consciousness has separated from his body, he can hear himself scream and cry in pain.Darkness sets in… and less than a second later, reality blurs back almost just as quick. Changkyun blinks slowly as he finds himself leaning against a brick wall, nearly falling over from the trembling in his legs.Breathing heavily through his nose, Changkyun forces himself to stand up from the ground and clenches his fists tight, feeling his fingernails sinking into the flesh of his palms.There’s nothing wrong, everything’s fine. He’s fine.Barely a second later, he leans over and throws up his breakfast.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Please read the tags. There are graphic depictions of blood and gore and other unpleasant subjects such as mentions of suicide.

It’s early in the morning and the dorm is completely silent. Quietly padding into the bathroom, Changkyun heaves a frustrated sigh out of his suddenly dry mouth, grimacing as waves of pain continue to radiate throughout his heavy head. After stumbling over his own feet, he slowly sits down on the ground, resting his back against the wall and pulling his legs in to wrap his arms around them. Stubbornly ignoring the panic building inside of him, Changkyun focuses his glassy eyes on the tiled bathroom floor, inwardly hoping that his pounding headache will go away. Less than a second later, he finds himself tilting sideways and barely manages to catch a glimpse of the door slowly creaking open before he suddenly blacks out.

When he opens his eyes again, he’s hit with another wave of pain, but so, so, so much stronger. Crying out as his nerves practically burn from the pain, adrenaline rushing through his veins, he looks down and is caught by a sudden wave of dizziness as he realizes that his leg is nearly torn off, only attached by thin flaps of skin that are close to severing. 

“Changkyun,” a ragged voice yells, and his attention instantly shifts to his left, past the hulking, flaming shell of an overturned train cart. Catching sight of Hyungwon’s soot and blood stained body lying underneath Hoseok, he instantly feels his heart freeze in his chest for all of a millisecond before it starts beating again in overdrive, pumping adrenaline throughout his wrecked body. The raging inferno of fire is edging closer to Hyungwon and Hoseok and Changkyun scrabbles forward on his arms while dragging the dead weight of his legs, trying to get closer to drag his bandmates away from their demise.

“Changkyun-ah, help me! Changkyun-ah!” Hyungwon pleads through gritted teeth, glassy eyes overflowing with tears. “It hurts, please, please help me!” 

“Hyungwon! Hold on, please, I-I’m almost there,” Changkyun hoarsely yells back, fingers raw and tender from first and second degree burns, crawling forward slowly inch by inch until he can just barely touch Hyungwon’s ashy hair. Hyungwon looks at him from the corner of his eyes, stubbornly holding Hoseok against his side despite the fact that the older man is entirely too still and bloody to be anything else but dead. Hyungwon’s mouth trembles as he inches his hand forward to clutch at Changkyun’s blistered hand, letting out another loud sob. 

“Changkyun-ah,” Hyungwon moans through the tears and Changkyun gives him a shaky smile despite the feeling of blood rushing out of the stump of his leg. He’s in so much pain that he feels like he’s going to pass out. 

“W-we need to get out of here, hyung,” Changkyun says but it’s entirely too late. Only moments later, a heavy section of burning debris crashes down on top of them and Changkyun’s vision goes dark with one last yell echoing in his ears. 

When Changkyun opens his eyes again, he finds himself resting against something warm and solid and he pulls away with a near silent groan, feeling sick and shaky. He instantly understands that he’s just experienced another episode. These blackout episodes where he re-lived old cycles had started to occur right after his little stint with the time loop and although it’s been nearly six months since that fateful day when time finally stopped rewinding over and over, Changkyun is still dealing with the effects of living through hell for nearly four years. 

“Changkyun-ah...” Hyungwon’s low, raspy voice whispers near his ear.

Changkyun doesn’t bother to respond right away, still caught up in the the memory he’d just finished re-living. Blinking repeatedly as the bright fluorescent light from above stings his retinas, Changkyun hisses underneath his breath, looking around while he reorients himself with the real world once again. Everything's the same as ever - the same white walls of their small bathroom, the same colorful towels hung up to dry, the same cold tiled floor that’s always been here - yet at the same time, nothing's the same.

Hyungwon keeps staring at him out of the corner of his eyes as he leans back to rest right next to him. He’s trying to act detached and indifferent, doesn’t want to make it seem like he’s hovering over him worriedly, but Changkyun can see right through his act. 

“I’m fine,” Changkyun mutters, rubbing at his eyes absentmindedly. 

“I wasn’t worried, I-I didn’t say anything,” Hyungwon retorts with a quiet voice.

Changkyun snorts. “You don’t have to. That look on your face says everything.”

Hyungwon’s mouth purses into a tight line and he looks away to stare at the wall instead. Changkyun takes a deep breath and suddenly stands up, swaying slightly as his sore legs betray his balance. Hyungwon’s hand wraps around his arm to steady him and Changkyun notices the concerned look on the other man’s face. 

“Not worried my ass,” Changkyun grumbles and Hyungwon grunts in frustration, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

“Well, any time I try to show concern, you nearly bite my head off,” Hyungwon mutters. “But you can’t really blame me for being worried. This is the second time this week, Changkyun-ah. It’s getting worse.”

Hyungwon’s right, Changkyun’s been experiencing more episodes lately where he’ll black out completely. The only good thing was that it seemed to happen mostly at night and that it didn’t seem to interfere with their schedule. Changkyun’s not sure how long that will last, though...

“What time is it?” Changkyun sighs, walking towards the sink and turning on the cold water. He splashes his face with it and tries to think of a way to ignore the impending conversation with Hyungwon. 

“Close to three in the morning, I think.”

Before Hyungwon can say anything else, Changkyun dries his face with the arm of his loose sweatshirt and walks out of the bathroom with the older man following behind closely.

“Changkyun-ah, I really think you should consider telling everyone else what’s happening—”

“I’m tired,” Changkyun interrupts. He stops in front of his shared room and looks back at Hyungwon through exhausted eyes. “I just want to sleep.”

Hyungwon stares at him calculatingly and whatever he sees seems to be enough to stop him from protesting. “Do you want to sleep with me?” Hyungwon whispers, stepping slightly closer.

Changkyun pretends to think about it even though he already knows the answer. “Maybe another night.”

Although Changkyun’s been saying the same thing for half a year now, Hyungwon just nods in quiet resignation. “Okay, that’s fine. Good night, Changkyun-ah.”

“Night, hyung.” 

Changkyun walks a couple of steps into the room before he looks back on a sudden whim. Meeting Hyungwon’s conflicted expression, he feels an ache in his chest that he can’t describe. Before he can think twice about it, he retraces his steps until he’s in front of Hyungwon again, barely a few inches away. 

“Sorry…” Changkyun starts but he can’t quite finish the sentence. He feels stupid and selfish for shutting Hyungwon out, but he doesn’t want to burden the older man any more than he already has. He’s already ruined his own life by trapping himself in the stupid time loop, he has to be able to handle the repercussions of his own mistake without dragging Hyungwon down with him. He has to keep his distance from Hyungwon in order to fix himself, has to pretend that everything’s alright and that he’s fine and that he’s not just a broken shell of a person. It’s easier said than done.

“Don't apologize,” Hyungwon interrupts through his muddling and depressive thoughts. The taller man sighs softly and draws Changkyun into a warm embrace, squeezing his waist tightly in reassurance. “Sleep well, Changkyun-ah. At least try.”

Changkyun whispers an empty agreement before he steps back and walks into his room, padding softly towards his own bed. He gets underneath the covers and closes his eyes but sleep is a long time coming. 

**+**

“Should we cancel practice?” Minhyuk speaks up, voice subdued. Hyunwoo and Hoseok stop speaking instantly and turn to look at the blond, following his gaze to the corner of the practice room.

At first glance, they only see the messy heap of coats and scarves that they’ve discarded in preparation of their dance practice. It takes a moment to see, but the coats move the tiniest amount and Changkyun’s huddled form suddenly becomes noticeable from underneath the pile of winter clothing.

“Is he okay?” Hoseok asks, moving forward until he can kneel down next to Changkyun. Instead of waiting for an answer, he gently shakes Changkyun’s shoulder and waits. 

“What?” Changkyun grumbles back, glaring at the older man through slitted eyes. “Where’s my coffee?” 

“Here, sleeping beauty,” Hyungwon’s wry tone interrupts as he steps into the practice room with two large insulated cups. He stops right next to Hoseok and bends down to hand over one of the cups and although Changkyun grumbles as he sits up from his pile of coats, he greedily grabs the cup and takes a sip. 

Only a few minutes later, he yawns despite his intake of caffeine, eyes tearing up from the strain. 

“Why don’t you head home and rest?” Hyunwoo suggest with a careful tone. “You look like you barely got any sleep last night.” 

“I slept fine,” Changkyun insists. He chugs down the rest of the coffee and stands up, ignoring Hoseok’s hand reaching out to help him. “Why aren’t you bothering Minhyuk instead? He hurt his leg a couple of days ago but he’s still here practicing. Why should I be the only one that gets a reprieve? It’s not fair.“

“I’ve already rested and my leg doesn’t hurt anymore,” Minhyuk replies, stretching in front of the mirror. The fact that he avoids everyone’s gaze says otherwise, and Changkyun snorts at the obvious lie.

“You’re right, it’s not fair,” Kihyun points out as he puts his phone away, sighing slightly as he leans back against one of the seats lining the wall. “Why don’t you both go home, then? There, problem solved.” 

“I’m not going home!” Minhyuk insists, whining slightly. “I still haven’t gotten the details of the choreo down and we’ve got a concert in a week. I need to practice.”

“So do I,” Changkyun adds, crossing his arms together.

“You really don’t. So what if you miss a few details of the dance? Is it really that important?” Hoseok pipes up, backing up Kihyun. 

Changkyun growls and crushes the empty foam cup in his hand in frustration while Minhyuk huffs as well, mouth pursed in a stubborn expression.

“Just drop it,” Hyungwon interrupts, voice unintentionally rough.

Everyone stops in their tracks and they all seem to take a deep breath collectively. Kihyun closes his mouth and Hoseok looks away from them all as if trying to reign in his frustration at the situation.

A second later, Minhyuk suddenly reaches for Hoseok’s hand and wraps himself around the older man, offering a quiet apology. Changkyun stays silent although he inwardly feels bad for being such a stubborn shithead. He knows that his members only mean well but he can’t help but get angry when they coddle him like a child. 

“Let’s just get started and see how it goes. Minhyuk-ah, please tell us if you need to stop,” Hyunwoo prompts carefully, taking a long swig of his water bottle. Everyone mumbles an assent and a few minutes later, their practice finally starts.

Although Changkyun’s eyes feel heavy from drowsiness, he can dance perfectly fine. Ignoring the sweat making his hair stick to his forehead, he stares straight at the mirror and follows along with everyone else while secretly keeping an eye on Minhyuk. His weariness is proven right when Minhyuk grimaces in pain in the middle of a complicated turn and nearly falls over.

“Minhyuk!” Changkyun shouts in alarm, trying to reach for Minhyuk quickly but Hyunwoo beats him to the punch, grabbing the blond around the waist tightly before he can completely fall on his face. After he sits down with some help, Minhyuk looks up at the multitude of eyes on him. 

“I’m fine. I think I turned too quickly, I must have slipped or something,” he laughs lightly, fanning his flushed face. 

“Don’t be an idiot, you’re obviously still hurt. Go home and get some rest,” Kihyun murmurs, looking slightly pissed. 

Disregarding Kihyun’s comment, Minhyuk turns to look at Hyunwoo with a pout. “Hyung, we both know that I need to practice more. I’m not in sync with the rest of you, I’m pretty sure you’ve noticed. Please just let me practice.”

Hyunwoo hums in consideration, trying to ignore the pleading look that Minhyuk sends his way. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Minhyuk crosses his arms and narrows his eyes into an obstinate glare. “Well, I’m not leaving.”

“Hyung, why are you being so stubborn?” Jooheon whines, sitting down on the floor and breathing heavily.

“Jooheon-ah, should you really be complaining? You fell asleep at the studio last week because you stayed up way too late,” Minhyuk counters, mouth pursed once again.

“We’re all a mess,” Hoseok mutters quietly to himself but everyone hears him regardless.

“That just means we’re family!” Jooheon replies with fake cheerfulness. ”Those who suffer together, die together— is that how it goes? Close enough.” 

As soon as he says it, Jooheon starts to regret his choice of words. Considering the events that happened six months ago, the words strike a little too close to home. Hyungwon’s accompanying glare is almost expected at this point as well as him subtly moving closer to Changkyun by instinct, as if he could shield him from the words. 

“That was quite tasteless, Jooheon,” Kihyun hisses quietly. “Please be careful with what you say.” 

Unintentionally, everyone turns to look at Changkyun in unison who looks completely unimpressed at the turn the conversation had taken. “Don’t apologize,” Changkyun warns though he knows it’s quite useless. 

“I’m sorry,” Jooheon says anyway with a guilty glance. 

“I told you not to apologize,” Changkyun mutters, turning to glance at the blond sitting down on the floor. “Minhyuk hyung, let’s go.” 

“Go where? I’m fine.”

“Everyone knows that you’re obviously lying.” Sighing, Changkyun rubs at his eyes tiredly. “I’m tired, hyung. I know you won’t leave if it’s by yourself so I’m going with you. Now, please let’s go home home so you can rest your leg before you fall and break your ankle completely.”

Almost instantly, Minhyuk nods in agreement, biting his lip hard. Changkyun’s not surprised, he already knew that Minhyuk would agree to go home if Changkyun went home too. Lately, it’s almost laughable how much they watch over him, as if they’re afraid that he’ll hurt himself once again if they don’t constantly monitor his every movement. 

Once they’ve both put on their jackets, Changkyun helps Minhyuk to the van where their manager Hongshik is waiting for them, looking sympathetic towards Minhyuk’s quiet suffering as he steps carefully into the van, looking uncomfortable. The ride home is quiet with the low hum of the radio filling the silence though at least they get home quicker without any traffic jams. 

Once they arrive home, Changkyun helps Minhyuk walk inside. 

“Do you want to lie down or would you rather go to the living room?” Changkyun finds himself asking at the entrance to their dorm, turning on the lights with his free hand. 

“Um, living room I think,” Minhyuk decides, sounding somewhat unsure. Rather than dwell on the reason why, Changkyun walks forward and helps the blond until he’s seated on the sofa in the living room, looking slightly out of breath. Changkyun leans down to take off his shoes and afterward, he inspects Minhyuk’s hurt ankle, noticing that it’s starting to swell.

“I’ll be back,” he murmurs, passing Minhyuk the remote control before he walks to the bathroom and quickly finds the ice pack, heading to the kitchen to fill it up. When he returns to the living room, he’s not surprised to find Minhyuk snuggled into the cushions with a blanket wrapped around him, inquisitive brown eyes trained on him.

“You’re being quiet. Is it because you’re not feeling good or because you’re pissed that you got sent home?” Changkyun asks, placing a towel over Minhyuk’s swollen ankle to prevent him from getting ice burn before he settles the ice bag over it.

“Neither,” Minhyuk answers, and doesn’t continue despite Changkyun’s obvious silence prompting him to go on.

Ignoring Minhyuk’s expectant gaze, Changkyun yawns before he can help it and turns to go to his room but he’s stopped by Minhyuk’s hand reaching out to grab his shirt in a loose hold. 

“This is the point where you ask why,” Minhyuk whines, sounding slightly hurt. Changkyun closes his eyes and groans internally, turning around when Minhyuk continues to tug on his shirt insistently. 

“Why, hyung?” Changkyun asks carefully, watching Minhyuk wriggle around the sofa until he’s cleared a space right next to him, patting the space invitingly.

“Come here and I’ll tell you.”

Changkyun considers declining but he doesn’t actually want to hurt Minhyuk by rejecting him, so he simply glares at the floor for a moment before he steels himself and gingerly sits down. Instantly, Minhyuk wraps his arms around him tight, as if he’s afraid that Changkyun will try to run away. Changkyun lets him, moving around carefully until he’s more comfortable. Minhyuk stays silent afterward, breathing in slowly and obviously enjoying the moment. 

“Did you lie to lure me into your trap or did you actually want to talk?” Changkyun asks after a few minutes of pure silence. To be honest, he wasn’t entirely opposed to falling asleep on the sofa, but in the end, the safety and darkness of his own bunk bed calls to him. Besides, if he stays here long enough, he might actually experience another… episode. The thought disturbs him enough that he actually stiffens for a few seconds before he manages to snap out of it.

“I just wanted to spend some time with you,” Minhyuk eventually mumbles out. “You’ve been shutting yourself in your room far too often. I miss you.”

“Oh… I’m sorry,” Changkyun apologizes, voice low and quiet. The distance was intentional, actually. Changkyun’s afraid that everyone else will find out about his blackouts but although he’d been acting distant, he’d hoped that everyone would just brush it off and pass it off as exhaustion from their schedule. He should’ve known that it wouldn't work with how observant his hyungs have become. 

“Don’t apologize, that’s not why I said it. I just want to know what’s going on,” Minhyuk whispers, warm breath tickling Changkyun’s sensitive nape. 

Scrunching his shoulder to ward off a shiver, Changkyun stares at the wall on the opposite side of the room. 

“You know the reason why,” Changkyun eventually mumbles back. “Do I really need to spell it out for you?”

“But… we all thought you were doing better, at least it seemed that way,” Minhyuk responds, voice cracking the slightest amount.

“Why the hell would you guys think that?” 

“I—”

“Tell me, hyung. I know you all talk about me when I’m not there, so go ahead, tell me what you’ve been saying. Truly, I’m curious,” Changkyun digs and although he knows that Minhyuk would rather stay silent than discuss the topic any longer, he won’t leave the older man alone until he answers. Somehow, it feels like the tables have turned and Changkyun much prefers their reversal of roles. 

“Changkyun-ah, I’m hungry,” Minhyuk whispers in return and Changkyun rolls his eyes at the obvious attempt to change the subject. 

“Why do you guys think I’m doing better? Tell me and I’ll heat up some lunch for us.”

“I’m _really_ hungry,” Minhyuk whines, voice pitched high as if to amplify the sentiment.

“So am I! So tell me, quickly,” Changkyun needles back, frowning at the blond’s stubbornness.

“I don’t want to make you upset.” 

“You’re past that point, Minhyuk.” Changkyun bites his lips but he can’t hold back the dry laugh caught in his throat though it doesn’t last long before it tapers off into a sobering silence. “Why do you ask uncomfortable questions if you’d rather not know the answer?” 

Annoyed all of a sudden, Changkyun tries to stand up from the couch, pulling away from Minhyuk’s warm embrace. Instead of letting him go, Minhyuk clings tighter and Changkyun growls as he pushes away from him with determination. Realizing that it’s pointless to try to hold him back, Minhyuk finally releases him but in the process, the blond man tumbles off the couch and lands on the ground. Almost Instantly, Minhyuk scrunches his face in pain and whimpers, quickly reaching for his ankle and holding it tightly, afraid to move. A second later, he actually starts to cry, huddling into himself and rubbing the skin around his ankle carefully.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Changkyun curses, instantly kneeling down in front of the older man. “I’m so sorry! Is it broken? Minhyukkie, do I need to call Hongshik to take us to the hospital? Minhyukkie?”

Minhyuk seems to pull himself together and he lets out a shaky exhale, brushing away the hot tears trailing down his cheek. “No, I—I don’t think it’s broken, I just jostled it and it twinged. I’m fine, I was just surprised.”

“Are you sure? Don’t lie to save face,” Changkyun warns but Minhyuk continues to wave away his concern at the same time that he tries to pick himself up. Changkyun belatedly springs into action, helping Minhyuk stand up and helping the older man sit down on the couch once again. 

After a few minutes of uselessly staring at Minhyuk, Changkyun starts to walk away. “I’ll make lunch,” he mumbles before he practically escapes to the kitchen like a coward.

After glaring at the kitchen counter for a few moments while he listens to the small sniffling sounds coming from the living room, Changkyun sighs and starts to heat up some lunch, though he finds that his hunger has all but disappeared. 

When he’s finally managed to scrounge up something halfway decent, a good hour or so has passed though Changkyun can admit that half the time was spent fucking around and trying to delay the inevitable. Eventually, he can’t put it off any longer so he grabs the plates of food and heads for the living room, stuffing a soda into his hoodie so he can deliver the food all at once and go hide in his room afterwards. 

Of course it doesn’t work that way. Instead, he puts down the food within arms reach of the older man and within seconds, there’s a hand once again clutching at his shirt and pulling, forcing him to sit down next to Minhyuk.

“Where are you going? You need to eat too,” Minhyuk cajoles with a pleading gaze.

Changkyun tries to come up with an excuse, but in the end, Minhyuk’s liquid gaze and the guilt from earlier are entirely too much to handle. He caves almost instantly, and ends up sitting next to Minhyuk while they share the plate of vegetable fried rice as well as the bowl of instant ramen. 

Halfway through their meal, Changkyun puts down his chopsticks and glances sideways at the older man. 

“I’m sorry, hyung,” Changkyun musters out through the lump in his throat. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“It’s okay, Changkyun-ah. Let’s not apologize anymore, or we’re going to be here all night. Thanks for making lunch,” Minhyuk suddenly smiles, expression bright. He puts his bowl of ramen on the table and then he shifts closer to Changkyun, grimacing when he moves his feet. 

“Do you want some painkillers?” Changkyun offers, though he knows it’s useless to ask because he doesn’t even know where the medicine is kept. Six months later, and he’s still not allowed to use painkillers without supervision. Minhyuk shakes his head and sighs, resting his head against Changkyun’s shoulder. 

“Don’t worry about it, I’m fine.” 

Eventually, Minhyuk falls asleep draped all over him and Changkyun hates himself too much to even complain even though he’s itching to go hide in his bunk bed. Closing his weary eyes, Changkyun cards his fingers through Minhyuk’s platinum blond locks while the clock in the living room continues to tick, on and on and on.

**+**

Changkyun hates the fact that he unintentionally let it slip to Minhyuk that he isn’t doing as well as everyone thought he was because the thing about Minhyuk is that he’s a huge gossip and worrywart. Naturally, the first thing Minhyuk does is tell absolutely everyone about Changkyun’s declining mental state in a meeting that he must not have been privy to. Changkyun has a violent urge to whack the older man across the back of his head in revenge and Minhyuk must realize this because as soon as he encounters Changkyun all by himself, he backtracks out of the room quickly after mumbling a ridiculous excuse, as if he’s afraid to be alone with him. 

Because of Minhyuk’s actions, Changkyun notices that he’s being watched closer than before. His group member’s paranoia and careful handling of him had slowed down considerably in the last few months but when it suddenly increases all of a sudden, it pisses him off, extremely. 

“Did you tell them about my fucking episodes, hyung?” Changkyun grits out, staring at the older man seated across from him. 

Hyungwon’s less than impressed by the harsh tone of his soulmate but he simply takes a sip of his frappe, ignoring Changkyun in favor of looking outside. They’ve hardly had the chance to go out lately, with their schedule being so busy and now that they’ve managed to get away for a little while, the older man obviously wanted to enjoy it.

“I thought you invited me out to spend time with me, not to play twenty questions,” Hyungwon sulks, absentmindedly licking foam from his lips. Changkyun tries not to get distracted by the action and he fails spectacularly. He pinches his leg in order to focus again and then frowns at Hyungwon with renewed vigor.

“Well, if you didn’t tell anybody, then why does Jooheon want to sleep with me all of a sudden?”

“Okay, I didn’t know he had asked but how is that weird? Everybody’s offered to sleep with you before to ward off any nightmares but you never allows us to,” Hyungwon responds patiently. 

Changkyun huffs and rubs at his temple as if to ward away a headache. “Well, I thought I made it pretty clear that I didn’t want that. So why is Jooheon suddenly trying to convince me to sleep together when it’s been months since anybody has asked?”

“Because Minhyuk’s a blabbermouth.” Hyungwon’s mouth twitches as he says so, inwardly amused by his own choice of words and Changkyun snorts.

After a few seconds, Hyungwon takes another sip from his frappe and starts playing with the straw, biting the end of it softly in thought. “Jooheon probably offered to be your bedmate because we’ve all noticed that you’re not sleeping well. I really didn’t tell anyone about your episodes, Changkyun-ah but maybe I should. Because of Minhyuk, everybody knows that you’re not doing as well as you say you are. What’s the harm in letting them know the whole story?”

“Don’t,” Changkyun growls out, tapping his fingers on the table in irritation. The thought of them finding out is unthinkable and he feels suffocated at the thought of it, blood rushing to his head and making his head pound.

“They need to know,” Hyungwon replies carefully, lowering his voice until he’s practically whispering. “One day, you’re going to have a blackout in front of them and I’ll have to tell them the truth about what’s been going on and they’re going to be furious with both of us for keeping it secret. I don’t like keeping this from everyone, please don’t make me keep lying.”

“It’s your fault that you have to lie anyway for finding out in the first place!” Changkyun bites out through gritted teeth. “If you hadn’t charged into the fucking bathroom months ago when I was having a blackout, you wouldn’t have to deal with any of this.”

“I barged in because you wouldn't open the door! I was fucking worried about you, how is that a crime? And don’t be stupid, of course I have to deal with this. You’re my soulmate.” 

“So what if I'm your soulmate? It doesn’t matter.” Changkyun regrets saying the words as soon as they leave his mouth, but it’s too late to take them back.

There’s a loud silence that persists for a few seconds, Hyungwon staring at him disbelievingly. Suddenly, the older man’s eyes turn slitted, looking suitably angry at Changkyun’s careless response. “What do you mean, so? I love you Changkyun, don’t you understand?” Hyungwon leans across the table to grab his hand and Changkyun pulls it away before the older man can reach it. 

“If you love me, then let me deal with this on my own! I can handle this, this is nothing compared to the fucking time loop! I just need a chance to get my shit together, Hyungwon, but I can’t do that with you and everyone else breathing down my back constantly! Night and day, night and day, there’s somebody always there! Just leave me alone and I’ll figure out how to fix myself! I don’t need you! I don’t need anyone!”

“You weren’t able to fix the time loop by yourself, what makes you think this will be any different!” Hyungwon hisses. “You’re not going to be able to fix yourself by isolating yourself and pushing everyone away!” 

Hyungwon’s words sting and Changkyun feels anger burn hot in his veins, his stomach feeling weak like he’s going to throw up the boba tea he swallowed earlier. “I _will_ fix this all by myself, just fucking watch me,” Changkyun spits out and he rises from his seat and stalks away to the exit of the coffee shop without looking back.

**+**

There’s noise all around him and his head is pounding; rather than head back to the waiting room, Changkyun clutches the cold bottle of water in his hands and purposefully gets lost further in the maze of hallways of the building. Bowing his head low in greeting to a group of seniors passing by, he moves out of their way as they rush the opposite way. When he finds an exit door, he quickly goes through and finds himself in a narrow alley, next to a dumpster. Feeling out of sorts while his eyesight blurs, he stumbles next to a dark corner and leans into the wall for support right as a loud blast goes off. The building shakes from the explosion, the walls crumbling down into dust and almost instantly, terrified screams fill his ears. 

It’s not real—none of it is real and he knows it deep in his heart, but it’s too late, the fugue has already taken hold of him. The wall before him blurs and he’s suddenly in the middle of their waiting room, looking at the bodies of his friends strewn around the rubble. Hoseok is coughing out blood and dragging himself closer to Kihyun by sheer force of will, though the younger man is completely still and unmoving.

“Kihyun! Kihyun! Wake up, Kihyun!” Hoseok screams and Changkyun’s tired of his hysterical voice, as awful as that sounds.

“He’s dead,” Changkyun screams back, trying to pull away the older man but he’s pushed aside easily, landing on a pile of destroyed chairs. Digging himself out and feeling his broken leg crunch as he steps forward despite the injury, he growls and turns around from the sight of Hoseok losing his mind at the death of his soulmate. 

Surveying the wreckage, he wipes away the blood dribbling down his chin. Hyungwon’s not here, but he has a strong feeling that he’ll have to search for him—it’s a common theme in a lot of the cycles he’s lived through. Minhyuk’s nowhere to be found either, he might be underneath the wreckage and he’d rather not think of that at all, so he forces himself to search again until his eyes land on Jooheon next to the window of the room, glass shards surrounding him completely. He’s alive, although incoherent as he opens his swollen eyes and blinks incomprehensibly, unable to understand what happened. 

“It’s alright, Jooheon-ah,” Changkyun whispers, hissing under his breath as he kneels down and helps Jooheon stand up. The older man is acting like a shell shocked kid, eyes wide and teary as he clutches onto Changkyun, shaking from the trauma as he takes in the sight of the destruction surrounding him. Jooheon flinches away as Hoseok suddenly lets out a raw, inconsolable scream, crying for Kihyun to wake up.

“W-what happened?” Jooheon stutters out through chattering teeth but Changkyun doesn’t respond, simply drags Jooheon to Hoseok’s side and leaves him there without instruction. Catching sight of Jooheon’s shell shocked face, nose starting to bleed from the head trauma he’s sustained, Hoseok abruptly stops screaming. He stares silently for a few seconds before he reaches for the younger man and clutches him tight to his chest, wiping at the blood on Jooheon’s pale face. 

“It’s okay, Jooheon-ah, everything is going to be okay,” Hoseok sniffles out through the heavy tears clouding his eyes. 

Changkyun turns away from the sight, eyes narrowed. He walks further into the pile of smoking rubble and holds a hand to his face as the acrid stench of burning fills his nose. Part of the building must be on fire, but he ignores the warning heat as he keeps walking. Rather than find the rest of the members, Hyunwoo finds him first. The older man stares at him with surprise at first before it turns into overwhelming relief.

“Thank god,” Hyunwoo murmurs, voice choked with emotion. He staggers forward and folds Changkyun into his arms, unbearably tight. Changkyun’s hearing goes fuzzy and he’s barely able to hear Hyunwoo’s worried voice. Pulling away from the older man, Changkyun steps back and shakes his head back and forth, unable to hear Hyunwoo as he speaks to him with clear concern. 

Coughing while his ribs strain against his chest, Changkyun scowls as Hyunwoo tries to drag him away, back to the destroyed waiting room. Changkyun can’t find the words to explain that he can’t go back because he has to find Hyungwon, even if he’d rather not see the state that he’s in.

“Just go, hyung. Jooheon is really hurt, and Hoseok...” Changkyun trails off before he can say Hoseok is going crazy— even though it’s the truth—and shakes away the hand on his arm. “They need your help.”

“They’re okay? I’d thought they’d….” Hyunwoo swallows painfully and collects himself, faster than Changkyun thought possible. The older man surprises him sometimes, and he thinks back to that first time he’d seen Hyunwoo wield a gun in defense of his friends. He’s strong and dependable, but right now, Changkyun doesn’t care. He needs to find Hyungwon, so he pulls away from the older man, trying to head the opposite way.

Hyunwoo resists the action. “Changkyun, we need to leave before it’s too late, come on,” Hyunwoo insists, trying to pull him along with a fearful glance behind him. The flames are visible now, slowly advancing towards them and burning up the remnants of wood and steel and brick. 

“I’m fine. Go help Jooheon and Hoseok,” Changkyun insists, and before the older man can stop him, he runs forward, deeper into the building. He climbs through the rubble and slinks through the cracks of blown out walls, crawling underneath fallen beams of wood even as he coughs out from the heavy smoke all around him. 

It takes him a while, but eventually, he finds him. Staring at the lanky body shrouded by tattered pieces of ripped clothing and chunks of raw meat, he resists the urge to vomit. Walking forward with trepidation, he gets close enough to catch sight of Minhyuk’s head and chest a few feet away. Right beneath his shattered ribs, his body’s gone, disintegrated from the explosion. It doesn’t take him long to figure out that Minhyuk had shielded Hyungwon from the explosion and was probably the only reason why Hyungwon was still alive, though barely with his arms wrapped around his midsection to stem the flow of blood from an unseen injury. 

Ignoring the way his stomach flips from nausea or from fear, he kneels next to Hyungwon as the older man’s glassy black eyes track his movement. Tears are streaming down Hyungwon’s face, mixing with the blood dripping from a gash across his temple and Changkyun doesn’t even know why he bothers but he rips the sleeve of his white button down to tie a bandage across Hyungwon’s injured head, tying the ends neatly and apologizing quietly as Hyungwon whimpers in pain at the action. 

“It’s okay,” Changkyun promises, “everything’s going to be okay.” 

“Ch-changkyun-ah,” Hyungwon stutters out before he starts to cough violently, red spittle and saliva trailing down his chin as his chest shakes from exertion. Changkyun grimaces at the sight and shakes his head back and forth, horrified at the sight of his soulmate suffering unimaginable pain.

When he suddenly feels a blast of stifling heat, he looks up. They’re surrounded by a ring of fire, and although Changkyun know that neither of them are making it out alive, he still feels dread writhing in his stomach. Taking off the rest of his tattered shirt, he drapes the material over Hyungwon and carefully picks him up, ignoring Hyungwon’s pained screams as the hole in his stomach continues to bleed him dry.

Staggering towards a dark corner next to the flickering lights of a blocked exit sign, Changkyun wraps his arms around Hyungwon and blocks the older man’s view of their soon to be demise, pressing Hyungwon’s face against the crook of his neck and shielding him from the flames.

“W-we’re going to d-die,” Hyungwon sobs miserably and Changkyun cards his fingers through the older man’s gritty burnt hair, trying to calm him down even though he’s scared too. 

“It’s okay, Hyungwonnie. I’ll protect you,” Changkyun whispers, lying through his teeth. Hyungwon grips his shirt tight and pulls back from his chest, staring up at Changkyun through red-rimmed eyes overflowing with tears.

“Y-you promise?” Hyungwon asks with a haunted expression, bloodless lips stretched into a pained grimace.

The flames are closer now and the ceiling above them is a myriad of orange and red flames. In the distance, Changkyun thinks he can hear the screams of his friends calling out for them.

“Everything is going to be okay,” Changkyun repeats, forcing himself to move his lips until he can form a semblance of a smile. Hyungwon seems reassured by the comforting gesture and he leans his head forward again, closing his tired eyes.

Changkyun murmurs comforting words against the older man’s hair and a few minutes later, he feels Hyungwon’s breathing starting to slow while his lungs strain for air. The shock from his injuries seems to set in properly and the older man stiffens in his arms, groaning as his tired arms become limp and release the pressure on his midsection. Changkyun quickly takes over, pressing his hands against the deep wound but it’s too late as he feels Hyungwon’s guts start to spill out from between his fingers. Hyungwon is too weak to last for much longer and he dies soon after, body going cold and stiff despite the flames licking at his heels. 

“Everything is going to be fine,” Changkyun hisses softly and presses a kiss to Hyungwon’s bandaged forehead, valiantly trying to ignore the feeling of his flesh melting from his bones as the flames surround them both.

Distantly, as if his consciousness has separated from his body, he can hear himself scream and cry in pain. 

Darkness sets in… and less than a second later, reality blurs back almost just as quick. Changkyun blinks slowly as he finds himself leaning against a brick wall, quickly falling over from the trembling in his legs. He looks up and takes in the dark narrow alley of the music building, standing perfectly intact like before. There’s been no explosion—he’s just re-lived one of the cycles of the time loop. But no, that’s not quite right. No matter how many cycles he’s lived through (one-thousand-six-hundred-and-one, he’ll _never_ forget), he’s never experienced that exact one. Was it a nightmare? But how was that even possible, if he’d been completely awake? It doesn’t make sense...

Breathing heavily through his nose, Changkyun forces himself to stand up from the ground and clenches his fists tight, feeling his fingernails sinking into the flesh of his palms. 

There’s nothing wrong, everything’s fine. He’s fine.

Barely a second later, he leans over and throws up his breakfast.

**+**

“Where’d you go, earlier? We couldn’t find you…” Jooheon trails off, sounding somewhat hesitant.

“I went to the bathroom,” Changkyun easily lies. He stares into the bowl of food in front of him and mashes the food around, feeling nauseous by the smell of cooking meat. It’s been a while since he’s been put off by the smell of grilled pork, but his scent sensitivity's been triggered by the blackout earlier. Although he’s hesitant to even call it that since it didn’t follow the usual pattern, he doesn’t know what else to call it. 

Watching Hyungwon lift a slice of pork to his mouth and hiss slightly from the hot juices, Changkyun grimaces in disgust. When Hyungwon looks up and their gazes meet, Changkyun quickly looks back down at the table.

Although he notices the weird exchange, Jooheon doesn’t say anything. The older man picks up a spoonful of his food and offers it to Changkyun with a grin. “Come on, it’s your favorite.”

“I don’t like spicy foods,” Changkyun mutters while glancing at the dubiously red spoonful of broth and Jooheon rolls his eyes.

“I know, but this isn’t even spicy.”

A few seats down from them, Hyunwoo takes a few pieces of raw pork and starts to grill another batch of meat for the group, calling out to the elderly owner of the restaurant and asking for beef this time. The sound of meat being placed on the grill and the soft sizzling sound that follows makes Changkyun squirm in discomfort. He puts down his fork and grabs a napkin, wiping his hands clean while Jooheon moves the spoon of proffered food around enticingly. 

“Come on, try it. You’ll like it.”

“I don’t want any,” Changkyun insists, putting down the napkin. It takes him a second to realize that he’s gathered the whole table’s attention as they stare at him and his half-eaten plate of food. Changkyun regrets piling the food into little separate mountains because it makes it that much more obvious that he hasn’t really eaten much. Kihyun looks disconcerted and Hoseok and Hyunwoo furrow their eyebrows in concern. He doesn’t even bother looking at Hyungwon because he knows what to expect—that serious, silent gaze, with the corners of his plush lips downturned the slightest amount. He’s tired of looking at Hyungwon’s disappointed face, it’s starting to piss him off. 

The silence at the table is awful, and Changkyun hates it. He reaches for Jooheon’s spoonful of broth, still wavering in mid-air, and carefully places it in his mouth, swallowing the broth without really tasting it. It tastes extremely bland, everything does, but Changkyun just swallows the liquid and licks his lips. 

“You’re right, it’s not that spicy.” With a mischievous grin, he switches their food around, placing his half-eaten plate in front of Jooheon and holding the bowl of broth protectively in his hands. Jooheon’s mouth gapes open at the action before he starts to laugh. 

“Yah, you’re too much, Changkyun. I said you could try it, not that you could have it, you brat!”

Despite his mock offended tone, Jooheon doesn’t even try to get the bowl of broth back and Changkyun laughs in response, slurping down the broth as he leans into Minhyuk’s side for protection, who simply chuckles. 

A short bit later, the elderly restaurant owner brings the plate of raw beef they’d requested and Hyunwoo’s attention is distracted. Everyone else watches Jooheon and Changkyun play fighting for a few minutes before they seem to relax. 

“You should’ve said that you didn’t like your food and we could’ve ordered something else for you,” Hoseok comments later as he slurps on his glass of soda. The conversation at the table has picked up once again but Changkyun doesn’t miss the fact that everyone is still watching him while trying to be subtle about it. Changkyun snorts internally because they’re anything but subtle. He swallows another spoonful of broth even though his stomach protests the action.

Changkyun shrugs in response to the older man. “I didn’t think it mattered. I’ll tell you next time.”

Hoseok seems satisfied at the response and he grins. “You want to try my noodles? The poached egg is good.” 

“I don’t like poached eggs, hyung. Aren’t you tired of ramen?”

“Of course not! There’s so many different types to try!” 

And that, at least, is enough to get Hoseok started on a long-winded conversation about how many different types of ramen there are, as well as the difference in ingredients that vary from region to region.

Barely a few minutes later, Kihyun pushes his elbow into Hoseok’s side, making the older man groan.

“We get it, Hoseok, you love ramen. Now for the love of god, shut the fuck up.”

The whole table laughs and Changkyun laughs along with them with a bitter taste in his mouth. He hates acting but at least nobody is looking at him anymore and he’s beyond glad.

**+**

A couple of days later, Changkyun wakes up from a nightmare in the midst of a scream. He recoils at the images playing in his mind, whole body shuddering in horror in remembrance of being flayed alive while his aching teeth bite into the fabric tied around his mouth. Fingers quivering, Changkyun pulls off the gag he uses to muffle his screams and throws it aside carelessly before he pulls away the blanket covering him until he’s finally able to breathe in fresh air. The room is quiet, apart from the slow humming of the whirring fan as it blows air across the room. It’s still early in the morning, barely a few hours after everyone’s gone to sleep but Changkyun still strains his ears and listens, making sure nobody else had woken up from the noises he’d made.

Once he’s sure that he’s in the clear, he brings his fingers to his throat and grimaces at the feeling of his raw vocal cords. He rubs the creases of his lips, feeling dry and painful from being stretched open by the gag, tongue feeling heavy. Without a second thought, Changkyun slides out from his bunk bed and trods out of the room. Instead of going to the kitchen to get a glass of water, he stops in front of the other room instead. 

Hunching his shoulders and rubbing at his face tiredly, he pushes open the cracked door and slips inside. He glances at the bed roll on the floor and barely makes out the form of Hyunwoo sleeping, legs sticking out from the covers; the older man always runs hot in his sleep. He turns his head to glance at the top bunk where Hyungwon usually sleeps but he’s momentarily surprised when he sees Hoseok’s sleeping face instead, mouth pursed open and exhaling softly. 

Feeling panicked all of a sudden, he looks at the bottom bunk and instantly relaxes once he sees the lanky form of his soulmate stretched out across the bed. It’s not that unusual for Hyungwon and Hoseok to switch bunks, after a busy schedule, Hyungwon can’t be bothered to make the effort to climb up to his top bunk so he’ll steal Hoseok’s bed sometimes.

After Changkyun’s breathing has slowed from that momentary panic, he walks forward slowly and kneels beside the bed, barely a few feet from Hyungwon. The raven-haired man is grumbling in his sleep, unintelligible words that don’t make any sense. His hair is still slightly wet from the shower, and the blanket covering him is wrapped tight around him, like a cocoon. Even lying face down with his cheek squished against the pillow, he looks comfortable. Changkyun sits down and watches him sleep, that awful dreadful feeling that follows a nightmare slowly fading. He wants to slink into bed with Hyungwon and breathe in his scent and curl his hands around the older man’s waist. He wants to do more than that too, but they’re still not over their last fight. Changkyun regrets it even though he’s the one who had instigated the fight in the first place. 

When his eyelids grow tired and he starts to sway side to side, Changkyun drags himself up and spares one last glance at his sleeping soulmate before he slowly pads out of the room and back to his own bed. His body feels sore from sitting on the ground for so long and he hisses softly at the feeling of pins and needles crawling up his legs as he staggers into bed and pulls the covers over himself. He’s so tired that he almost falls asleep before he remembers the gag. Holding back a tired growl, he searches his surroundings until his hands finally manage to touch the familiar cloth. With a weary sigh, he ties the strip of fabric around his mouth and gets comfortable in bed before he finally closes his eyes. This time, he doesn’t dream.

**+**

“Here,” Hyunwoo murmurs and places a large thermos right in front of Changkyun. Changkyun glances up at the older man in confusion and waits for an explanation, but like usual, there isn’t one forthcoming. If Changkyun’s learned anything over the years about Hyunwoo, it’s that the older man is very straightforward, so he has to be too.

“What is this?” 

“Coffee. You’re sleepy and we’ve still got some interviews to do later today.”

“Oh,” Changkyun responds, glancing down at the thermos. “Isn’t this yours?” 

“Yeah. You don’t want to share? I even put the right amount of milk and sugar that you like.”

Blinking slightly, Changkyun looks back down at the thermos and unscrews the lid, pouring himself a cup. “Thanks, hyung.”

“Hm,” Hyunwoo murmurs back and glances into the recording booth. It’s empty, actually, and the sound engineer who’d been working with them had already left but that doesn’t deter Hyunwoo who stares into the empty booth as well. 

“Was recording okay?” Hyunwoo eventually asks and Changkyun hums noncommittally.

“It was fine. I messed up one of my verses but I’ll just record it again tomorrow.”

“Good.”

The silence stretches on for longer this time and Changkyun drinks the thermos cup of coffee in his hands. It’s not as light as when he makes it, and there’s a little too much sugar, but it’s not that bad, all things considered. Changkyun hands Hyunwoo the second cup full of coffee and they take turns drinking it while their midday break slowly passes. After this, they’ll have to get ready to leave for the interview followed by a trip to a radio show. Changkyun’s not really looking forward to it, but that’s not unusual anymore. 

“Changkyun, do you want to switch rooms?” Hyunwoo asks abruptly, looking at him through dark watchful eyes.

Changkyun blinks slowly and chugs the rest of the coffee in his hands. He screws the lid back on to the thermos now that it’s empty, and hands Hyunwoo the heavy metal container. 

“No, I don’t want to switch rooms,” Changkyun answers quietly. “I’m going to go stretch, please excuse me.”

Hyunwoo hums softly in response and continues watching him and Changkyun rises from his chair and walks out the room, stretching his arms upwards from fatigue. When he’s far away from the recording room, he finally stops walking and groans in frustration. It’s quite clear that the older man had somehow seen him in the room last night after his nightmare, watching Hyungwon sleeping. It’s embarrassing, but more than that, it just confirms everyone’s suspicions that he’s still messed up from his stint with the time loop. 

Changkyun glares at the wall and balls his hands into fists, trying to stop himself from punching the wall. This absolutely blows—Changkyun doesn’t want them to know the extent of his fucked up brain and the fucked up situations it keeps making him re-live. He doesn’t want to be treated like a child any more than he already is. They must think he’s pathetic. It’s been six months and he should be over this by now but whydoes it feel like it happened just yesterday? Nothing makes sense.

**+**

“Aren’t you getting ready for dinner?”

Changkyun glares at the wall, sullen. 

“Kihyun’s talking about going to get some fried chicken. We just arrived in Bangkok, and he wants to go eat fried chicken!? Can you believe him, he's such an idiot... How about you hold him back and I’ll punch him in the face?”

More silence.

“Okay, okay, fine. I’ll be nice and hold him back for you while _you_ rearrange his face, does that sound better?”

“Go away,” Changkyun grumbles and a few seconds later, a pillow is thrown at his face. Changkyun quickly grabs it and throws it back at Hyungwon with a deep set scowl. 

Hyungwon huffs and crosses his arms. “Why are you so mad, Changkyun-ah?”

“You know exactly why.”

Hyungwon sighs and sits down at the end of the bed. “Do you hate me that much that you can’t even share the room with me?”

Changkyun growls and looks away from the dark eyes focused on him. “We never room together, Hyungwon! I always share hotel rooms with the manager, or Jooheon. Do you really think I can’t tell that you’re forcing me to room with you so you can watch over me? I’m fine! I don’t need a caretaker or whatever the hell you’re trying to be.”

Hyungwon stands up quickly and opens his mouth as if to lash back, but nothing comes out. After opening and closing his mouth a few times, the lanky man sighs deeply and gives up, ruffling his dark hair in frustration. He unplugs his charging phone and stuffs it into his dark gray hoodie, pulling on his sneakers without a word.

“I don’t want to fight, Changkyun-ah. Just… come join us at the lobby when you’re ready.”

Hyungwon leaves the room and Changkyun is left to stare at the closed door of their hotel room, feeling angry and frustrated and ashamed at the mean words that keep slipping past his mouth. Why can’t he stop fighting with Hyungwon? It’s been half a year since he revealed his mark to his soulmate, half a year since they’ve officially completed their bond, but it doesn’t feel like it. If anything, he feels worse off than before when Hyungwon didn’t even know that they were soulmates. At least back then, he was getting along well with the older man. Lately, he doesn’t even know how to act around him and he doesn’t know how to fix the widening rift between them that he caused in the first place. 

A loud vibration jolts him out of his dark spiraling thoughts. Changkyun glances at his phone and reads Hoseok’s message urging him to hurry up and threatening to send Minhyuk up to the room to help him get ready. Ignoring the message, Changkyun digs through his luggage for a comfy jacket and a minute later, he leaves the room as well and heads downstairs to the lobby where everyone is waiting for him.

“Yah, why are you late, you punk? We’ve been waiting for half an hour, don’t you feel bad for your hyungs?” Hoseok whines as he crosses his arms. 

Kihyun snorts and rolls his eyes. “It’s only been five minutes, stop exaggerating. Come on, Changkyun-ah, are you ready to go?”

Changkyun nods in response and shuffles forward slowly, skirting around Hyungwon who’s lazily leaning against Hyunwoo. 

Minhyuk laughs as he glances at Kihyun. “You’re such a sucker for the maknae. Weren’t you complaining about Changkyun taking forever to get ready right before he got here?”

“I don’t recall,” Kihyun drawls, snaking his arm around Changkyun’s shoulders and leading him out the doors of the hotel while everyone follows behind.

It’s cold outside, though it’s to be expected since it’s December. The short drive to the street market doesn’t take long and before he knows it, Changkyun’s following behind his teammates while they walk around the crowded street, searching for a good place to eat. It’s hard to walk, there’s fans all around mixed in with regular shoppers and the tight press of bodies is almost suffocating. Though Changkyun would love nothing else than to turn right around and head back to the hotel room, it's way too late for that so he waves at the fans and resigns himself to the push and pull of the crowd.

They make it to a restaurant eventually and settle down into a corner booth away from the windows; no matter how much they love their fans, it gets hard to eat comfortably when they know they’re being photographed and recorded. 

The food is good and the atmosphere is warm but during the entirety of dinner, Changkyun can’t help but feel guilty when he notices that Hyungwon won’t even look at him, as if the older man was afraid to make him angry again.

“Why are you looking so serious, Changkyun? Are you tired?” Minhyuk asks, laughing as he notices a smudge of sauce on Changkyun’s chin. He grabs a napkin and reaches across the table to clean the smudge.

“My face always looks like this,” Changkyun fires back, leaning away from Minhyuk’s errant hand and stealing the napkin to wipe the smudge himself, ignoring the pout on the older man’s face at having his help rejected. Feeling full, Changkyun offers the rest of his bowl to Hoseok who smiles in appreciation and finishes the last of Changkyun’s soba noodles while sending a sly smirk at Minhyuk, silently teasing the younger man for having won Changkyun’s affections.

“You’re both idiots,” Changkyun mutters with a long-suffering sigh. Ignoring Hoseok and Minhyuk’s affronted and indignant expressions, he stands up and mutters an excuse about going to the bathroom. Once he’s safely ensconced in the little bathroom stall, Changkyun closes his eyes and grimaces at the sharp bolt of pain in his head. He’d hidden it well during dinner, but he’s got a massive headache that won’t go away. He rubs his forehead uselessly and wills away the headache, feeling blood pound in his ears at the same time that pressure builds behinds his eyes. 

“Are you okay?” Hyungwon's quiet voice interrupts.

Changkyun startles at the sound of his soulmate’s voice and he opens his eyes and glances at the space underneath the stall, spying Hyungwon’s dark sneakers on the other side. 

“Why did you follow me into the bathroom, you pervert?” Changkyun grumbles with a rough voice, grinding his palms against his closed eyes as the pounding in his head increases. 

Hyungwon doesn’t respond to the obvious provocation, only sighs softly. “If you have a headache, I can go get you some medicine.” 

“I don’t have a headache,” Changkyun answers through clenched teeth but he betrays himself when he stumbles back and almost falls into the toilet. Grimacing as he manages to catch himself in time, he leans against the wall.

“I’ll be out in a few minutes, I just really have to piss. Can you please go away? It’s uncomfortable if you’re standing right outside the fucking stall,” Changkyun roughly growls out. He only manages to say that much, barely hears Hyungwon’s response as it’s drowned out by the loud squealing sound of tires sliding against asphalt followed by a loud and thunderous crashing sound. Changkyun feels like he’s being flung around and around, and his sensitive stomach churns unpleasantly. The next time he opens his eyes, he instantly feels his heart sink when he finds himself floating upside down with a seat belt digging into his chest and cutting into his skin. Across from him, Kihyun’s blank eyes stare back at him, red sludge trailing from the slashing wound of his neck and dripping downward to cover his face.

The next thing he knows, Changkyun feels a sharp pain against his head and he groans as he finds himself lying on the ground of the bathroom stall, blinking inexplicably at the abrupt change of scenery. The light shining above is bright and annoying and his head still aches, though now the pain is radiating from the side of his head where he’d fallen to the ground and landed heavily enough to hurt.

“Changkyun! Changkyun are you okay?”

It takes him a few seconds to understand what the hell happened, the fact that he’d had a blackout and had only broken out of it by falling down and shocking himself back into full consciousness. He doesn’t register the frantic knocking on the door until a few minutes later. 

“Changkyun, please open the stall!” 

“M’fine,” Changkyun manages to respond, feeling slightly dazed. His shirt feels wet for some reason so he looks down and stares at the stain on his shirt, recoiling when he realizes that he’s somehow vomited on himself, how fucking disgusting.

“Please open the stall!” Hyungwon pleads and Changkyun feels annoyance all of a sudden, the knocking sound against the door making his head hurt even worse at the same time that mortification floods his whole body. He wipes his wet chin and grimaces at the sour taste in his mouth.

“Please leave me alone,” Changkyun murmurs quietly, tucking his knees close to his chest and resting his head on his weary arms. 

“Changkyun, please let me in! A-are you hurt? Do you need help?” Hyungwon stutters, sounding worried and desperate. 

“You’re so annoying,” Changkyun groans, blood rushing in his ears. “I’ll be out in a few minutes. J-just leave me alone. Please, Hyungwon. Please...”

Maybe it’s the fact that Changkyun’s voice cracks halfway through his sentence or maybe he’s just had enough of Changkyun’s bullshit problems and his shitty attitude, but for once, Hyungwon actually listens. Changkyun watches Hyungwon’s dark sneakers from underneath the stall, and after a few silent seconds that feel like an eternity, the sound of footsteps echo in the oppressive silence of the bathroom. The bathroom’s outer door shuts close and Changkyun sighs in relief for all of a few seconds before the guilt comes crashing down on him, heavy like cold waves that keep battering his tired body down until he feels like he's drowning.

He’s okay. Everything’s okay. Tomorrow… Tomorrow will be better.

**+**

That night, Changkyun sleeps like the dead. Despite his reservations about sleeping in the same room as Hyungwon, he finds that he doesn’t wake up the whole night and even though he wears the gag just in case and slips the covers over his head to hide the fact, he needn't have bothered because he doesn’t have his usual nightmares. 

In the morning, Changkyun gets ready for a packed schedule full of events and interviews and photoshoots.

Halfway through their last interview for the day, Changkyun’s head starts to hurt. When it comes time for him to answer questions, he can’t help but to deliver clipped and boring answers, hoping to hell the interview ends soon. When they’re in the car going back to their hotel that night, Kihyun sits next to him and rubs his shoulder softly, resting his head against his gently. 

“Bad day, Changkyun-ah?” Kihyun whispers quietly, silently pressing for an answer to his unpleasant mood. 

Repressing the urge to push away the older man at the small interrogation, Changkyun scrubs his hand across his face. His eyes hurt and they’re making his head pound once again. 

“My head hurts. Can I have some medicine?” Changkyun grits out, gnashing his teeth together. The fact that he has to ask for permission in the first place rankles his pride.

In response, Kihyun purses his mouth and looks to the seat in front of them. Even though he doesn’t turn around from his seat, Hoseok quietly shakes his head up and down in response to Kihyun’s silent question. He’d been listening in to their conversation; in fact, everyone has. To prove the point, Hyunwoo looks back from the seat in front and takes in Changkyun’s sweaty forehead and flushed skin followed by the annoyed grimace on his face.

“Only two pills for now. If it still hurts tonight, we’ll go buy some tea from the store,” Hyunwoo answers quietly. 

In response, Kihyun hums softly and reaches into the pocket of his jeans, pulling out a small black container. Unscrewing the lid, he takes out two small white pills and hands them to Changkyun, placing them on the palm of his hand. Without a word, Jooheon offers his full water bottle to Changkyun to help him swallow the pills. 

“You’ll feel better in no time,” Jooheon offers with a small hesitant smile. “ Do you—uh, do you want to see this music video? It just came out yesterday…” 

Trying to ignore the fact that taking painkillers has become a fucking team event, Changkyun slowly nods in response and grabs the offered earbud from the second youngest. During the whole drive to the hotel, Changkyun forcefully immerses himself into the music coming from the single earbud, blinking lazily at Jooheon’s phone screen as the older man shows him song after song.

Perhaps if he ignores everything else, he can forget about the fact that Hyunwoo is watching him through the reflection of the window glass or the fact that Minhyuk’s smile looks a little sad around the edges or the fact that Kihyun and Hoseok keep turning to glance at him with concern shining on their faces. He manages to ignore all of these little things, but somehow, he can’t ignore the fact that Hyungwon hasn’t said a single word to him since yesterday evening after that disastrous event in the bathroom stall. Not once does the older man look back at him throughout the long drive and even though it stings like hell, Changkyun has no one else to blame but himself.

The drive to the hotel is quiet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's going to get worse before it gets better. But it will get better... eventually (ಥ﹏ಥ)


	2. Chapter 2

Once they arrive home from their overseas trip, the group gets a few days to themselves without any schedules. Changkyun tries to immerse himself into making music and he spends countless hours in the studio both by himself and with Jooheon and Hoseok. Having time to relax without having to follow a schedule is doing wonders for Changkyun’s constant state of grouchiness, but despite the extra hours of sleep each night, he still feels restless. He hasn’t really spoken to Hyungwon since that stupid trip when he’d pretty much told the older man to piss off. 

Lately, Hyungwon seems detached and absentminded and the few times that Changkyun allows himself to watch the older man, he notices that his lanky soulmate seems to be deep in thought. Even though Changkyun can't help but stare at Hyungwon, in comparison, the older man won’t even look in his direction. Hyungwon’s avoiding him like the plague and Changkyun’s got to admit that it stings like hell. 

Everyone else seems to notice the tension as well and Changkyun finds that Kihyun and Hoseok have been acting weird too and practically walking on eggshells around him, ducking away to spend time by themselves when they don’t think he’s paying attention. 

Eventually, Changkyun’s had enough of their ridiculousness. The next time he enters the kitchen to grab a glass of water, Kihyun and Hoseok spring apart from each other quickly and pretend to be doing something else instead of exchanging spit like they'd just been doing only seconds prior.

“Fucking stop this shit, it’s getting really old,” Changkyun snaps as he stops next to the sink and quickly fills a glass of water. 

“What are you talking about?” Hoseok says apprehensively, looking like a deer caught in the headlights.

“You know exactly what I’m talking about. Don’t pretend like you weren’t just trying to find Narnia in the back of Kihyun’s throat.” Hoseok and Kihyun practically choke at the words, but Changkyun continues on, determined to speak his mind. ”It’s fine, you know. You don’t have to hide the fact that you’re soulmates.”

“We’re not…” Kihyun trails off, looking sheepish once he actually meets Changkyun’s unimpressed stare.

Hoseok sighs softly and sits down, putting away the potato peeler in his hand which he’d picked up as soon as Changkyun had walked into the room. The sight of the potato peeler somehow makes the situation seem a thousand times more stupid and Changkyun can’t help but shake in silent laughter, feeling hysteria bubbling up from somewhere deep inside. 

“You’re both so ridiculous,” Changkyun manages through his snickering, wiping the moisture gathering at the corners of his eyes. “Ah, hyung, you do realize that you’re holding a rolling pin, right? What are you going to do, beat Hoseok over the head with it?” 

Kihyun looks down at the rolling pin in his hands and heat floods his cheeks once he realizes the sheer ridiculousness of what he’d picked up in his haste to act casual.

After a few seconds, Kihyun and Hoseok burst into laughter as well and they share an amused grin, staring at each other fondly while the tension in the room unwinds and fades away.

“Sorry Changkyun-ah, we’ve been acting really stupid, huh?” Kihyun chuckles, putting down the rolling pin and smacking his face with his palms as if to make the heat go away.

“Yeah, you really have. Just because I’m fighting with Hyungwon—and no, I don’t want to talk about it—that doesn’t mean that you can’t act like yourselves.”

“Changkyun-ah,” Hoseok starts but Changkyun ignores the older man and makes to leave the kitchen. 

“The house is empty, you know,” Changkyun cajoles them with a small grin that feels weird on his face. Hoseok and Kihyun instantly understand the implication behind that statement. “I’m going to the studio. See you later.” 

Changkyun walks to the door and slowly puts on his shoes, looking around at the empty living room. The clock on the wall ticks and the lamp next to the sofa is on, emitting a soft glow while the rest of the room is bathed in darkness. It’s late evening and the air outside will undoubtedly be freezing so Changkyun sticks his hand in the closet and grabs a random jacket, staring silently at the dark brown coat that he ends up with. Faintly, he can hear the sound of footsteps and warm laughter drifting from the kitchen, followed by the soft sound of shared kisses. 

With a wistful sigh, Changkyun shrugs on the coat and swiftly buttons it up, checking his pockets for his phone before he slowly opens the door and leaves. The trip to the studio takes him a good half-hour, and by the time he finally arrives at the building, the scent of lavender soap is firmly ingrained in his senses. Hyungwon’s coat is very warm.

**+**

“I thought you were taking a break today,” Changkyun mumbles, eyes fixed on the screen in front of him.

“What? No way, I’m _so_ motivated to work on this track today,” Jooheon monotones, trying his best to sound earnest but failing spectacularly. It must have something to do with the late nights he’d been keeping; even now, the older man stands in front of the open door and sways to the side, the bags under his eyes betraying his tiredness.

“Did Hoseok or Hyunwoo put you up to this?” Changkyun asks, glancing up and daring Jooheon to lie. 

Jooheon's mouth quirks up. “It was Minhyuk, actually.” 

Changkyun hums in response while silently cursing out Minhyuk in his head. He pulls over the chair next to him in silent invitation. “You look like you’re going to keel over, Jooheon-ah.”

“Call me hyung,” Jooheon pouts, though he sits next to Changkyun without further prompting. Changkyun hums once again, a soft noncommittal sound that reveals that he’s not going to do that. It’s not like he doesn’t respect the fact that Jooheon’s older, but after spending four years in the time loop, he can’t help but feel mentally older than the honey blond man. It’s hard to think about Jooheon as being older when he’s lived through four years worth of memories and experiences. 

“I’ll start calling you hyung once you stop being so disgracefully good at aegyo.”

Jooheon frowns. “It’s never going to happen then,” he announces, sounding resigned.

“I guess not,” Changkyun retorts absentmindedly. Ignoring Jooheon’s answering whine, Changkyun unplugs his headphones and plays the song he’s been working on out loud. 

“What do you think?”

Jooheon continues to sulk next to him, but he pays attention to the song nonetheless. Once the song ends, he hums consideringly, rubbing at his chin softly in thought. “Needs more cowbell.”

Changkyun rolls his eyes. “You’re hilarious, _Jooheon-ah_.”

“Changkyunnie! Call me hyung!”

“No.”

Nearly an hour later, Jooheon is sleeping on the couch a few feet away, snoring softly. Changkyun’s not sure if he’s glad that they sent Jooheon to watch over him or not; on one hand, the honey blond was clearly tired and should probably be sleeping in an actual bed. On the other hand, Jooheon was the easiest to handle out of the whole annoying bunch. Changkyun feels unbearably smug that he’d managed to hide his worsening headache from Jooheon, but he really shouldn’t be smug at all, considering how bad the pressure in his head is starting to get. 

Swallowing down the rest of the coffee dregs in his cup, Changkyun turns away from the bright computer screen. Rubbing at his eyes doesn’t help, and the sharp throbbing pain near his temples only continues to get worse. His eyesight is starting to blur, and that’s a bad sign. He doesn’t have long before blacks out, but he doesn’t know what the hell to do; leave the room and go hide in the bathroom or stay in the studio and hope to hell that Jooheon won’t wake up and find him in this state. There’s something coating his tongue; he knows it’s coffee but it tastes coppery, like blood. He feels hot all of a sudden as his pulse quickens and his vision spins. 

“Fuck,” Changkyun mutters quietly and abruptly stands up, staggering over to the door. He’s got to leave, he’s not safe here, it’s way too risky. In his rush to leave, Changkyun trips over a chair leg and falls to the ground, hard. His wrist hits something on the way down and Changkyun’s not sure what the hell it was, but it stings. He lays on the ground for a few seconds, dazed and feeling stupid for tripping. His wrist aches and he lifts it up from the ground, watching blood dripping down from a shallow cut right beneath his palm. He feels annoyed at the sight of the obvious injury; he’ll have to go through the pains of hiding it now because nobody else will believe that the injury was from an accident, they’ll probably jump to conclusions and think he’s cutting himself.

A few seconds later, he jolts in surprise. His head hurts and his eyes feel dry and sensitive and his wrist keeps bleeding, but that doesn’t matter when he comes to the realization that he hasn’t blacked out. The dull throb of the cut eventually fades away and Changkyun’s left wondering about the surprising discovery he’d just made, quietly thinking about the different ways to test his hypothesis.

A few feet away, Jooheon continues sleeping, completely undisturbed by the sounds he’d just made and Changkyun’s infinitely thankful for small mercies. 

**+**

Miraculously, Changkyun manages to wake up before 11 AM the next day. Eyes half-closed, he trudges into the shower and washes up while playing with the idea of slipping back into bed for the rest of the day. He convinces himself out of it, mostly at the thought of Kihyun's unimpressed face. It's rather infuriating to be on the receiving end of it, Hoseok could attest to that seeing as he was the recipient of it most of the time, ironically enough.

After he's done getting ready, Changkyun heads for the kitchen where the sound of laughter keeps spilling out past the open doorway. When he enters the room, Hyunwoo and Hoseok greet him warmly and Changyun mumbles good morning after taking a seat next to Jooheon who happens to be slumped over his seat, asleep with his face resting in the crook of his folded arms.

Changkyun snorts when he hears the soft whistling sound the other emits and reaches over to poke Jooheon's cheek, watching a trail of saliva dripping from the corner of his mouth. 

"Aigo, poor Jooheon-ah," Changkyun teases with thinly veiled laughter.

"Leave him alone, you brat," Kihyun warns and swats Changkyun over the head as he passes by on his way to the stove. Changkyun hisses and rubs his head and Hyunwoo and Hoseok laugh, though at least their leader tries to hide it behind the palm of his hand. Hoseok has no such compunctions and he openly laughs at Changkyun’s pain.

At least nobody reacts to him dropping the honorific for Jooheon, though he hadn't meant to say it to rile anybody up, it had just slipped out. Instead of lecturing him about being more respectful or something equally boring, Kihyun places a bowl of plain rice porridge in front of Changkyun. The older man stands next to him and waits to see if he'll refuse the food—nobody really knows the extent of his food aversion or they'd probably stop eating meat altogether, but they do have some idea of it. As plain as it is, rice sometimes sets off his gag reflex and he can't eat it. This time, Changkyun mumbles a small thank you and starts eating right away, eager to get away now that he realizes that all three members of the Parent Squad™ are currently present.

"Do you have any plans for today?" Hyunwoo asks, taking a small sip of his coffee while watching Changkyun eat.

Changkyun swallows down another spoonful of porridge and shrugs in response. "I think I'll go back to the studio."

"How exciting," Hoseok pipes up, sounding anything but that. "Don't you want to do something fun for once? We're going to the movies, do you want to join?"

Changkyun quickly shakes his head. "No, I'm good. I want to work on my music."

"Ugh, stop being so responsible for once," Hoseok groans, sounding pained. "You make us look like slackers." He's exaggerating of course, so Changkyun merely rolls his eyes and spies Hyunwoo’s hidden amusement once again, eyes crinkled the slightest amount.

"Minhyukkie and Hyungwonnie already left for the studio a few minutes before you got here," Kihyun reveals. "You can probably catch up to them if you hurry or you could call them and ask them to wait for you."

"No, its fine," Changkyun quickly replies, spooning another bite of porridge into his mouth. He doesn't even let himself contemplate the idea, feeling awkward at the thought of calling Hyungwon and asking him to wait. Somehow, the thought of calling Minhyuk doesn't even cross his mind.

After he finishes eating, Changkyun pokes Jooheon on the cheek once more and leaves to go to the studio. Once he finally arrives, feeling half frozen from the cold outside, it doesn't take him long to get lost in his work and he spends a few hours concentrating on the track that's currently giving him trouble. No matter what he tries though, there's just something off about the bridge. After listening to the same song for hours and hours, he gets frustrated and stops messing with it, reaching for his phone and trying to distract himself for a little bit.

After spending a few minutes fucking around on twitter, Changkyun’s stomach grumbles. He languidly stands up and stretches, groaning as his tired joints pop. He wants to eat but he probably shouldn't—he hates exercising and when the group isn’t actively performing, he has to be careful not to gain weight. Unlike Hyungwon, Changkyun does not possess god-like metabolism. The older man had probably stuffed himself full today at breakfast like he always did when he was getting ready for dance practice. The image of Hyungwon’s cheeks stuffed full of food with his eyes half closed—a familiar sight every morning—fills him with fond amusement and Changkyun snickers quietly to himself. It takes him a full minute to realize that he's still standing in front of his desk, staring into space like an idiot while thinking about Hyungwon. The smile on his face suddenly cracks and Changkyun sighs heavily, closing his eyes momentarily in weary resignation. 

Changkyun’s stomach grumbles once again and he bites his lower lip in contemplation. A few minutes later, he sits back down and slips his headphones on once again, trying to concentrate on his music once again. Hours later, he doesn’t have anything to show for his efforts and it only makes his frustration worsen. 

When Kihyun calls him later and informs him that he’s late for dinner, Changkyun leaves the studio with a frown on his face. He wants to stay and work longer, but he knows that somebody will show up at the studio eventually. At least if he chooses to go home himself, he’ll save himself the embarrassment of being dragged home like a recalcitrant child.

**+**

“Go, Changkyun-ah,” Kihyun urges him, pushing at the small of his back to make him go forward. 

“Why do I have to? Why can’t you go, hyung?” Changkyun growls, resisting against the older man and practically digging in his heels into the linoleum floor of the studio, trying to stop his forward momentum.

“I don’t mind going,” Jooheon pipes up, opening his weary eyes and blinking at the pair from his place on the sofa. He’d just been asleep a few minutes ago, the dark bags under his eyes making him look like a panda.

“You look half-dead, Jooheon-ah. Go back to sleep, I’ll wake you up when it’s time to go.” Hoseok answers, sounding deeply amused.

“Hyuuuung,” Jooheon whines, rubbing at his eyes tiredly in exhaustion.

“Jooheonieeeeee,” Hoseok teases back, laughing at the pout on the younger man’s face.

“I’ll go,” Hyunwoo offers quietly. He stands up from the cushy sofa and stretches his arms before he leaves the room.

Watching Hyunwoo’s retreating back, Changkyun feels like a piece of shit. He avoids Kihyun’s knowing glance as he runs after the older man and quickly catches up to him.

“Hyung, it’s okay, I’ll go.”

Hyunwoo hums consideringly, and rubs at this chin. “Are you sure? I’m already halfway there, it doesn’t make a difference to me.” 

“It’s okay. I don’t mind going to find Hyungwon and Minhyuk, I was just complaining to piss off Kihyun,” Changkyun admits sheepishly, glancing at the older man under his eyelashes.

“That’s sneaky of you… but I’m pretty sure you don’t want to go because you’re avoiding Hyungwon. Am I wrong?” Hyunwoo asks, looking sort of awkward at his own question.

Changkyun stiffens momentarily before he forces himself to relax. “It’s not like that,” Changkyun mutters. “He’s the one avoiding me.”

“I don’t think that's the case, Changkyun,” Hyunwoo says slowly, honey warm voice trying to sound comforting. “Maybe he just needs time to think.”

“He _is_ avoiding me,” Changkyun laughs darkly. His laughter tapers off abruptly and he shrugs his shoulders, the movement jerky under the force of the older man’s deep stare. “It’s fine, though. It’s totally fine...”

Without waiting for Hyunwoo’s response, Changkyun continues walking forward and heads for the stairs that will take him up to the third floor. Eventually, he arrives at the team’s training room. Music trails out softly from underneath the closed door and Changkyun quickly peers into the small round window set into the door, a bit too high up for his tastes. He has to stand on his tippy toes and it's uncomfortable but his righteous anger at his short height is instantly forgotten when he spies Hyungwon dancing in front of the mirror, long legs effortlessly moving from step to step, each pose looking graceful and refined. After the song ends, Hyungwon flops down on the ground like a puppet that's had its strings cut off all of a sudden. Minhyuk steps into the frame then; he'd been sitting on the sidelines so Changkyun had overlooked him temporarily. Minhyuk says something and Hyungwon laughs, wide mouth set into a pleased grin. 

And god, even if it’s creepy to keep watching from the little window, Changkyun can’t help himself. The sight of his soulmate smiling and enjoying himself does things to his stupid, traitorous heart. 

The next second, Hyungwon looks at the round window, as if he can sense that he’s being watched. Changkyun briefly considers turning right back around and walking away to hide but he barely gets enough time to step away from the door before Minhyuk practically skips to the door and opens it, smiling widely.

"Hey Changkyunnie!" Without another word, Minhyuk clasps his wrist and pulls him inside the room, half-dragging him towards Hyungwon, who’s now sitting cross legged on the ground. Changkyun’s mouth goes dry at the state of his soulmate, watching the older man panting while trying to catch his breath, loose clothes sticking to his sweat slicked skin.

"Hi," Hyungwon greets quietly, slightly reserved as he absentmindedly drags his hand through his damp hair and pushes his long bangs away from his face. A bead of sweat rolls down his chin and down his neck, sliding down to rest on his sharp collarbone momentarily before it disappears into his shirt. Changkyun gets the wildly inappropriate urge to trace Hyungwon’s sharp collar bones with his own tongue and just the thought of it makes him bite his lip hard, feeling sticky heat pool low in his stomach.

After a long moment of silence, Minhyuk elbows his side and Changkyun startles, realizing that he's been staring at Hyungwon like an idiot without having returned the greeting, as distracted as he was.

"Uh, hi," Changkyun mumbles, feeling heat flood his face. Minhyuk hides a smile behind his hand and Changkyun feels another hot flare of embarrassment once he realizes that Minhyuk had noticed him gawking at Hyungwon.

"What's up Changkyun-ah? Did you _come_ to practice, or did you just _come_ to watch?" Minhyuk teases with a sly smirk.

Changkyun narrows his eyes into slits and suddenly wraps his arms around Minhyuk’s neck in a slack chokehold. “I just missed you so much, hyung,” Changkyun grits out, ignoring Minhyuk’s indignant squeaking pleading him to stop.

“Why did you really come?” Hyungwon interrupts, glancing up at the spectacle with his lips quirked up into a half-smile.

“We’re all going out to lunch, hyungs told me to come find you so we can go." Changkyun grumbles, abruptly letting go of Minhyuk. The older man whines about being manhandled and rubs his neck. Naturally, Hyungwon and Changkyun ignore him with the ease of practice.

“Oh good, we were just talking about getting lunch," Hyungwon answers, grabbing his water bottle and taking a long swig. There’s a moment of awkward silence afterward and Changkyun doesn’t really know how to break it. He should probably apologize to Hyungwon while he has the chance, but it feels weird to do so right here and now, especially when Minhyuk is in the room with them. Perhaps Minhyuk notices that they’re both struggling to fill the silence because after he puts on his coat, he wraps his arm around Changkyun’s shoulders and smiles.

"We should go eat lamb skewers," Minhyuk proposes, mouth practically watering. “Hm, or grilled pork or something. There’s a nice little restaurant close by that has the best grilled pork skewers, what do you say Changkyunnie?”

Changkyun’s nose wrinkles with slight distaste; neither of those options appeal to him but Minhyuk looks entirely too happy for him to protest. “Sure, hyung.”

“It’s not just up to you, Minhyukkie. Everybody else has to agree too,” Hyungwon reminds him, leisurely walking beside Minhyuk. On a whim, Changkyun carefully glances sideways and accidentally meets Hyungwon’s dark gaze. Embarrassed at being caught, Changkyun quickly glances away, feeling hot underneath his jacket.

When they finally get to the first floor and meet the rest of their teammates in the studio room they’re occupying, Minhyuk’s one-sided chatter abruptly stops when he sees Kihyun’s angry face.

“I just got here, why are you angry at me?” Minhyuk stutters out, quickly hiding behind Hyungwon’s tall frame to shield himself from potential danger.

“I’m not angry at you, Minhyukkie,” Kihyun groans sounding miserable, scrubbing his hands through his messy hair. 

“Sorry guys, we can't go out to eat lunch. Hongshik hyung just called me and said we’ve got an interview scheduled an hour from now,” Hoseok explains, sounding resigned. “It was a last minute thing, can’t be helped. Hongshikie hyung says he’s sorry.”

“Uuuugggghhh,” Jooheon groans from the couch, sounding half-asleep. “I’m hungryyy.”

**+**

“If you had a sister, would you let one of the members date her?”

Changkyun resists the urge to roll his eyes. He stays quiet and lets somebody else answer the question, forcing out a halfhearted laugh when Kihyun elbows him on the side, giving him a warning glance that promises trouble later.

Perhaps it’s hunger that’s making him so irritable, or the stifling warm room that makes his skin feel sticky and damp, or perhaps its the fact that Hyungwon is sitting right next to him, looking stiff and uncomfortable.

Are they so awkward with each other now that even sitting close together is making Hyungwon looks so obviously distressed? Glancing away from the taller man, Changkyun turns to look in front of him, unintentionally focusing on the pattern of Jooheon’s sweater. Following the lines of the knitted material, Changkyun blinks slowly, his eyes stinging. The irritableness slowly transforms into a pounding headache, and Changkyun tries not to curse out loud as he feels blood rushing to his head. This is not the right fucking time for a blackout—the interview is almost over, damn it! So close, he's so close, if only he can make it through this...

Clenching his teeth tight from the pain, Changkyun’s vision starts to swim, the warm atmosphere turning hazy like a heatwave. The sound of laughter echoes in his head but Changkyun’s not coherent enough to even pretend to laugh. He closes his eyes and breathes out slowly, feeling panicked and nervous. 

Now would be the perfect time to test his hypothesis about his blackouts, considering he doesn't have any other choice. If it doesn't work, he'll be screwed and there's no way that he can lie his way out of this situation if everybody witnesses him having one of his stupid episodes. 

Changkyun opens his blurry eyes and glances down, as if bored. Slowly, he digs his nails into the palms of hands, digging half moon crescents into the soft flesh. Unfortunately, the pain doesn't even register, it barely even stings. Trying to stop the shaking in his arms, he swallows down the panic by sheer force of will. The scent of iron fills his nose and Changkyun can barely see Hyungwon out of the corner of his eye, blood spilling from his mouth and dripping down his chin. Breath quickening, Changkyun crosses his arms and uses the position to pinch his arm, wrenching at the skin and twisting it with vicious desperation, trying to will away the darkness at the corners of his vision.

“Try not to yell,” Hyungwon whispers softly underneath his breath and snakes an arm around his waist. Slender digits slide underneath his shirt and wrap around his hip before they press down _hard._ Underneath those merciless fingers, Changkyun’s flesh gives way and grinds down against his hip bone and the pressure is immense, painful beyond his imagination. Resisting the urge to yelp, Changkyun grinds his teeth together and bears the pain the best he can. His dark surroundings suddenly become crystal clear and he hears Jooheon answering a question with his usual charming voice. Seconds later, the fingers around his waist disappear as if they were never there in the first place. Feeling disoriented and trying not to show it, Changkyun blinks slowly and stands up straighter from his previous slouch. 

When the interview is finally over, Hyungwon stands up and practically drags him away from the room, walking through the twisting hallways and quickly leading him upstairs to Hoseok's private studio. It was a good thing that the interview has been held in the Starship building, otherwise it'd be hard to find a place to be alone. As it is, Changkyun doesn't know what to expect as he hears the door close shut behind him. Instead of angry shouting or an equally infuriating _I told you so_ , Hyungwon simply stands in front of him and takes the sight of him in, looking concerned and hesitant. 

“Are you… are you okay?” 

For once, Changkyun doesn't get angry at the inane question. He gnaws on his bottom lip and glances at the older man from underneath his eyelashes, feeling relieved that disaster has been narrowly avoided. His hands still feel shaky, and he feels somewhat unsteady on his feet, but that doesn't matter. 

“I'm fine.” After a brief moment of hesitation, Changkyun blows out a deep, unsteady breath before continuing. “Thank you for helping me, hyung.”

“It was too much, wasn't it? I'm sorry, I should have been gentler when I squeezed your hip.” Hyungwon replies, sounding miserable and apologetic. He closes the distance between them and wraps Changkyun into a warm hug, leaning down and pressing his cheek against Changkyun’s temple. Changkyun instantly closes his eyes and exhales softly, feeling warm and comfortable. His shakiness starts to fade away, and he sinks further into Hyungwon's arms, feeling heady and drunk with the scent of his soulmate so close to him. It's been so long since he's allowed himself to be this close to the older man and almost without thinking about it, he reaches up to kiss Hyungwon's cheek before he trails down and captures the older man's lips in a hard, bruising kiss tinged with desperateness. A hand comes up to cup his chin, soft fingers tilting his head up to get better access to his mouth. Changkyun gets lost in the sensation, skin buzzing with anticipation when he feels a hand sliding underneath his shirt to rub at the tender skin of his hip in silent apology. It feels entirely too good and even if his skin bruises later on from the force of Hyungwon’s fingers, Changkyun doesn't regret a single thing that’s happened if it means that he’ll end up here in Hyungwon's arms once again. 

A multitude of footsteps echo in the hallway outside and Changkyun tenses at the sound.

“Hey, you idiots, don't think you’ll get away with acting so weird during the interview!” Kihyun growls as he barges in through the door. “I swear, if you don't fucking make-up from your fight, I’ll lock you both up in the closet and—” Kihyun’s mouth audibly clicks shut in surprise as he takes in their somewhat compromising position. Behind him, all of their nosy teammates gather around the door and gawk at them in surprise.

Jooheon whistles and hisses barely a second later when Hyunwoo swats the back of his head in warning.

“Uh, continue what you were doing,” Kihyun stutters out, bravely ignoring Minhyuk’s high-pitched giggle at the insinuation.

Hoseok smirks and pulls Kihyun back from the room with a quick tug before he closes the door shut once again.

“Have fun, you two!” Minhyuk cheerfully says from the other side of the door.

“Be safe!” Kihyun says with obvious embarrassment. “Don't forget to use protection!”

“Oh my god, please stop, you're embarrassing me,” Jooheon groans.

“For once, I agree,” Hoseok grumbles and Changkyun can hear the sound of an ensuing scuffle before footsteps start to walk away from the room, Kihyun’s indignant yelling becoming fainter and fainter until it disappears. 

“Why are they making such a big deal about this?” Changkyun groans, resting his warm face on Hyungwon's chest. “We were only kissing.”

Hyungwon’s chest rumbles with soft laughter. “You do realize that you were undoing my shirt buttons the whole time they were here, right? I assume that had something to do with it.”

Thundering footsteps sound outside the hallway and the door crashes open once again before they get a chance to stop it. Changkyun tightens his hold on Hyungwon's wrinkled shirt and jolts in surprise at the sight of a winded and panting Kihyun, his dark brown hair messy and his clothes askew as if he had fought his way back to the room. His hand digs into his pocket and emerges with a handful of foil packages, nervously fumbling them in his shaking hand before he practically throws the condemning silver squares at them. “Here’s some condoms, don’t ask where I got them from, and there’s also some lube in the second drawer of the desk, don’t ask why it’s there, and be careful and don't forget to—”

“You're such a nuisance,” Hoseok pants as he stops behind Kihyun, catching his breath after having run after his feisty soulmate. 

“—stretch him open, don’t be too rough cause it hurts the first couple of times, don’t ask how I know that—”

Grunting softly as he hoists Kihyun over his shoulder, Hoseok reaches for the door and sends them a sly smirk. “Kihyunnie’s right, though, be careful and practice safe sex. No BDSM until you've got the basics down, got it?” 

“No BDSM at all! You're too young for that!” Kihyun growls out, smacking Hoseok’s back in reproach.

With that last word of advice, the door closes for the last time and Hoseok walks away with Kihyun slung over his shoulder, angrily demanding to be put down. The sound of Hoseok and Kihyun’s voices fade away and Changkyun blinks slowly as he glances up at Hyungwon. 

“They're so overdramatic. They're acting like this is the first time we've had sex,” Changkyun grumbles, willing away the heat in his cheekbones. 

Hyungwon’s lips quirk up into a small smile. “You're right, they're overreacting. This is only our second time, we've totally got this whole sex thing down, right?” 

Changkyun exhales softly and nods his head in easy agreement. “Yeah, uh, that's right. We're practically experts by now.”

Grinning softly at the obvious lie, Changkyun leans up at the same time that Hyungwon leans down to meet his lips. 

After a few breathless minutes, Hyungwon goes to lock the door and Changkyun takes the opportunity to slide his shirt off, feeling hot all of a sudden. He doesn't even know how they got to this point, but he doesn't care. Feeling shy under Hyungwon's heavy lidded stare, Changkyun slides off his pants carefully.

“Are you just going to stand there and watch me, or are you going to get undressed too?” Changkyun asks and he doesn't mean for his voice to come out so husky and deep, but it does. Hyungwon seems to enjoy the sound of it anyway, judging by the heated stare he sends him as he tugs the rest of his shirt off and carelessly drops it on the floor.

“You're such a tease,” Hyungwon drawls with a slight smile, a slender hand cupping his face and kissing his lips softly. Changkyun moans at the feeling of Hyungwon’s other hand reverently touching the bare skin of his hip, the pads of Hyungwon’s fingertips tracing the words of his soulmate mark carefully. Hyungwon's hand trails lower and lower and Changkyun moans are swallowed by Hyungwon's ravenous mouth, hungry for the taste of his soulmate.

**+**

Hours later, Changkyun lies on top of Hyungwon on the studio’s cushy sofa, sore body relaxing as his sweat slicked skin starts to cool off. There's a hand lazily stroking the small of his back, fingers softly tracing patterns over his warm skin and the sensation feels entirely too good. 

He feels like he's going to fall asleep, eyes blinking slowly and glancing at the word _sorry_ etched on Hyungwon's skin in dark black ink. The design of the word itself is pretty, written in long, spidery handwriting that looks neat on the pale skin of Hyungwon's chest, the soulmate mark nestled underneath a sharp collarbone. Perhaps that's why Changkyun has always had a fascination with that particular part of Hyungwon's anatomy.

He’s surprised that it's taken him this long to see Hyungwon's soulmate mark, but it only goes to show how selfish he's been these past few months that he hasn't even thought to ask the older man about it. It seems that Hyungwon is also careful about hiding it because he always wears shirts that cover it, even around the house.

Changkyun opens his mouth to ask about the mark, but the question that he asks is entirely different than he'd meant it to be, almost as if it’d been caught in his throat, lying in wait to spill out from his lips.

“How did you know to do that?”

Hyungwon hums in consideration and presses a soft kiss against his forehead. “Do what? Sex? Hasn’t it already been established, on live tv no less, that I do in fact watch porn. Believe it or not, it's very…. educational. Oh and I’ve also walked in on Kihyun riding Hoseok, but that was more traumatic than informative. I try not to think about it.”

Changkyun snorts in amusement. “First of all, you're full of shit. Second of all, that's totally not what I meant. I was asking about...earlier.”

“You should have been more specific,” Hyungwon drawls. After a few seconds, he turns to look straight at Changkyun, heavy-lidded eyes taking the sight of him in once more. “I've been watching you these past few days and I drew my own conclusions. Pain stimulus helps you stop the blackouts, doesn’t it? That one time, I know you almost fell in the bathroom stall—there was a loud thump and I’m so sure that you fell even if I couldn’t see it with my own eyes. Afterward, you actually responded to me. Usually, it takes a little while for you to become fully coherent enough to be able to answer my questions.”

Changkyun blinks in surprise. “When did you even notice that—I thought you were angry at me for pushing you away. I thought… you were avoiding me.”

“You needed the distance, Changkyun-ah. You were so on edge around me that it was becoming glaringly obvious. Apart from that, I needed time to think. I'm sorry if it looked like I was avoiding you, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.”

“Don't apologize… Just don't. It's wrong for you to freely offer so many apologies when I can't even utter a single one in the first place.” Changkyun forces out, feeling overwhelming guilty. Looking away from Hyungwon’s intense gaze, Changkyun focuses on Hyungwon’s soulmate mark once again, reading the word _sorry_ over and over again until it starts to blur. 

“You’ve got your pride, I’ll admit, but I’ve known that about you ever since I met you.” Hyungwon muses with a crooked grin. “Sometimes its charming but most of the time, it’s a pain in the ass.” 

“Thanks, I appreciate your blatant honesty,” Changkyun deadpans and he’s rewarded by rumbling laughter from his soulmate, the vibrations enough to make him shake. Blowing out a tired sigh, Changkyun reaches up to push away the sweaty strands of hair sticking to his forehead. “I want some coffee, hyung.” 

Hyungwon hums agreeably. “Let’s go get some. It’s getting late anyway, we should probably be heading back.” 

With a loud groan, Changkyun reluctantly gets up, feeling sore in places that he normally wouldn't be. He’s not used to this weird sort of feeling in his body, but even the soreness of his thighs is sort of pleasant when he remembers flashes of their activities from earlier. 

Once they’re bundled up in coats and scarves and the studio is back in order, they start making their way back home. After a brief stop to buy two cold cans of cheap convenience store coffee, they continue walking. It’s cold outside, naturally. They haven’t had their first snow yet but Changkyun doesn’t doubt that it will happen soon. 

When they finally arrive at their apartment building, they take the stairs up to their floor, as if wanting to delay the inevitable. Changkyun doesn’t doubt that his teammates will be unbearable, especially a certain nosy blond. He grimaces at the thought of Minhyuk’s nosy ass asking for details; the older man is entirely too immature for his age. Grumbling curses under his breath, Changkyun throws away his empty can of coffee and slouches into himself, futilely trying to warm up while they climb flight after flight of stairs. Halfway there, he’s no longer cold and he feels like he’s about to fall over, body dripping with sweat once again.

“Why the hell did we climb the stairs?” Changkyun wheezes, pausing to bend over and rest his hands on his aching knees.

“I know you hate to exercise but we’re only on the third floor, it’s not _that_ bad,” Hyungwon laughs from a few stairs ahead of him, light-hearted and carefree.

“I’m _dying_ ,” Changkyun groans, out of breath and sounding entirely miserable. Hyungwon laughs harder at the remark and Changkyun glares at the older man’s back in spite. 

Despite Changkyun stopping two more times for breaks, they eventually make it all the way to the fifth floor. In silent agreement, they both stop at the entrance and make no further move to go inside the apartment. Changkyun contemplates what to say but his mind remains stubbornly blank. Instead, he just scratches his cheek before he looks up at the older man and smiles. “Thanks for buying coffee, Hyungwonnie.”

Hyungwon's mouth quirks up for the briefest of seconds. “I'm glad you liked it.” Without warning, the older man reaches for his hand and twines it together with his at the same time that he leans in to place a small kiss on Changkyun’s sweaty forehead. 

“Ew hyung, why did you do that?” Changkyun groans, reaching up to wipe Hyungwon’s mouth with the corner of his sleeve. “Don’t complain if you taste my sweat, it’s your own fault.”

“I tasted it earlier and you didn’t seem to mind,” Hyungwon says absentmindedly while he watches Changkyun thoughtfully. Changkyun feels heat invade his face at the straightforward admission but the blush on his face slowly fades away the longer that the older man stares; he starts to feel self-conscious in his own skin and he looks away from Hyungwon while he fiddles with the buttons of his jacket with his left hand.

“What… what is it?” Changkyun finally asks and Hyungwon seems to startle the slightest amount, as if he had been unaware of the deeply unsettling trance that he’d fallen in. Hyungwon lets out a weary sounding sigh. Glancing down, he carefully turns over Changkyun’s right hand and traces the puffy and reddened half-moon marks on his palm.

”I’m sorry, but… did you really think I’d let you keep hurting yourself like this?”

Changkyun clenches his hand close to hide the marks and blinks in confusion. “What do you mean?”

Hyungwon frowns, looking conflicted but determined. “I can't keep your secret any longer, Changkyun-ah. Your blackouts are getting worse and you’re trying to stop them by hurting yourself? That's… that’s _not_ a solution. I’ve waited enough, but it’s not getting any better. I think I was deluding myself into believing that it would go away with time, but it _hasn’t_ and it _won’t_ unless we actually do something about it.”

Changkyun stares at the older man in shock, feeling betrayal burn hot in his stomach like acid. “What the hell are you saying, Hyungwon? You helped me… I—I thought you understood!”

“You're right, I did help you earlier by _hurting_ you! I don't ever want to do that again, I feel sick just thinking about the fact that I caused you pain. Changkyun, you can’t handle this by yourself anymore, it’s spiralled out of your control. We need to tell the others.”

“They don’t need to know about this!” Changkyun grits out through clenched teeth, a fierce glare directed at the older man. “I’m getting better! I feel fine now, I promise!” 

"You're kidding right?" Hyungwon murmurs in muted disbelief. When Changkyun continues to glare, Hyungwon lets out a dark and bitter laugh, dark eyes narrowed into slits. “You’re not fine! Do you think I’m blind? I’ve been watching you for close to seven months, I know more than anyone else that you’re not okay. Please stop lying to my face,” Hyungwon growls in frustration. “You’ve got one week. One week to tell everyone about your blackouts and if you don't tell them yourself, then I'll tell them for you.”

“You can't do that, you have no right!” Changkyun coldly hisses, bile burning his throat. He feels like he has to throw up the cheap coffee from earlier, the thought of everyone knowing about his blackouts is enough to send shivers right down his spine in terrified dread. 

Hyungwon swallows audibly, anger visible on every tense line of his body. “I'm your soulmate—I have every right!” He reaches for the door and steps into the apartment and Changkyun quickly grabs the back of his jacket and wrenches it back, forcing Hyungwon to come to a stop and nearly ripping the fabric in the process. 

“Don't you dare!” Changkyun forces out through the panic building in his chest. “You think I'll forgive you if you betray me like this?!”

Hyungwon becomes deathly still in his grip, shoulders hunching down the slightest amount. “I guess I'll find out.” Last words spoken, Hyungwon continues walking and Changkyun pulls on his brown jacket one last time before he curses under his breath and finally releases the wrinkled fabric. 

Hearing footsteps near the door, Minhyuk stands up to greet them with a teasing smile on his face that disappears as soon as he sees the angry looks on both of their faces. “What's going on?” Minhyuk asks, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“Its—”

“Nothing!” Changkyun interrupts, glaring at Hyungwon. Like hell will he just stand here like an idiot and let Hyungwon reveal the truth behind their disagreement. 

Hyungwon turns to stare at him with an indescribable expression on his face, a mix of anger and resignation, before he lets out a loud sigh and walks past Minhyuk and heads for his own room, not even bothering to try to answer the question. Changkyun is too busy glaring daggers at Hyungwon's back to notice when Minhyuk covertly goes to cover the door but when he finally pays attention again, he finds that Kihyun and Jooheon have gathered around him as well, looking concerned. 

“What the hell is going on, Changkyun? I thought you guys made up today,” Kihyun frowns.

“Whatever gave you that idea,” Changkyun snarls, stalking away from the entrance and heading towards his own shared room where he proceeds to slam the door close before he throws himself into bed roughly and burrows under the covers. He would have locked the door too so he can be completely alone, but there's no point in even trying when the others have the key.

Right on cue, the door opens and footsteps echo across the room. “Changkyun…” Kihyun mumbles softly, a few feet away from the bed.

“Leave me the fuck alone!” Changkyun barks out, voice gravelly and rough. He sounds like he swallowed rocks and strangely enough, he feels like it too. Anger burns at his core, and he can't help but seethe when Kihyun tries to lift up his covers to try to talk to him. “I said leave me the fuck alone! This is none of your business, Kihyun! You're always such a busybody, can't you take the hint that I don't want to talk about it!”

Kihyun doesn't bother to respond to his vitriol, simply sits down at the edge of his bed and starts to pat his back softly through the covers. Even though he must be upset by Changkyun’s rude and harsh words, the older man stays next to him in bed for hours, trying to comfort him. Unable to stop thinking about the possibility of his secret coming out, Changkyun shakes with anxious fear at the same time that white hot anger burns a hole in his stomach. Maybe Kihyun can actually feel that he's practically shaking underneath the thick covers, but he doesn't say anything about it either way. Later that night after the lights have been turned off and Kihyun’s stubbornly managed to slip into bed next to him, Changkyun finally allows himself to cry as quietly as he can, angry tears rolling down his face. A few minutes later, Kihyun opens his tired eyes and watches him for a few seconds before he scoots over closer, wrapping an arm around Changkyun’s waist. 

“Don't cry, Changkyunnie, it's okay. Hyungwon loves you baby, you know that right? This fight won't last forever, I promise.”

Feeling worse than ever after hearing those words, Changkyun pulls away from Kihyun and turns around in bed, curling tightly into himself. Kihyun wraps around him anyway, placing a soft kiss on the nape of his neck. 

The older man eventually falls asleep again but Changkyun’s traitorous mind keeps supplying him with images of him being dragged away to the psych ward in a straight jacket and he ends up staying awake the whole night, bleary eyes staring at the wall in hopelessness. 

**+**

Changkyun must have fallen asleep some time during the early morning but he doesn't remember when. The next time he wakes up, it's late in the afternoon, way later than he's ever slept in. The next time he wakes up, Hyungwon is also gone from the apartment. In fact, he's not even in the same city.

“What the hell do you mean he left to go DJ a music festival in Daegu!? Nobody fucking told me,” Changkyun growls, staring incredulously at everyone piled on the living room sofa where they'd been watching a movie before he'd interrupted them. 

“We thought Hyungwon had told you about it already,” Jooheon says from his spot on Minhyuk’s lap. “Besides, the event’s been listed on our appearance schedule for a week now, haven't you noticed it?”

“Obviously not,” Changkyun manages to grit out before he stalks back to his room, feeling confused and frazzled. How the hell had he missed the fact that Hyungwon had a separate schedule today? And why the hell was it timed so perfectly? Had the older man planned it? There’s no way he’d thought that far ahead of time… that would be entirely too manipulative.

Head aching fiercely from all the questions floating around his head, Changkyun gathers a new change of clothes and shuts himself in the bathroom to take a shower. In auto-pilot, he scrubs his body with the washcloth while ignoring the soreness in his hips and thighs. The water is entirely too hot, it feels like he’s scalding his skin from the heat but he can’t find it in himself to care in his troubled state of mind. Eventually, when the hot water starts running out and the bathroom mirror is fogged over completely, Changkyun finally shuts off the water. His head still hurts, so after he dresses himself and brushes his teeth, he wanders down the hall and heads for the kitchen.

“Are you hungry?” Hoseok asks from the counter, focused on filling the kettle with water for a fresh pot of tea.

“Not right now, I’ll grab something later,” Changkyun murmurs as he passes by him, grabbing a glass and filling it up with water which he swallows down right away. His throat feels scratchy for some reason and the water only marginally helps.

“Well, if you’re sure,” Hoseok answers with a slight frown. “You know, the movie is almost over. Do you want to watch the next one with us? We’ll even let you pick it out.”

Changkyun stares down at the empty glass of water and watches a stray droplet of water rolling down the clear glass. “No, I’m going to bed, I’m really sleepy.”

Hoseok purses his mouth in thought. “Kihyun did say you had a late night yesterday. It’s probably a good idea to go rest some more.”

Mumbling an assent, Changkyun sets down the glass in the sink and trudges back to the room, listening to the sounds of Minhyuk and Kihyun’s chattering and Hyunwoo and Jooheon’s laughter as it echoes down the hall. Once he’s settled back in bed with a pile of blankets to keep him warm, Changkyun grabs his cell phone from the charger and unplugs it, staring at the black screen for a second before he turns it on and instantly goes to his contacts, scrolling down the list of names until he finally reaches Hyungwon’s. He keeps staring at it for a few minutes, internally debating whether he should call or not. It’s the middle of the afternoon and Hyungwon’s schedule meant that he’d probably be busy most of the day. The festival isn’t until 8 PM or so, but the hours beforehand wouldn’t be spent idly. Hyungwon would have to go through rehearsal and sound check followed by makeup and wardrobe right after and that will probably take a good amount of his time. 

Frowning in displeasure, Changkyun reluctantly sets down the phone next to him. He closes his eyes but less than a second later, he half-opens one eye and growls at himself for being such a pussy. Without a second thought, he turns on his phone and calls Hyungwon and waits for him to answer… and waits… and waits.

“Fuck,” Changkyun whispers heavily, hands shaking with nerves. He feels like he’s about to have a panic attack and he doesn’t even know why. His call goes all the way through to voicemail but he doesn’t bother leaving a message; instead he hangs up the phone and closes his eyes shut tight, letting his phone drop to the mattress carelessly. Breathing out slowly through his mouth and drawing in a big breath, Changkyun tries to calm down his racing pulse. It doesn't matter that Hyungwon didn’t answer, he’ll just try again later. He’ll call as many times as it takes.

**+**

Later ends up being much later than he’d expected. Late enough for it to be the middle of the night while everyone else is deeply asleep. He can’t sleep even if he tried; his mind is still running a million miles an hour despite the fact that he feels tired as hell. Throwing off the covers, Changkyun quietly gets out of bed and tiptoes out of the dark room until he finally gets to the living room. Checking to make sure that his cell phone is still in his pocket, Changkyun goes through the motions of putting on shoes and a jacket before he steps out of the apartment and makes a trek to the closest coffee shop nearby. He’s not stupid, going out late at night by himself is kind of reckless and memories of past cycles always linger. He distinctly remembers being assaulted in alleyways in his haste to escape the apartment late at night and it’s only served to remind him that anything dangerous can happen at anytime. 

At least the cafe would offer a safe haven temporarily; even if the employees in the cafe overhear his conversation, they won’t care in the least. With that thought in mind, he sets off at a brisk pace until he finally arrives at the tiny hole-in-the-wall coffee shop, which happens to be empty of customers tonight. Glancing at the bored looking cashier sketching on the notepad placed in front of him, Changkyun quickly walks up to him and orders a cup of coffee before he settles into a corner booth, away from the register.

Pulling down the hood covering his face, he pulls out his phone and stares at the screen. Hyungwon had never called back in the end, but Changkyun hadn’t really expected him to. Clicking the call button, he waits patiently while he glances around the dingy lit table. Absentmindedly, he starts playing with a couple of sugar packets while the dialing ringtone echoes faintly from the tinny phone speaker. On the fourth ring, the line clicks.

“Hi, Changkyun-ah.” Hyungwon answers with a low murmur. “It’s late. Shouldn’t you be asleep?”

At the sound of Hyungwon’s tired voice, Changkyun’s carefully constructed argument is torn to shreds.

“I…” Try as he might, Changkyun can’t get another word out; it feels like there’s something stuck in his throat, a mixture of threats and angry curses and pleas that want to spill out of his traitorous mouth.

“Your eye hurts?” Hyungwon speculates with a low slur, sounding sleepy. “You should go get some eye drops. They’re in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom.”

Hyungwon’s suggestion feels utterly out of place—he doesn’t even sound bothered by the fact that it’s nearly two in the morning or the fact that the last time they had spoken, they were actually yelling at each other.

“That’s not why I called,” Changkyun answers, trying to remain civil for once.

“Oh, do you need something?” Hyungwon murmurs, sounding interested. “What is it?” 

“Do I—do I need something?! … Hyungwon, you know why I’m calling,” Changkyun grits out through clenched teeth, bringing a hand up to cradle his face. 

“Because you missed me?” Hyungwon guesses with a dry voice. At the ensuing silence, he lets out a soft sigh.

“I know why you’re calling Changkyun-ah, but I don’t know what you’re hoping to accomplish. I’m not going to change my mind about telling the others. I’m not going to apologize for telling them either. I don’t think it’s fair for you to ask me to hide something like this, do you?”

“That’s not—”

“Here's your coffee,” a bored voice interrupts and Changkyun glances up at the tall cashier as he places the cheap plastic cup on his table. “Let me know if you need anything else. Oh, and we close in half-an-hour. Please don’t stay too long, I’m ready to leave this hellhole.” Soft warning spoken, the cashier turns right around and walks back to sit behind the counter, reaching for his pen once again and returning to his sketch pad without a care in the world.

Changkyun stares at him, slightly weirded out, before Hyungwon’s voice draws him back to the present. “You’re not at home?” he asks, sounding slightly suspicious. 

“Coffee shop,” Changkyun corrects.

“This late at night? Kind of weird,” Hyungwon says, but at least he doesn’t sound like he’s actually chiding him, just pointing out a simple fact. 

“...anyway,” Changkyun continues, slightly exasperated. “I… fuck, I don’t even know what to say. This is so ridiculous.”

“I’m listening,” Hyungwon murmurs. “I’m not going anywhere, just tell me what’s on your mind.”

“You’re not going anywhere?... You’re not even here. Why did you leave, did you plan this shit out or something? I… after having sex for the second fucking time, you drop that fucking bomb on me and then just disappear the next day? It’s not fair.” Fuck, Changkyun hadn’t even meant to spill out his feelings on that particular matter, but he can’t deny that it’s been niggling at him.

“I didn’t plan to do that, I promise. I feel like such an asshole… but I couldn’t cancel the event, Changkyun-ah. I wish I didn’t have to leave.”

“But you did,” Changkyun points out. “How am I supposed to tell you what I really want to say if you’re not right in front of me? This feels like such an important conversation, and we’re having it over the fucking phone.”

“I’m sorry I’m not there,” Hyungwon apologizes. At the admission, Changkyun grabs the still steaming cup of coffee and drowns it all in one shot, heat burning his throat and blistering his tongue. 

“Me too,” Changkyun hisses, tongue going numb. “Hyungwon… what do I have to say to convince you that I’m fine, all things considered? I mean, I know I’m a little fucked up, but isn’t it to be expected with all the shit that I had to go through? I was stuck in a time loop for years, isn’t it normal to be fucking messed up about it? I’m trying. I’m really trying to get over it, why can’t you see that? I just need to be left alone a while longer to sort out all the bad shit in my head.”

“You act like we haven’t given you time. You’ve had six months to deal with this the best way that you could, but it’s not working. You need to rely on us, and the first step is to tell everyone else the truth so they can help.”

“I’ll end up in the psych ward,” Changkyun corrects, rubbing his weary eyes. “My symptoms aren’t normal. The first time I blackout in front of the others, they’ll freak out and I’ll end up in a psych ward.”

“Don’t you trust us? Don’t you trust _me_? I won’t let you end up somewhere like that,” Hyungwon murmurs, but his soft-spoken words hold a tinge of sadness.

“I—that’s not the issue here. It’s not a matter of trust, believe me… I just don’t want to be—”

“Hey Changkyun-ah. Fancy meeting you here,” a sarcastic voice interrupts. Changkyun glances up just in time to watch Kihyun and Minhyuk sit down across from him. 

“Did you fucking text them where I was?” Changkyun growls out into the phone, glaring at the two intruders. 

“Who?” Hyungwon asks curiously.

“Dumb and dumber,” Changkyun answers, watching as Minhyuk reaches for the menu in the center of the table. Turning his head to glance at the surly cashier, Changkyun’s not surprised to find that the guy is glaring at him as if this was all his fault. 

“Don’t disappear in the middle of the night, brat.” Kihyun grunts, glaring at him back. “Consider yourself lucky that you’re predictable enough that we knew just where to find you or you’d be in trouble.”

“I just wanted to get some coffee, is there something wrong with that?”

“You left in the middle of the night without telling us where you were going, don’t even try to turn the blame on us.”

Changkyun purses his mouth, hearing Hyungwon’s smothered laughter coming faintly from the speaker. The older man can probably hear what’s going on.

“Kihyun-ah, do you want to get some juice or something?” Minhyuk asks, browsing through the menu. “Maybe we could share a sandwich.”

Kihyun sends Minhyuk a disgruntled frown. “It’s the middle of the night, I can’t believe you’re hungry.”

“Always,” Minhyuk answers, completely brushing away the criticism.

“Orange juice sounds good,” Kihyun eventually relents, placing his arms on the table and resting his head on the palms of his hands. With a soft sound of agreement, Minhyuk gets up and heads for the register, cheerfully greeting the sour faced cashier.

Changkyun continues to glare at Kihyun, although he feels confused mostly. Everyone had been asleep, at least he was sure of it; how did they find out he had left?

“Minhyuk woke me up, he got thirsty and went to get a glass of water and he noticed that you weren’t in the apartment,” Kihyun finally reveals. 

“You could have called,” Changkyun mumbles and Kihyun glances at the phone in his hand on purpose.

“The line was busy, you probably didn’t notice when we tried to call. Who are you talking to, by the way? Hyungwon?”

“Yeah,” Changkyun grunts out. Minhyuk comes back from ordering their food and he settles next to Kihyun once again, looking somewhat ridiculous in his pajama pants and his thick hooded jacket. 

“Why didn’t you change, at least? It’s freezing outside,” Changkyun points out and Minhyuk shrugs. 

“It’s not that bad! Besides, my pajamas are super comfy,” Minhyuk grins, ruffling his blond hair away from his forehead. “I ordered a sandwich for you too, Changkyun-ah. If you’re not hungry, it’s okay, I’ll just take it home and save it for later.”

“Thanks,” Changkyun murmurs. 

“He’s wearing pajamas because he’s worried about you, dummy,” Hyungwon murmurs, a rustling sound echoing in the background. “Once they realized you were gone from the apartment, they probably rushed out to come find you. They care about you a lot, I hope you know.”

Feeling warm all of a sudden, Changkyun looks down at table and traces the wooden grain pattern. “I do know,” he murmurs back. Hyungwon exhales softly and even if he can’t see him right this second, Changkyun’s willing to bet that the older man is smiling. Changkyun's heart aches all of a sudden, and even if he's angry at Hyungwon and what he's promised to do, the threat that he's holding over his head, that doesn't stop Changkyun from missing him right this second. This is so stupid. Changkyun hates being angry at Hyungwon.

“Are you tired?” Changkyun asks, swallowing past the knot in his suddenly dry throat while ignoring the smug and vaguely knowing look that Kihyun sends him across the table.

“It’s been a long day,” Hyungwon answers. “I’ll be back tomorrow, okay? Then we can continue this conversation.”

“That’s fine,” Changkyun murmurs. “It’s not like it’ll change anything, though. I know I can’t convince you to stay quiet on this matter.” It burns to admit it, but he knows it's the truth. Changkyun is stubborn and he knows this about himself, but he also knows his soulmate. Hyungwon is equally, if not more stubborn than he is and he's simply not going to let this matter go. Damn it.

“I thought you’d try harder to convince me, or at least yell at me some more,” Hyungwon says with a faint tone of surprise. “Not that I want you to yell at me… I’m tired of fighting with you.”

“I know… I am too, more than you can imagine,” Changkyun sighs. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Good night, hyung.”

“Good night, Changkyun-ah. Sleep well.”

Once the phone call ends, Changkyun’s met with two pairs of expectant eyes, no doubt curious about his conversation with Hyungwon.

“Did you make up from your fight?” Minhyuk asks and Kihyun elbows him in the gut for being so straightforward even though he’s probably just as curious about the answer. Hissing softly, Minhyuk reaches for a strand of Kihyun’s hair and pulls on it in retaliation.

“Just tell us if you’re okay,” Kihyun asks, head still resting on the palm of his hand. He’s wearing glasses and the light reflects off the lenses; he’d probably been in a hurry to leave the apartment if he hadn’t even taken the time to put on contacts.

Changkyun’s eyes flicker, glancing down at the black screen of his phone. “Yeah.. yeah, I’m okay.”

Eventually, their food arrives and they all start eating, Minhyuk starting up a conversation with his mouth full, bread crumbs sticking to his chin. After Changkyun finishes his own sandwich, he idly turns to gaze out the window next to the booth. It’s dark outside and the trees rustle from a howling wind that is muffled by the walls of the coffee shop. His own reflection stares back at him in the clear glass, and he can see Minhyuk and Kihyun as well, fighting over the last bit of orange juice.

“It’s mine, jerk,” Kihyun grunts, smacking Minhyuk’s hand away but the blond man simply grins and smacks a hard kiss against Kihyun’s cheek which serves as a distraction so he can grab the glass of juice and swallow the last of its contents. 

“If you want it back, you’re going to have to make me throw up,” Minhyuk taunts, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. 

“You owe me a glass of juice, don’t think I’ll forget this,” Kihyun grumbles and Minhyuk laughs, long and hard.

“I paid for it, though?”

“Doesn’t matter, you still owe me.”

Changkyun yawns, tiredness hitting him all at once. He’s sleepy now, despite the fact that he’d had a couple cups of coffee.

“Come on, Changkyun-ah,” Kihyun says as he rises to his feet. “Time to go home.”

Changkyun nods and silently gets up, wrapping the jacket tight around himself. Less than a second later, they’re outside and Minhyuk wraps an arm around Changkyun and Kihyun, standing in the middle and shivering as the breeze makes his hair blow around his face.

“Looks like a storm,” Kihyun murmurs. “That’s weird—it wasn’t on the forecast.”

“Is the forecast ever right?” Minhyuk snorts, but he tugs Changkyun and Kihyun closer. “Please hug me tighter, I’m freezing my balls off.”

**+**

Thunder crashes outside and Changkyun startles awake, rising from the tangle of covers on the sofa. His heart is pounding in his chest and he struggles to catch his breath. For a breathless second, he’s not sure where he is until he spies Minhyuk’s blond hair a few feet away where the older man sleeps on the other end of the sofa. They’d fallen asleep in the living room after they got back from the coffee shop but it doesn’t feel like it’s been that long; when he checks the clock in the living room, he’s surprised to see that it’s a little past 8 a.m. 

“Was’ wrong?” Minhyuk slurs, raising his head skeptically and glancing at him through half-lidded eyes. Changkyun shakes his head back and forth and slumps back into the sofa, feeling confused. The sound of heavy rain tries to lull him to sleep, but the flashes of lightning and thunder are hard to ignore. Changkyun closes his eyes and grabs the covers, trying to pull them closer to himself so he can go back to sleep. He hates the sounds of storms but it’s not so bad with a warm pair of legs tangled loosely against his, feet digging into his armpit to try to warm up. It’s weird but strangely comfortable and even Kihyun’s measured breathing where he sleeps on the floor is also reassuring.

He’s almost back asleep when he hears a cell phone ringing from down the hall. Letting out a tired sigh, he resolutely opens his eyes and listens to the sound of rain pattering against the windowpane.

There’s a sound of a small crash, as if somebody had fallen out of bed, followed by footsteps and hushed whispers.

More footsteps follow, and one of the doors creaks open followed by the room next door. Kihyun groans in tired annoyance and quickly gets up from his makeshift bed on the living room floor. 

“What’s all this racket? We’re trying to sleep,” he grumbles, walking towards the hallway.

“Kihyun-ah, thank god—where’s Changkyun and Minhyuk? They’re not in their beds.”

“They’re sleeping on the sofa,” Kihyun explains shortly before Hyunwoo practically bowls him over in his haste to get to the living room.

“What’s going on?” Minhyuk asks, looking instantly awake at the tense look on Hyunwoo’s face.

“It’s—”

“Hyunggg? I’m tired. Was’ happening?” Jooheon groans, stumbling into the living room with Hoseok’s arm wrapped around his shoulder.

“Hyunwoo hyung?” Minhyuk repeats, rubbing at his eyes.

Rather than answer Jooheon and Minhyuk, Hyunwoo kneels in front of the sofa and reaches for Changkyun’s hand lying on top of the covers. 

“Listen, Changkyun,” Hyunwoo starts carefully with a gentle, soothing voice, though the weary expression on his face betrays his tone. “The first thing you need to know is that Hyungwon is okay.”

“...What? What are you talking about?” Changkyun frowns, rubbing at his face tiredly. “Of course he’s okay, I just spoke to him on the phone a few hours ago. Hyungwon’s probably asleep right now, that lazy fucker.”

Hyunwoo looks dumbfounded at the admission, as if he’s unsure of how to proceed. 

“Don’t keep him guessing, just tell him,” Hoseok murmurs from a few feet away and Changkyun turns to glance at him in confusion. What the hell are they talking about? Maybe it’s the fact that he’d fallen asleep late and woken up early, but nothing is making sense to him right now. 

Feeling Hyunwoo squeezing his hand softly, Changkyun turns back to look at the older man. He’s met with Hyunwoo’s determined expression, as if the older man had steeled himself for his next sentence. 

“Changkyun-ah… listen, there’s been a car accident—”

“What?! Is Hyungwon—”

“He’s fine!” Hyunwoo quickly interrupts, noticing the panicked look on his face. “Everything is okay, Hyungwon is okay, he’s the one who called me to let me know what happened.”

Hyunwoo’s reassuring words don’t make him feel any better. Changkyun feels like there’s an oppressive fog in his head dampening his senses and he can’t think straight past the sound of squealing tires and a deafening crash echoing in his head over and over again, the awful memories replaying in his mind. “Where is he? I-I need to see him!” Changkyun yells desperately, pushing the covers off and practically falling into Hyunwoo’s lap in his haste to go find his soulmate. Quickly getting back up on his feet, he manages to push past Hyunwoo but Hoseok catches him before he can walk much further, fingers wrapping around his forearm. 

“Where are you going, Changkyun-ah? Don’t worry, Hyungwon’s alright, he’ll be here soon,” Hoseok softly reassures him, and Changkyun shakes his head in denial and tries to shake loose out of his hold. 

“Hyungwon… I need to find him, I need to see him,” Changkyun huffs out through short, uneven breaths, mind going haywire at the thought of his soulmate being injured. Is this another cycle? No, it can’t be.. It can’t be, they fixed it! It can’t be, it just can’t…

“Whoa, it’s okay, you need to calm down,” Hoseok murmurs and Kihyun comes to stand next to him, placing his hand on Changkyun’s back gingerly, as if afraid to touch him.

“You’re having a panic attack, Changkyun-ah,” Kihyun mumbles with clear concern. “It’s okay, just breathe in slowly and it’ll pass.”

“Let me go!” Changkyun pleads, batting away Kihyun’s hand and trying to pull away from Hoseok at the same time. “Fucking let me go, I need to find Hyungwon!”

Changkyun nearly wrenches his arm from the socket in his attempt to break away from Hoseok’s tight hold and the older man curses softly under his breath, pulling Changkyun into a tight hug to restrict his movements. 

“Jooheon, go get me the blanket.”

The younger man looks startled at being called out but he quickly nods and walks away quickly to go find said item. 

“Hyung, you said Hyungwon called you, right?” Kihyun asks, looking torn as he glances at Changkyun’s wild-eyed expression, growling out curses as he tries to push Hoseok away without success. “Why don’t you let Changkyun talk to him on the phone so he can confirm that he’s alright for himself?”

“That’s... that’s a good idea. I don’t know why I didn't think about it sooner,” Hyunwoo says, digging his phone out of his pocket and quickly dialing Hyungwon’s number.

“What happened, exactly?” Kihyun asks, biting his lip out of anxiousness and worry.

“They were on their way back to Seoul when they had the car accident. I think somebody ran a red light and crashed into their van. Hongshik hyung broke his leg, but Hyungwon sounded fine on the phone, just shaky. He insisted that he was perfectly fine.”

Minhyuk groans, looking upset. “I can’t believe there was an accident—”

The phone line clicks and Changkyun tenses at the sound, body going completely still.

“Hello?” Hyungwon’s distracted voice calls out and Changkyun practically turns boneless in Hoseok’s arms, letting out a shaky exhale of relief. 

“Hyungwon,” Changkyun calls out roughly, voice low and desperate. “Are you okay? Are you injured?”

“Changkyun-ah,” Hyungwon quickly answers, breath hitching in surprise. “I’m okay, I promise. I-I’m just a little shaken up, that's it.”

There’s so many questions that Changkyun wants to ask, so many thoughts racing through his mind but somehow, the next thing out of his mouth is this: “Why didn’t you call me?” The resentment in his tone is blatantly obvious and he doesn’t even know why he asked the stupid question in the first place—truly, it’s the least important thing right now, but the fact that Hyungwon didn’t call _him_ stings in a weird sort of way. Kihyun’s sharp gaze a few feet away bores into him and he feels stupid all over again. What the hell is wrong with him?

“N-nevermind,” Changkyun nervously stutters less than a second later, closing his eyes so tight that he can see white spots dancing in his vision. “I-I’m just so glad you’re okay.” 

“Changkyun-ah,” Hyungwon starts, his tremulous voice going softer and sounding just a tad bit calmer than before. “I did call you but the call didn’t go through. Did you forget to plug your phone in last night or something?”

“Oh, fuck,” Changkyun curses and he suddenly recalls leaving his cell phone in the pocket of his jacket last night after getting home from the cafe, having discarded the garment without any second thoughts. The cell phone’s undoubtedly dead by now, no question about it.

“Did you really think I wouldn’t call you first? You’re such a dummy,” Hyungwon chokes out before he laughs, slightly breathless sounding. The sound of his laughter serves to loosen up something in Changkyun’s chest and he blinks repeatedly to try to clear the liquid obscuring his vision, but it’s entirely useless. Tears roll down Changkyun’s face and he sinks to the floor, dragging Hoseok down with him, as the reality of the situation sinks in. Hyungwon could have died in the car accident and there’s nothing he could have done about it. The weight of the truth is entirely too heavy to bear. 

“It’s okay, baby,” Hoseok whispers, gathering him in his arms and nuzzling his warm face against his nape, trying to comfort him.

The sound of blaring sirens suddenly radiates from the phone’s speaker and everyone startles at the sound. “Oh... the paramedics are here.” Hyungwon says, sounding distracted. “Changkyun-ah, don’t worry. I’ll be home as soon as I can manage... Hyunwoo hyung, can you take me off speaker? I need to talk to you.”

Looking startled, Hyunwoo quickly brings the phone back to his ear, clicking the button to make the conversation private once again. “What do you need Hyungwon-ah?”

Nobody can catch what Hyungwon says next and Hyunwoo’s expression doesn't offer any clues either, still harboring that worried but carefully controlled expression on his face.

“I don't know if that's such a good idea…”

Changkyun strains against Hoseok, trying to get closer to Hyunwoo to hear the conversation, but the older man doesn’t budge an inch, steady arms embracing him tightly. When Jooheon appears with the blanket again, looking somewhat frazzled, Kihyun takes it from him and together with Minhyuk and Hoseok's help, they manage to wrap Changkyun in the binding blanket, securing it tightly around him like a warm cocoon before they settle him back to sit between Hoseok’s legs. The only reason Changkyun lets them is that he’s so distracted by trying to listen in to the conversation between Hyunwoo and Hyungwon that he barely even notices them moving him around limply like a rag doll.

A few feet away, Hyunwoo paces back and forth across the carpet. “I’d prefer if you went with Hongshik, Hyungwon-ah. I just don't think…” Whatever Hyungwon says next manages to stop him short. He hesitates and briefly glances at Changkyun, looking wild-eyed and desperate, before he turns away and sighs. “Fine, but you're not taking a cab, don’t be ridiculous. We’ll come pick you up, just hold tight.” After he hangs up the phone, Hyunwoo quickly glances at everyone gathered around the living room, as if assessing the situation.

“We’re picking him up?” Hoseok asks and Hyunwoo nods his head in answer.

“Yeah. He says he's not injured and that he doesn't want to go to the emergency room and well… I’d prefer if he was home with us sooner than later. Changkyun needs him here.”

“Let me go with you!” Changkyun quickly interjects, restlessly struggling against the binding blanket. “I need to see him! Hyung, please, I—”

“Sorry Changkyun-ah, but that’s not going to happen. I need to know you’re safe while I'm gone and the only way for me to make sure of that is for you to stay with Hoseok and Kihyun-ah.”

“That's not fair!” Changkyun hisses, but the anger in his voice is tempered by the shortness of his breath and the stark white paleness of his face, a fresh wave of tears streaming down his face at the threat of being left behind. He looks like he’s going to pass out and everyone is far too protective to let him go out like this when he’s on the verge of a bad panic attack. 

Kneeling down in front of Changkyun where he lies nestled in the blanket with his back resting against Hoseok’s chest, the older man reaches forward and uses the pad of his thumb to wipe away the tears pooling at the corners of his eyes. “It’s going to be okay, Changkyun-ah.”

“Hyung, please take me with you,” Changkyun pleads, gnashing his teeth in frustration and eagerly leaning towards the older man.

“I'll bring him back quickly, we should be back in an hour,” Hyunwoo promises, blatantly ignoring Changkyun’s fevered pleading. Quickly getting up, Hyunwoo grabs the keys near the door and puts on his shoes. “Minhyuk, you're coming with me. Hoseok, Kihyun, you know what to do, and Jooheonie, you’re to assist them in any way possible. Be safe.”

“Got it. I’ll call if something urgent happens,” Hoseok responds calmly, and Kihyun nods as well, solemn gaze glued to Changkyun. 

“Be careful on your way back, hyung,” Kihyun murmurs, turning to glance at Hyunwoo temporarily, long enough to meet the older man’s warm brown eyes. Hyunwoo nods in agreement and reaches over to steady Minhyuk as he nearly falls over in his hurry to put on his shoes and his jacket at the same time.

“No, don’t leave yet! Hyung, take me with you!” Changkyun yells but regardless of his frantic pleading, Hyunwoo and Minhyuk are gone a few minutes later. Growling out curses in frustration, he hangs his weary head. His breaths are still too short to be considered normal and even as he tries to take a deep breath to calm down, he finds it impossible to do so. 

“Hyung, he's okay right...?” Changkyun finds himself whispering, sweat beading on his forehead. He can hear the clock ticking on the wall and the sound of rain against the window, sees small flashes of lightning out of the corner of his eyes that keep making him jolt.

“He’s perfectly fine,” Kihyun softly reassures him, warm hand reaching up to cup his cheek. “You heard him, right? Hyungwon answered the phone and you heard his voice. He’s okay, Changkyun-ah.”

Even though Kihyun's words ring true, Changkyun can't help the cold sensation of fear and apprehension in his gut. His stomach is cramping from fear and he can't help the loud whine that escapes his mouth, feeling hot and cold at the same time, body going haywire with mixed signals. 

Lightning flashes outside the window and crashing thunder follows barely seconds later. At the sound of heavy rain, Changkyun can't help but remember flashes of the first time he experienced a cycle, the first day of what would end up being a four year nightmare. It had been raining that night too, hadn't it? Suddenly feeling bile crawling up his esophagus, Changkyun tries to bring a hand to cover his mouth but the blanket is too tight too allow the movement. He can't even warn Hoseok or Kihyun, it happens entirely too fast. He groans regretfully one last time before he empties his stomach all over the blanket. 

Kihyun hisses in worry and instantly tugs on the stained blankets, trying to undo them as quickly as possible. With Hoseok’s help, Kihyun finally manages to free him from the mess he made and Changkyun crawls forward on his hands and knees and continues to retch into the ground.

Once he’s finished puking his guts out, Changkyun uses the damp towel that Jooheon hands him to wipe his mouth and neck clean. Surprisingly, he avoided making a mess on himself but the smell of bile clings to his clothes unpleasantly. “Sorry,” Changkyun whispers roughly, throat feeling sore from the strain. 

“It’s okay, don't worry about it,” Kihyun reassures him, gathering the dirty blanket and crumpling it into a tight ball that he quickly takes to the washing machine. When he comes back barely a few seconds later, Jooheon has a fresh new blanket in his hands and he tries to hand it to the short man.

“Should we…?” Kihyun asks, glancing at Hoseok. He doesn’t finish the question but Hoseok understands what he’s trying to ask anyway. Hoseok furrows his eyebrows as he uses the sleeve of his nightshirt to wipe the damp sweat on Changkyun’s hot forehead. “It’s not doing any good, honestly. His breathing is too affected right now; restricting his movements is probably worsening his breathing and it might make him pass out at this rate.”

“Try letting him sit by himself, then. I’ll go make some tea,” Kihyun decides, putting the blanket on the sofa just in case.

“I’ll go make it,” Jooheon interrupts all of a sudden, quickly turning around and heading for the kitchen. Neither Hoseok or Kihyun are surprised—Jooheon’s always been the one who had the hardest time acting when in a crisis. His age definitely showed when faced with hard situations like this. None of his older teammates blame him; in fact, they’re glad that Jooheon trusts them all enough to get a handle on the situation no matter what happens.

Hearing a low groan, Kihyun turns to glance at Changkyun who’s still kneeling on the ground, arms wrapped around his stomach and looking ill. 

“Go get the bucket, we’ll probably need it again,” Hoseok asks him quietly and Kihyun nods, leaving for the bathroom once again.

Barely paying attention to his surroundings, Changkyun lays down on the floor, his whole body feeling weak and uncooperative. A few seconds later, Hoseok picks him up and places him on the sofa to lay down more comfortably, tucking a lightweight sheet around him but not tight enough to be considered stifling. Changkyun barely pays attention, dark brown eyes fixated to the short hallway leading to the entrance, barely blinking in fear of missing anything. 

“Minhyuk just texted me, they’ve picked up Hyungwon and they’re on their way back,” Kihyun informs him with a soft voice, fingers carding through his hair and trying to soothe him. Changkyun doesn’t respond to the older man, burning eyes fixed on the entrance while his hands dig into the cushions underneath, body going tense with anticipation.

Although time continues to pass, the rain outside doesn’t let up. Perhaps it’s his troubled state of mind, but his perception of time is skewed so much that it feels like days later when the front door finally opens. In the end, it doesn’t really matter. When Hyungwon walks in through the door, Changkyun’s whole thought process comes to a screeching halt and he stumbles out of the sofa, nearly tripping on the sheets tangled around his legs. Kihyun catches him just in time and Changkyun quickly shakes off the pain of his near fall and staggers forward into Hyungwon’s waiting arms, blurry eyes barely able to see anything through the thick haze of tears obscuring his eyesight.

“Hyungwon, y-you’re alright,” Changkyun mumbles through trembling lips, arms circling the older man’s waist and clutching on to the soaking fabric of his t-shirt. “I thought—I thought it was another cycle, I thought you were d-d-dead—”

Hyungwon plants a kiss on his trembling mouth and wraps him up tightly in his arms, one of his hands coming to rest in the center of his back where he absentmindedly monitors his breathing. “It’s okay, don’t cry, Changkyun-ah. I’m fine, baby. I’m fine, don’t worry about me.”

“Don’t leave me again, please hyung,” Changkyun sobs, fingers clutching Hyungwon’s shirt tighter. “I can’t do this again, I c-can’t—this isn’t another cycle, right? Right?” He glances up at Hyungwon and takes in the sight of him, tries to reassure himself that the older man is perfectly fine and healthy and not hurt in any way. Hyungwon’s dark brows are furrowed in worry and his wet bangs stick to his forehead, dripping water down his solemn face. It makes him look like he’s crying, even though he’s really not. Even so, Changkyun’s heart hurts. 

“This is _not_ another cycle,” Hyungwon responds seriously, cupping Changkyun’s face tenderly with his cold hands. “This day is not going to repeat again, nothing is going to happen to me or to you or to anybody else. Do you understand?”

“What if it does?” Changkyun groans out, unable to help himself. “What if—”

“Listen to me,” Hyungwon stresses sternly, sharp eyes boring into his own relentlessly. “This is not another cycle. I’m here, right? If it was another cycle, I’d already be dead. You know this. This accident is not following the usual pattern, this is a deviation from that.”

“That’s not true,” Changkyun whispers, eyes drifting down to stare at Hyungwon’s warm mouth, remembering all of the times he’d seen blood pouring out of the older man’s lips. “Sometimes you don’t— _didn’t_ —die right away. Sometimes, you suffered for hours and I had to watch you d-die slowly. That was before I had the guts to kill you in order to end your needless suffering. In one of the last cycles I lived through, you were in so much pain… I couldn’t take it anymore, so I… I snapped your neck. I was the one to kill you.”

At the clumsy admission, he tenses up, shoulders rising unintentionally as if trying to shield him. He doesn’t know why he’s revealing any of this now, why he chose such a bad time to divulge one of the secrets he’d been keeping quiet. Incredulous silence cloaks the room, and Changkyun can’t hold Hyungwon’s gaze anymore, feeling hot and ashamed, the cup of tea he’d swallowed earlier threatening to come back up all of a sudden. 

“I’m glad you killed me, if it made the cycles easier for you to live through,” Hyungwon offers with heartfelt sincerity. “I don’t care what you did, Changkyun-ah, you can hardly be blamed for your actions after suffering for so many years.”

“It’s not a good excuse for killing your own soulmate,” Changkyun murmurs, voice sounding faraway and distant, as if he was remembering a particular instance. Hearing a stifled sob, Changkyun blearily glances to the right and catches Kihyun clumsily covering his mouth to muffle his cries, glancing back at him resolutely with a warm, reassuring smile despite the heart-rending pain obvious in his eyes. Changkyun doesn’t deserve the sympathy. Hyungwon’s not the only one he’d killed in the end, but he’s managed to suppress those memories to the point that he barely remembers them. Those hazy, faded memories are buried so deep inside of him that he can almost pretend that they never happened. 

Hyungwon lets out a poignant sigh and Changkyun instantly turns back to glance at the older man, absentmindedly reaching up to wipe the steady stream of tears still falling from his reddened eyes.

“Changkyun-ah, I’m so sorry that you had to suffer so much because of the time loop. I will never blame you for the actions you took during one of the cycles, I hope you know that.”

“It doesn’t... It doesn't matter anymore,” Changkyun whispers, head bowing down as he leans in to rest his head against Hyungwon’s chest. “Just… just promise me that you’re okay right now. That’s all I need to know. I just.. I just need to know that you’re okay.”

“I’m okay,” Hyungwon says sincerely, placing a kiss on the crown of his head and hugging him as if afraid to let go. It feels so good to be wrapped up in his arms that Changkyun can’t complain, only presses his face against his shoulder and shakes with a deep, heartfelt relief. 

All of a sudden, Changkyun’s desperate to feel the older man’s warmth, wants to kiss him senseless, and he doesn’t see any reason to stop himself from doing so, mind going blank with need. He leans up into Hyungwon and breathes in his comforting, familiar scent before he slots his lips between Hyungwon’s in a soft, warm kiss. His hands absentmindedly trace the shape of Hyungwon’s torso, wandering hands reaching underneath his wet clothes to skim over his cold hips and the damp skin of his sides before sliding over the smooth muscles in his back. Hyungwon moans into the kiss, cupping Changkyun’s chin and tilting his face to the side to gain deeper access to his mouth.

Changkyun _almost_ forgets that Hyungwon was just in an accident. He _almost_ manages to rein in his erratic breathing, _almost_ manages to come to terms with the fact that the time loop is firmly behind him and that it would never, ever repeat itself. He _almost_ manages to do those things, but in the end it never happens, because when his hand skims over the smooth skin of Hyungwon's stomach, fingers slowly tracing the contour of his ribs and pressing lightly against each divot, he encounters something slick. Changkyun’s fingers stop in their track and Hyungwon tenses the slightest amount, as if surprised. There's something beneath Changkyun’s fingers and he's so distracted by the weird sensation of touching the strange wetness that he doesn't notice when he stops responding to the kiss. With curious trepidation, Changkyun presses his fingers into Hyungwon’s flesh, right over the patch of slick. Almost right away, Hyungwon hisses with a low groan, quickly stepping away from Changkyun to get away from his probing fingers. Staring at Hyungwon through widened eyes, Changkyun slowly looks down at his hand, still raised in midair. The tips of his fingers are stained red, droplets of liquid dripping down his fingertips.

“No, no, no,” Changkyun mindlessly whispers to himself, stepping closer to Hyungwon and quickly lifting up his shirt despite the fact that the older man tries to stop him. Changkyun’s eyes take in the sight of Hyungwon’s bruised torso, eyes glued to the long gash starting from his left side, between two ribs, and extending all the way to his right side, right beneath his pec. The wound might be deep or shallow, It's hard to tell because of the sheer amount of blood trailing from the cut, dripping downwards and painting Hyungwon's stomach bright red.

“ _What the hell!?”_ Minhyuk instantly yells, shell-shocked and surprised. “Hyungwon-ah, why didn't you tell us you were hurt?” 

“I—I can't feel it, that’s so weird, it doesn’t even hurt,” Hyungwon responds, glancing down at his torso and blinking slowly, looking confused by the sight of his own injury.

“Because you’re in shock, you idiot!” Kihyun hisses angrily, hand suddenly gripping Changkyun’s shoulder and pulling him back, slightly rough in his haste to get to Hyungwon’s aid. 

Swallowing thickly, Changkyun allows himself to be moved away as he watches Hyungwon through vacant eyes, hardly able to hear anything over the loud ringing in his ears. It feels like there's embers in his lungs, emitting tendrils of heavy smoke that suffocate him from the inside. His blood boils and races through his veins, sending steady pulses of magma throughout his whole body. He feels like he’s burning from the inside out and he can't breathe, _he can't breathe_ —iron coats his mouth and pools on the back his throat and he doesn’t even know if it’s real or if he’s just imagining it.

Distantly, he can feel his hands come up to clutch at his own head as it throbs painfully, but the next second, everything goes blissfully dark. 

When he opens his eyes the next time, he’s met with the sight of Hyungwon slumped on the ground with a bullet shaped hole in the middle of his forehead, a perfect bullseye. The only explanation for the scene in front of him is that he’s somehow stuck in the time loop once again. Mind practically splitting at the seams, Changkyun opens his mouth and emits a raw and visceral yell, falling to his knees in the gritty asphalt and crawling forward slowly, hands desperately reaching for Hyungwon’s broken body.

**+**

{A few minutes earlier}

**Hyungwon’s POV**

“This is a new shirt,” Hyungwon grumbles and Kihyun instantly glares up at him, looking mutinous. Hyungwon wisely shuts his mouth and stands still as Kihyun continues to rip his black shirt to shreds without a second thought, careful to avoid his chest as much as possible and being careful not to aggravate his injury.

“Why didn’t you get checked out by the paramedics?” Kihyun demands, throwing away the tattered remains of the shirt to the floor and staunching the flow of blood with a clean towel that had been placed in the living room to help clean up Changkyun’s mess earlier.

“Does it really matter, now?” Hyunwoo interrupts and Hyungwon swallows down the childish response he’d been about to say out loud. 

“Sorry,” Kihyun apologizes, slightly gruff. “I’m just worried. What if you broke a rib or something? Can you breathe okay?”

“It doesn’t hurt,” Hyungwon repeats once again, and although Hoseok clicks his teeth and Kihyun frowns, he’s really not lying to them.

“He’d be in a lot more pain if he did break something,” Minhyuk grimaces as he hovers a few feet away, looking disgusted and slightly pale at the sight of the open gash.

“Not necessarily,” Hoseok ruminates with a grave voice, steady arm wrapping around Jooheon’s shoulder. “You really are in shock. That’s not a light wound, it’s bleeding quite a bit. We’ll need to patch it up well before we go to the hospital.”

“Shouldn’t we call the paramedics to come get Hyungwon?” Kihyun asks, looking grim.

Minhyuk groans as he catches sight of the slowly spreading red stain on the towel placed against Hyungwon’s chest. He backs away and fans his face, looking slightly sick. Changkyun had been partially hidden behind Minhyuk so when the blond finally moves, Hyungwon finally catches sight of him once again. Changkyun looks listless and quiet, but it’s not quite normal. There’s something slightly _off_ about him. His blank eyes are fixated on the blood on his chest as if he can’t look away, and there’s a weird sort of stillness in his expression, something that instantly triggers a deep sense of unease. 

Hyungwon’s unease is proven right when Changkyun’s hands suddenly come up to cradle his head with a pained grimace, right before he slumps forward in a dead faint.

“Changkyun!” Hyungwon yells, pushing past a startled Kihyun and trying to catch Changkyun before he hits the ground. He doesn’t manage to get there in time, but Hoseok is close enough to take over in his stead with Minhyuk’s help. A few seconds later, Changkyun is safely carried to the sofa and laid down. Minhyuk reaches for his wrist and starts to count at the same time that Hoseok places his palm over his chest to monitor his breathing. 

“What happened? Did he pass out? I didn’t think he was squeamish, not like Minhyuk hyung,” Jooheon anxiously asks, craning his neck to look at Changkyun, at least as much as he can see from his perch on the other sofa, far enough that he won’t get in anybody’s way.

“I don’t think he passed out... his eyes are open and his pupils are dilated, but he doesn’t seem to be fully conscious,” Hyunwoo frowns, leaning in over Minhyuk’s hunched over figure and intently watching Changkyun’s face.

Hyungwon instantly understands what’s happening, had guessed it the exact moment that he’d caught sight of Changkyun’s carefully blank expression.

“Let me go, he’s—he’s, _fuck,_ Kihyun, let me go, I need to check on him,” Hyungwon stutters out, frantic and worried. Kihyun’s hand is like a vice around his forearm as he tries to hold him in place.

“Don’t move, you’re making your injury worse,” Kihyun urges, fingers stained red as the towel in his hands slowly becomes sopping wet. “Hyunwoo hyung!”

Noticing that Kihyun’s struggling with holding Hyungwon back, Hyunwoo stands up and walks over to the pair once again, leaving Changkyun to Minhyuk and Hoseok’s care. The older man places his hand on his shoulder and softly presses down. “Changkyun’s okay; it was just a lot to deal with today. I’m sure he’ll be fine in just a few minutes.”

In the back of his mind, Hyungwon recognizes everyone’s actions. He notices that Minhyuk and Hyunwoo and Hoseok and Kihyun have been acting in pairs to help him and Changkyun, switching occasionally if needed, like right now. He’s been privy to the meetings too, has heard them discuss what to do in case of an emergency and how it should be handled. Hyungwon knows that Hoseok and Kihyun have been assigned to take care off Changkyun in case he had a panic attack, or if he got injured, or if he was upset. He also knows that he’s the first line of defense in case anything happens—he’s Changkyun’s soulmate, after all—but if Changkyun was beyond control, Kihyun and Hoseok were assigned to take care of him, like caregivers. 

He’s also not blind enough to miss the fact that Hyunwoo and Minhyuk always hover around him too. Minhyuk is always asking if he’s eaten and he always sidles up to him to gossip and always tries to force himself into his bed so they can sleep together, not that he has to try very hard to win. Hyungwon doesn’t miss how Hyunwoo monitors his pill usage too—though not as severely as Changkyun is monitored—doesn’t miss how Hyunwoo is there half the time when he walks away to cool off by himself, staying close enough to offer support if needed, but not close enough that it becomes stifling. He doesn’t care about the fact that he’s being watched too, not really. He knows that everything that his friends do is because they care so much. He knows this and he observes the way that Minhyuk forces his own panic down in order to monitor Changkyun’s vitals while Hoseok turns Changkyun’s head to the side, making sure that he won’t suffocate by accident from his tongue blocking his airway. 

Everyone’s being so careful, trying to remain calm and handle this unforeseen circumstance that none of them could have predicted… _but they don’t know_. They don’t know anything about Changkyun’s blackout episodes and Hyungwon was supposed to tell them at the end of the week if Changkyun refused to do it. They were never supposed to find out like this, watching it happen right before their eyes and unable to understand the reason why it happened in the first place.

“Hyung?” Kihyun starts to say. “Can you—”

“Changkyun’s not getting enough air in his lungs, his breathing is too irregular,” Hoseok speaks, silencing his own soulmate at the same time that everyone becomes silent at the ominous announcement. 

“Fuck, fuck, I _fucking_ knew it,” Hyungwon huffs out, feeling a deep burning sensation in his chest that has nothing to do with the bleeding gash across his torso. “Changkyun! Changkyun, wake up!” 

“Calm down, Hyungwon-ah, i-it’s just a panic attack, it’ll pass soon,” Kihyun tries to reassure him but Hyungwon _can’t_. Nobody understands that this isn’t something as mundane as a panic attack. Changkyun is currently re-living one of the previous cycles he’s lived through, forced to witness their deaths once again. Changkyun’s suffering a deep mental anguish that nobody in the room will ever be able to comprehend. 

_“No, no, no, not again…”_ At the sound of Changkyun’s small whimpering cries, slowly increasing in intensity, everyone stands still, as if frozen. “ _Hhnngggg… Hyungwon… Hyungwon…”_

Without wasting any time, Hyungwon breaks away from Kihyun and Hyunwoo and stumbles forward until he’s kneeling right next to Changkyun, thankful that Minhyuk quickly moves aside for him. 

_“Why are you...don’t, please don’t leave me… hyung, please don’t... I can’t, I can’t do this again...”_

Changkyun’s chest rises up and down in an unsteady rhythm, faster than normal, heavy breath coming out in pained gasps and uneven, short breaths that are obviously uncomfortable.

“Changkyun,” Hyungwon whispers, leaning in close and reaching for his hand to clutch it tight in his own hand. “Wake up for me, come on, you can do it. I’m right here, Changkyun, I’m right here. I’m okay, I promise. Wake up, Changkyun-ah. Come on baby, wake up.”

“Hyungwon,” Changkyun murmurs, hazy, half-lidded eyes opening wider as he slowly becomes alert again at the sound of his voice. Changkyun looks around in disorientation, panting out heavy, exhausted breaths as clumps of his hair stick to his damp forehead. When Changkyun finally becomes aware that everyone is surrounding him, watching him with worried sick expressions, he starts to close in on himself, sinking into the couch as if trying to hide. “What—what happened?” Changkyun asks him, turning to look at him once again. Hyungwon sighs out in relief, closing his eyes momentarily. 

“It’s nothing… you were.. No, don’t worry about it, I—”

“Hyungwon—” Changkyun interrupts, voice sounding strained. “Hyungwon, you’re hurt!”

Letting out a shrill cry, Changkyun leans forward to place his palms on Hyungwon’s chest, his thin fingers sliding over slick skin as he tries to stop the flow of blood with his bare hands. “It won’t s-stop bleeding!”

Hyungwon quickly reaches for the discarded towel that he’d carelessly thrown aside, pressing it against the nasty cut, covering Changkyun’s hand as well in his haste to cover the wound from his soulmate’s eyes, but it’s too late. 

“I’m okay, it’s just a scratch!” Hyungwon hurries to reassure him at the same time that Changkyun lets out a low sob, eyes fluttering with exhaustion before he slumps against Hyungwon in a dead faint once again. 

It’s worse this time; barely a few seconds after passing out, Changkyun starts to hyperventilate, breath rattling in his lungs as his chest rises and falls entirely too fast. Body tensing like a tightly wound coil, Changkyun’s body shakes against his chest, the sounds of ragged inhales soon drowned out by the sound of a sharp piercing cry, followed by another helpless sob.

“Hyungwon… Hyung..won…” Changkyun moans and continues crying his name out over and over, unable to say anything else in his current state of mind. Hyungwon stares in horror as Changkyun’s lips gradually start turning blue from lack of oxygen.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, wake up, come on!” Smacking Changkyun’s face hard enough to sting, Hyungwon waits for a reaction. The only thing that happens is that he's instantly pulled away from his own soulmate, Hyunwoo quickly pulling Changkyun into his own arms and carefully cradling his stiff body. At the same time, one of Hoseok’s hand snakes around Hyungwon’s waist while the other comes up to to rest on his forearm, using the leverage to pull him away from Changkyun. Hoseok’s obviously being careful to avoid touching his injury, but Hyungwon doesn't give a shit, not when he can see Changkyun shaking in Hyunwoo’s arms, vacant eyes overflowing with big fat teardrops that keep rolling down his wet cheekbones.

“Minhyuk, call one-one-nine, now! Kihyun, go get your inhaler,” Hyunwoo sternly orders, propping Changkyun up straighter and moving him around until the younger man is nestled between his legs, back resting against his chest. Bracing Changkyun’s trembling body against his with a sturdy arm, Hyunwoo brings his other hand up to tilt the younger man’s head back and to the side.

“I don't remember where it is! Maybe—maybe the medicine cabinet? Damn it, it's been years since I've needed it!” Kihyun stutters out, racing down the hall and sending panicked glances back at the living room, as if afraid to walk away for even a minute.

“Hyung… hyung, I've been trying to call one-one-nine,” Minhyuk reveals, vulnerable voice hitching. “I don't think you've noticed but the power went out a few minutes after we got here. The storm must have fucked up some of the power lines, every time I've tried to call, the line won't connect. The hospital might be out of power, too…”

It _is_ darker in the living room without any of the warm incandescent lights on, though the wide open curtains had provided enough scant light that nobody else had even noticed when the power went out, due to the chaos.

Growling low under his breath, Hyungwon ignores the sound of voices around him as he tries to get closer to Changkyun. “Let me go!”

“No. You're bleeding all over the carpet,” Hoseok tersely answers, though he sounds disconcerted at his own observation. Still, his eyes remain glued to Changkyun, who continues to cry for Hyungwon in that choked off, terrified voice.

“I don't understand, why is this happening?” Minhyuk groans thickly. “Changkyun’s never had a panic attack—”

“It doesn't matter right now. Go help bandage Hyungwon. Jooheon, go help Kihyun find his inhaler.”

“I can help him! I know what to do!” Hyungwon yells, kicking at Hoseok's shin in an effort to be released. 

“I found it!” Kihyun huffs out as he runs back into the living room, skidding to a stop next to Jooheon and bracing himself against slightly taller man before he kneels beside Changkyun. 

“Don't use the inhaler on him! What if it makes it worse! Let me go, hyung! Let me g-go!” Hyungwon forces out through gritted teeth. 

Glancing at Hyungwon regretfully, Kihyun places the inhaler against Changkyun’s mouth and presses down, forcing a spray of medicine into his lungs and… nothing happens. His ragged breathing stays the same, though getting quieter now, as if he was running out of energy to even manage that. Changkyun’s sickly skin still has that pale blue tinge to it and his red, bloodshot eyes are slowly closing shut. 

“It's not working!” Kihyun cries out, turning to glance at Hoseok, scared and seeking reassurance. 

“It's okay, calm down and try again,” Hoseok says. 

“Stop it!” Hyungwon spits out, angry beyond comprehension, watching Changkyun running out of air and unable to do anything at all. “He’s not just having a panic attack, he’s fucking—he’s having another blackout episode! He’s—HE’S GOING TO DIE AT THIS RATE! JUST LET ME HELP HIM! FUCKING LET ME GO, HOSEOK!” 

“You’re hurting yourself, Hyungwon! Calm down, you’re still—” 

Quick as lightning, Hyungwon rears his head back, hard enough to hit Hoseok’s face. The older man instantly yells and releases him, hands coming up to clutch at his bleeding nose. “You shouldn’t have tried to stop me,” Hyungwon snarls, pushing Minhyuk out of the way and kneeling next to Changkyun. Kihyun’s arms wind around his shoulders, trying to pull him back. 

“Please Hyungwon, please stop this—”

Hyungwon scrabbles at Kihyun’s fingers and forces them off, pushing the older man away at the same time that he glares at Hyunwoo, who is still holding Changkyun in his arms, looking older beyond his years as he watches the chaos surrounding them. 

“Are you going to stop me too?” Hyungwon glares at Hyunwoo, his usually handsome face contorted into a fierce, angry scowl.

“Hyungwon, please step back—we need to start doing CPR,” Minhyuk’s gravelly voice urges through the cloying tears marring his face, towel still in his hands which he tries to press against the mess of his bloody chest at the same time that he tries to yank him away from Changkyun.

“HE’S HAVING A FUCKING BLACKOUT! I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS WHAT TO DO, I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO’S FUCKING WATCHED HIM BLACKOUT BEFORE! YOU DON’T HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON, DAMN IT, STAND BACK MINHYUK, LET GO OF ME!”

“Please stop,” Jooheon whimpers, clutching at his hair as he watches them from a few feet away, looking ready to bolt from the pressure. 

“Jooheon, go to the other room,” Hyunwoo interrupts, usually stern voice sounding hollow. “Kihyun-ah, let him go. Minhyuk, you too. Let him do what he needs to.”

“Hyung! He’s going to hurt him!”

“That’s the fucking point! I _HAVE_ TO HURT HIM! I—I _HAVE_ TO HURT HIM IN ORDER TO FUCKING SAVE HIM, DON’T YOU THINK I KNOW HOW FUCKED UP THIS IS?!” Hyungwon screams, voice going raw from screaming, unable to look away from Changkyun whose shaking body is slowly going still. Beneath Changkyun’s closed eyelids, his eyes move back and forth rapidly, mind still stuck in the memory of a cycle where he watches them all die.

“This is beyond us now,” Hyunwoo says with a solemn voice, slowly laying down Changkyun on the ground and backing away slowly. “Besides… Changkyun is his soulmate. We shouldn’t intervene; Hyungwon obviously has an idea of what’s happening. We need to trust him to do what he thinks is best.”

“Hyung!” Minhyuk cries. “They both need help, we can’t just—”

Hyungwon tunes out the noise around him, focusing on Changkyun entirely. He’s running out of time; without hesitation, he grips one of Changkyun’s hip bones and squeezes, grinding flesh against bone once again. He’s not expecting it to work right away, but even after long, countless minutes, nothing happens.

It gets harder to ignore the frantic voices around him and his mind keeps cycling through the torrent of conflicting information he’d read about how to cause pain in the most efficient way. With a shaky sigh, he traces Changkyun’s torso with his fingers, debating what to do next. His eyes zero in on the center of Changkyun’s chest, where his racing heartbeat can be seen through the thin fabric clinging to his fevered skin. Hyungwon’s got no other choice but to go for the kill; his fingers grab the edges of the thin shirt and pull upwards until Changkyun’s torso is uncovered, shirt pooling around his neck. Forcefully swallowing down the guilt, Hyungwon clenches his hand into a fist and places his sharp knuckles against Changkyun’s chest. Grimacing at the sensation, Hyungwon grinds his knuckles against Changkyun’s sternum, putting so much pressure behind the forceful action that his shoulder starts hurting. The reaction is almost instant; Changkyun’s whole body jolts as if he’d been shocked and he screams in pain.

Glazed, unfocused eyes open to glance at Hyungwon in obvious confusion. “—h'ngwon?” Changkyun mumbles faintly, eyes fluttering and threatening to close once again. 

“Stay with me,” Hyungwon growls, grinding his knuckles against Changkyun’s chest once again, hating the way that the younger man cries out in pain, shaking hands coming to rest on his own clenched fist and trying to push him away weakly.

“It hurs'… s-stop...” Changkyun moans as he takes in a deep, shuddering breath. Hyungwon notices the way his breathing slowly, slowly starts to go back to normal. He’s still not quite coherent, but it doesn't matter. He’s going to be okay, as long as Hyungwon can prevent him from having another blackout.

Leaning in close to Changkyun, Hyungwon kisses his cheek, afraid to go anywhere near his mouth because of his still recovering breath.

“Changkyun-ah, I need you to keep your eyes closed.” 

“Why?... What happened, I don’t... I don’t remember. Did we go drinking again?”

Hyungwon can’t help but smile, letting out a small, wry chuckle despite the fact that he can feel tears sliding down his own face. He feels so relieved that Changkyun’s responding to him that it’s hard to hold back the desperate, ugly feeling in his chest that feels too close to grief. 

“Hyung? What happened?” Changkyun mumbles, still sounding confused. His lidded eyes blink once, twice, and before Changkyun can catch sight of his injury once again, Hyungwon quickly slides his hand over his eyes.

“I told you to keep your eyes closed, brat,” Hyungwon admonishes lightly and he sees Hoseok holding back a startled laugh, looking overwhelmed at the normality of their conversation.

“You’re being weird,” Changkyun grumbles, faint voice sounding exhausted and tired. “Did we go drinking, or not? I can’t remember shit. It’s all hazy...” 

Hyungwon debates lying to Changkyun and trying to pretend that everything is okay. He could lie—he could, but he doesn’t want to. There’s no point if Changkyun is going to end up finding out later, anyway, and he’d rather avoid the ugliness of the mess that lying would cause. Glancing at the crowd of his friends surrounding him, watching them both so carefully, he quickly makes up his mind. 

“No, we didn’t go drinking. You... you blacked out again, dummy,” Hyungwon reveals quietly. “...in front of everyone else. They know, now.”

Changkyun stiffens the slightest amount, silent and frozen still for a few seconds before he lets out a weary, resigned sigh. “When did I— _fuck_ , what the hell happened?”

“Listen... before I tell you anything, you have to promise to listen to me and do everything I say.”

Changkyun gnaws on his bottom lip, chewing on the slowly reddening flesh. “Just tell me,” he groans. 

Hyungwon snorts. “No.”

“I knew that wouldn’t work,” Changkyun growls underneath his breath. “...Fine. Fine, I promise, hyung.”

After a few seconds of silence while Hyungwon stares at Changkyun’s reddening lips (so much better than that pale, ghastly blue when he was losing his breath. So, so, so much better). 

“Do you remember this morning?” Hyungwon eventually starts. “I was in a car accident—”

Changkyun’s reaction is exactly what he expected; right away, he instantly tries to push his hand away from his eyes, desperate to see Hyungwon, while his heart rate visibly speeds up and the vein near his jugular starts thrumming quicker. Hyungwon growls and pinches Changkyun’s side unmercifully, eliciting a pained groan.

“Listen to me, idiot! What did I tell you? Let me finish speaking before you freak out.”

“That's not fair! I—”

“You promised. Now stop trying to push my hand away,” Hyungwon drawls, ignoring Minhyuk’s wide-eyed expression at the way he’s treating his barely recovered soul mate.

“Hyung…” Changkyun whines and Hyungwon pinches him again until he seems to give in, arms falling to his sides as he pants with exhaustion. “Just tell me, please.”

Hyungwon doesn’t respond, struck once again by a bone-deep sense of relief. He doesn’t know how Changkyun did it —how he managed to live through four years of watching his soulmate and bandmates die, over and over again, while still managing to (mostly) keep his sanity. Hyungwon’s having a hard enough time trying to deal with the aftermath of Changkyun’s severe breakdown, he can’t even begin to fathom how painful it must have been for Changkyun to be imprisoned in the awful nightmare that was the time loop for four years. _Four fucking years._

Inwardly gathering his wits, Hyungwon steels himself. He has to be careful in how he handles this next part; otherwise, they could have another repeat episode and he can’t stand to watch Changkyun suffer like that again.

“Do you trust me?” Hyungwon whispers, caressing Changkyun’s face softly while trying to ignore the blood staining his own fingers. 

Changkyun inhales and exhales softly for a few seconds, catching his breath. “Yes, hyung. I trust you.”

The fact that Changkyun doesn't even hesitate to say he trusts him makes something inside of Hyungwon jolt, the feeling of _something_ threatening to swallow him whole. He would say that it's happiness, but the feeling is entirely too bittersweet in the aftermath of their near disaster. Trying not to think about it, he bites his tongue until the heavy feeling goes away and then he focuses on his soulmate once again.

“Good. Now listen closely. We both know that you’ve developed an intense aversion to blood.”

“How did you you know?” Changkyun whispers, sounding wary.

“It’s not a secret. I’ve been watching you very closely for six months, it’s not exactly hard to miss. It doesn't matter, Changkyun-ah. The point I’m trying to make is that I’m slightly injured,” ignoring the tense line of Changkyun’s body, Hyungwon quickly continues, “and you’ve been having an extreme reaction to seeing the blood. You’ve blacked out twice now, and each time, it gets harder to break you out of that state. So I need you to keep your eyes closed until I tell you it’s alright to open them. Do you understand? I’m perfectly fine, my injury isn’t life-threatening, like at all, it’s just a tiny little scratch but you’re having a severe reaction to it. Can you promise that? Can you promise me that you’re going to keep your eyes close while hyungs help me dress the cut?”

Changkyun lifts his hand up, blindly feeling around and Hyungwon quickly intertwines their fingers, afraid of letting his hand stray too close to his injury. “You’re not lying to me, right hyung?” Changkyun whispers, grasping his hand as tight as he can manage. “You’re really o-okay?”

Hyungwon hates the way Changkyun's voice shakes, hates to hear the fear that Changkyun obviously tries to suppress. Slowly breathing in, Hyungwon once again tries to quieten the ugly, raw feelings of fear inside of himself. He’s scared too, of course he’s scared, but he has to hide it for his soulmate’s sake. He buries the memory of Changkyun gasping for breath and he closes his eyes for a few seconds, quietly collecting himself.

“I’m okay, Changkyun-ah. I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hyungwon: ...It's a terrible day for rain.  
> Kihyun: What do you mean? It's not raini—  
> Hyungwon: Yes. It is.  
> Kihyun: ...Oh. So it is.
> 
> {Original quote from FMA}
> 
> This chapter was emotionally draining to write. I hope you guys like it T_T


	3. Chapter 3

**Changkyun’s POV**

Hours later, it continues to rain outside. The deep, rumbling storm slowly transform into a steady, light rain that still patters against the window panes, the sound soft enough that it becomes white noise. It’s soothing, actually, and Changkyun finds himself focusing on the sound of rain without meaning to, being drawn in unintentionally. 

“You should eat more,” Kihyun speaks up, dark brown eyes watching him intensely. “Unless you’re really not hungry anymore…”

Changkyun glances at the cheap plastic package in front of him and halfheartedly picks up a plain sushi roll with his chopsticks and stuffs it in his mouth. The sushi doesn’t taste that good—convenience store food never does—and across the table from him, Jooheon frowns slightly as he pokes at his own cup of spicy ramen, picking out the small pieces of dried peas and carrots that never manage to cook properly in the microwave. 

“Sorry the food kind of sucks, the convenience store was really close to the clinic and it was the first one we saw. We should have gone to the one near the bakery and we could have picked up some sweet bread, too…” Hyunwoo apologizes, swallowing around a mouthful of gimbap. 

Changkyun can't help but tense when hearing the word clinic, and Hyungwon who happens to be sitting next to him must notice because he suddenly rests his hand on Changkyun's knee underneath the table, squeezing softly in silent reassurance. Earlier, after Kihyun and Minhyuk had tried to bandage Hyungwon properly, they’d discovered that the wound was too deep and he’d lost too much blood. Hyunwoo and Minhyuk quickly took Hyungwon to the nearest clinic for treatment, and luckily, he’d been released only an hour later after getting a whopping seventeen stitches. After being released from the clinic, the trio had returned to the apartment with several bags of cheap convenience store food, but the quality was definitely questionable as they were starting to discover.

“Don't worry, it's fine… The corner store isn’t going to be winning any Michelin stars any time soon, but at least the food is passable,” Hoseok replies with a small shrug. Next to him, Minhyuk rips opens a bag of chips and stuffs several in his mouth, dropping crumbs on his shirt without a care. Noticing Jooheon's interested stare, he passes the bag to him but not before stealing another handful.

Changkyun blinks as he watches the interaction. It’s all so normal, it almost feels jarring in comparison to the chaos from the morning. 

Next to him, Hyungwon shifts and bumps his shoulder to get his attention. “Give me some sushi,” Hyungwon slurs softly, voice pitched lower than normal. A few moments later he stifles a yawn, eyes tearing up from the strain. Changkyun’s not surprised that Hyungwon's sleepy, the bottle of painkillers he’d received at the clinic only an hour prior had several warnings on the label, and drowsiness was listed as one of the possible side effects. The other side effects were definitely less pleasant but Hyungwon has yet to show signs of suffering anything worse than extreme lethargy and sleepiness.

Quickly picking up another sushi slice, Changkyun holds it up to Hyungwon’s lips and watches the older man swallow it, scrunching his face the slightest amount. “So bland,” Hyungwon comments and Changkyun nods in agreement. 

Despite saying that, Hyungwon keeps eyeing the sushi and Changkyun silently lifts up another sushi roll and dips it in sauce before offering another piece to the older man, who gladly eats it. 

After everyone is full from lunch, the leftover food is put away in the fridge and the dishes are washed. Jooheon leaves the living room and returns after taking a quick shower, fluffy hair curling at the ends. He’s wearing loose black track pants and a bright red hoodie that he’s nearly drowning in. Without a word, he grabs a pillow and settles into the corner of one of the sofas, blinking slowly as he watches Hyungwon and Changkyun through hooded eyes.

Minhyuk joins them in the living room after he’s finished washing the dishes, drying his damp hands on his soft denim jeans. “Hyungwon-ah, are you cold? I can bring you a blanket,” he notes as he sits next to Jooheon, wrapping his arms around the younger man and pulling him close. Jooheon harrumphs at being moved but he still snuggles against Minhyuk, resting his head against his shoulder.

“I’m fine,” Hyungwon answers, before another yawn interrupts him. Changkyun can feel Hyungwon's arm as it brushes again his (Hyungwon's sitting so close, or is it him that's leaning into the other man?) and his skin does feel colder than normal, his face wan and lips still pale. It's undoubtedly because of the blood loss he suffered. Changkyun bites the inside of his cheek and stares at his own knee where Hyungwon's hand is still resting. On impulse, he covers Hyungwon's hand with his own and tangles their fingers together, sighing softly.

Eventually, Hyunwoo returns from the bathroom, freshly showered and sporting a quietly serious expression. Kihyun and Hoseok sit across from Hyungwon and Changkyun, setting down a tray with seven cups of steaming cinnamon tea.

The scent of the warm spice fills the room and Changkyun reaches for a cup and takes in a deep whiff of the calming, sweet scent. After blowing on it to cool it down, he takes a small sip and savors the taste. He stares down at the softly tinted brown liquid and watches the ripples across the surface. Everyone waits for him to finish the cup, patiently watching as he takes sip after maddeningly slow sip, trying to stall as much as he can.

He knows what’s coming next— the questions he’ll be asked and the answers he’ll be forced to give. It’s too late to hide it now, everyone knows about his blackouts from first hand experience and it's finally time for him to come clean about his experiences for the last seven months despite how much it pained him to do so. Is it too late to run away? Glancing sideways to the hallway leading to the front door, he catches Jooheon's lidded eyes instead, the usually mild-mannered rapper's expression turning mildly suspicious. Shit. Yeah, it's definitely too late to run away. Feeling the knot in his stomach tighten, Changkyun slouches into himself and reaches for his cup once again, swallowing heavily.

When Changkyun finishes his cup of tea and reaches for a second one, Hyungwon sighs softly and cradles his head against his palm. “Changkyun-ah…” he murmurs and Changkyun’s shoulders tense despite the fact that the older man doesn’t say anything else. Setting down the cup again, Changkyun glances up warily at Hyunwoo who’s seated on the sofa behind Hoseok.

“Do you want us to ask you questions, Changkyun-ah, or would you rather just start explaining?” Hyunwoo patiently asks. 

“Neither, to be honest,” Changkyun answers drily. When his response garners nothing but silence, he sighs again.

“Sorry, hyung. I don’t… I don’t know.” The truth is that Changkyun’s simply not ready for this, he’s not ready to lose what little independence he has, doesn’t want to think about what will happen once he reveals the extent of his fucked up brain and the constant cycles he’s forced to relive.

“Why don’t you let me start,” Hyungwon speaks up, wetting his dry lips. Changkyun glances at the taller man and notices the strain of his slowly clenching jaw. Hyungwon’s obviously nervous too and Changkyun feels his chest burn with self-hatred for forcing Hyungwon to keep his secret.

“No, it’s okay,” Changkyun interrupts, softly squeezing Hyungwon's hand still settled on his knee underneath the table. “You’ve tired and sore… and this is my responsibility anyway.”

Bracing himself, Changkyun lets go of Hyungwon’s hand so he can wipe his sweaty palms on the denim of his jeans. “It’s—well, I mean I don’t know how to say this. It’s weird...”

“Whatever you’ll say, we’ll believe you. Don’t worry about sounding weird, we’re used to it.” Kihyun pipes up, absentmindedly chewing on his lower lip.

Changkyun lets out a hollow laugh at the older man’s joke. Or perhaps it wasn’t a joke at all and he’d actually meant it, but Changkyun’s doesn’t care enough right now to inquire if he’s being serious or not. “I don’t care if you consider me weird. I just don’t want you to kick me out of the group when you find out what I’ve been keeping from you.”

“We wouldn’t—” Minhyuk says indignantly right before he’s cut off by Hyunwoo.

“We will not kick you out,” Hyunwoo cuts in. “We need you Changkyun, not just as another member of Monsta X, but as our friend.”

“We care about you entirely too much. You're an idiot if you think we're going to just make you leave the band.” Kihyun adds, brows furrowed in disbelief.

Changkyun looks down at his hands and sighs, counting down in his head to try to calm himself.

_10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0._

“What you saw earlier... I've been… I've been having blackout episodes for a while now—“

“And how long is a while?” Hyunwoo interrupts, crossing his arms over his chest and looking entirely too serious. 

Changkyun grimaces and reaches up to card his fingers through his hair, ruffling the wild strands in agitation. “The time loop ended around... six, no, close to seven months ago. And the episodes started a few days after that.”

Minhyuk hisses in sympathy or in slight anger, Changkyun’s not sure which one. 

“It's not as bad as it sounds,” Changkyun argues and Hyunwoo instantly holds his hand up, signalling him to stop. He shutters his eyes closed and breathes in deeply, as if trying to regain his sense of calm. Changkyun shuts his mouth with an audible click as he takes in the expression on Hyunwoo’s face. The look on the older man’s face sends shivers down his spine, feeling regret rising up and choking him. 

After a few seconds of nervous fidgeting, Changkyun hesitantly speaks up. “Hyung, just let me explain,” he murmurs quietly. “My blackouts are never this bad, so you don’t have to worry. I wasn’t in any danger or anything. It’s just… it’s just something that happens sometimes.”

“What exactly occurs during one of your blackouts?” Hoseok asks, eyes half-lidded and mouth set into a straight line.

Changkyun’s hand reaches up to scratch at his scalp, jerky fingers catching a stray hair and accidentally pulling it out. Instead of yelping at the brief pain, he swallows it down. “I… I relive old cycles of the time loop. At first, I only saw memories of your deaths that occurred during the time loop, but lately, what I see isn’t really… real. It’s like my brain makes up scenes, like an amalgamation of different experiences that happened during the different cycles just stitched together into fucking grisly nightmares.”

“You can’t be serious,” Kihyun cries numbly in response, looking like he’s going to be sick. His hand visibly shakes as he quickly sets down his cup of tea, in danger of spilling it all over his lap.

“That’s so fucked up,” Jooheon whispers under his breath, looking at Changkyun through blurry eyes. Minhyuk quickly gathers Jooheon closer to his side, offering what comfort he’s able to while he keeps looking at Changkyun with a helpless, confused expression on his pale face.

“I don’t—I don’t understand how you were able to hide this from us. We should have noticed something was wrong,” Minhyuk stutters out. “Changkyun-ah, every time you’ve had a blackout, is it always the same? Earlier, it was like you passed out all of a sudden, even if your eyes were open.”

Changkyun shrugs, clueless. “I don’t know, hyung. I’m not exactly coherent when it happens. I guess I’ve just been lucky that I can usually tell when one is about to start, so I have time to leave and go somewhere safe to ride it out,” Changkyun murmurs, trying to think back to the first time it happened. It was only a week after the time loop ended, and he’d been lying in bed and unable to sleep because of that damned ticking clock in the living room. He doesn’t know when he blacked out, but the next time he’d been coherent, he realized he’d fallen out of bed with his feet twisted around the sheets. Ever since then, the blackouts started to occur at random moments, and he stopped keeping track of them.

“The fact that you didn’t tell us about the blackouts is one thing, but if you’ve had these blackouts around us and intentionally went and hid instead of trying to get help… That’s awful. What if you got hurt? What if you stopped breathing?” Hoseok says roughly, dismayed and upset. His red-rimmed eyes bore into Changkyun intensely, and even if he’s trying to remain stoic and angry, the facade is unconvincing.

“Hyung, that hasn’t happened before. If I was really in danger, I would have told somebody,” Changkyun whines low with frustration. 

“No, you wouldn’t have,” Hyungwon quietly corrects, straightening up slightly and turning his head sideways to glance at him. “The last time were were in Bangkok, you started to have the symptoms of a blackout. We were at at a restaurant eating dinner and when you suddenly got up to go to the bathroom, I followed you.”

“I just don’t understand why you wanted to hear me pee,” Changkyun mutters acidly and Hyungwon sends him a slightly hurt look that quickly shuts him up. 

“I knew you were having a blackout but I couldn’t get to you because you locked yourself in the stall,” Hyungwon continues, ignoring his previous outburst. “And then you fainted and fell on the floor. You’re lucky you didn’t fall head-first into the bowl and drowned in toilet water, you idiot.”

“That’s a bit morbid, don’t you think?” Changkyun musters out with a slight grimace. 

Hyungwon shrugs, a stiff jerk of his shoulders that looks entirely too forced. “Perhaps, but do you understand the point I’m trying to make? These blackouts are dangerous, Changkyun, really dangerous, and you don’t seem to understand that.”

Changkyun swallows hard, and looks away from the older man, unable to stand the intense scrutiny he was being subjected to. “Sorry,” he musters out. “I didn’t think it would ever get as bad as this morning, otherwise I would have… I would have told everyone.”

“I don’t even know if I believe that,” Hyunwoo says, sounding slightly apologetic.

“Hyung… I would never intentionally hurt myself,” Changkyun awkwardly mutters, sounding embarrassed. The incredulous looks he receives in return are a surprise to him. Even after all this time, do they not realize how he truly feels? He turns to look back at Hyungwon, tries to gauge his reaction, but his face is wiped blank and he can’t tell what the other man is thinking.

“I would never hurt myself,” he repeats strongly, jaw clenching tight. “Why would I ever do that?”

“We’ve seen you swallow close to twenty pills, almost quadruple the dosage for a headache. Have you already forgotten about your suicide attempt? Because I can’t forget about it and I don’t think I ever will,” Kihyun adds in tersely, fierce eyes slanted into thin, angry slits.

Changkyun digs his fingernails into his denim clothed thighs and glares back at the older man, aggravation making his blood pump faster. “Hyung, are you serious? I’ve told you before, I wasn’t trying to kill myself.”

“Changkyun, you don’t have to lie,” Minhyuk murmurs, hands carding through Jooheon’s soft fluffy curls over and over again, silently soothing the younger man who was still staring at Changkyun through hooded eyes. “We’re not going to think of you any less, so there’s no harm in admitting it.”

“I’m not lying,” Changkyun grits out through clenched teeth, leaning forward and wrapping his arms around his own torso tightly, trying and failing to calm himself down. He glares at the floor and listens to the sound of his own agitated breathing, the silence surrounding him thick and impenetrable. 

But he is lying, though, isn’t he? That particular cycle, he’d planned to ride it out in its whole macabre glory, but the previous cycle as well as many other past ones… well, he actually _had_ killed himself. Just because he always woke up the next cycle doesn’t make it any less true. 

“Changkyun-ah?” Kihyun murmurs and Changkyun jolts, biting his lip hard. He glances at Kihyun from beneath his bangs, eyes fixed on the older man’s expression, both anger and worryreflected from the depths of his dark pupils. 

The guilt weighs heavy in his gut, and Changkyun finds that he can’t lie to them anymore. He’s already done enough.

“I-I wasn't actively trying to kill myself that time, but I will admit that I have done it before in previous cycles… I've killed myself enough times to know how to do it well and maybe that should be a cause for concern, if it wasn't for the fact that _I don’t want to die!_ Isn't that the whole point? I've died so many times already! It fucking hurts, it’s awful, it’s indescribable! It’s the worse feeling you’ll ever experience, why would I ever want to experience that again? If I offed myself before, it’s because I wanted to escape from that fucking hell that I created. And now that I’m free from that fucking nightmare, I wouldn’t—I promise, I wouldn’t hurt myself on purpose!”

Hyungwon leans closer and wraps his arm around his shoulder, trying to hug him, and Changkyun pulls away from him. His chest is starting to hurt, it feels like heat is spreading all over his body and his eyes sting too, eyelids feeling heavy and swollen. “I’m not suicidal, I’m fucking afraid of death! Why the hell would you think that I’d ever kill myself _again?_ ”

Across from him, Hoseok exhales deeply, a long drawn out breath that makes him deflate. “We can’t understand anything if you won’t tell us, Changkyun-ah. You’re right, we never thought about it like that, and it makes perfect sense for you to be afraid of death. But why try to hide your blackouts, then? I don’t understand why you would try to shoulder this by yourself, why you would suffer silently instead of seeking help.” 

“Because I don’t want to be sent to the fucking psych ward!” Changkyun yells, glancing desperately at his friends, trying to make them understand. “I don’t want to be kicked out of the group, I don’t want to be left behind! A-and maybe I’ve been acting like the biggest fucking asshole in the universe these past seven months, but I don’t… I don’t want you guys to abandon me, please I can’t—I can’t handle that! I’m sorry okay… I’m sorry I hid my blackouts from everyone else, I’m sorry I’ve been acting so stupid—”

“You’re not,” Jooheon interrupts with a low growl and Changkyun shakes his head back and forth in denial.

“I _am_ stupid! I’m the only one to blame for getting stuck in the fucking time loop, everything that’s happened so far is my fault, and it’s been seven fucking months, I should be fine now, but I’m really not! I don’t even know anymore, my head’s just a mess ever since the time loop ended and I’m just... _I’m just fucked up_ ,” Changkyun finally admits, stifling a strangled sob.

“Changkyun-ah, please don’t say that,” Hyungwon’s husky voice murmurs, the palm of his hand coming to rest on the small of his back as he rubs the space in small circles, trying to offer reassurance.

“It’s the truth,” Changkyun grits out painfully, voice rough. 

“You’re not fucked up,”Kihyun vehemently denies with a deep set scowl, tears streaking down his cheekbones. “If you were feeling perfectly normal after everything that’s happened, I would be extremely surprised. You experienced a mental trauma that lasted for years, Changkyun. It’s okay to _not_ be okay.” 

Changkyun can feel the tears coming again, and he scowls, frustrated by his inability to keep them in. He hangs his head to hide behind the limp strands of his greasy bangs, hunching into himself even further. He can’t help but feel disgusted by his own weakness, feeling shame burn hot in his core. “I hate this so much. I don’t want to remember the fucked up things I saw during the time loop. I don’t— _I don’t want to feel like this anymore_ ,” Changkyun rasps out, eyesight blurred by the liquid obscuring his vision. 

Hyungwon’s arm settles around his shoulder before he pulls him into his arms, hugging him as tight as he can manage without aggravating his bandaged injury. Hyungwon’s head comes to rest against his own, his palm sliding up to cradle his nape tenderly.

“Changkyun-ah, listen to me baby. I know it hurts and that you’d rather ignore it and pretend that everything is fine but you can’t do that anymore. You have to let it hurt. You have to be honest about how bad you’re feeling because you’ll never heal otherwise.”

“I don’t need to heal. I’m not injured,” Changkyun manages weakly, peering at Hyungwon through his dark bangs.

Hyungwon looks entirely too sorrowful as he lifts a hand to thumb away a stray tear from his wet cheekbone. “Even if you’re not bleeding, I can still see that you’re in pain, Changkyun-ah.”

A shudder runs through Changkyun’s tense body and another strangled sob forces itself free right before he breaks down crying into Hyungwon’s shoulder, shaking with uncontrollable sobs. His hands clutch the back of Hyungwon's shirt impossibly tight, wrinkling the fabric as he holds on to his soulmate in pure desperation as he drowns in wave after wave of sorrow strong enough to drown in, his heart thumping painfully in his chest.

“It’s okay,” Hyungwon murmurs, folding him tighter into his arms and murmuring reassurances against his clammy skin and the steadiness in his voice belies the tears that roll down his own face. “It’s going to be okay.”

+

Those first few days of admitting the truth to the rest of the group, Changkyun is unable to do anything. He stays in bed and cries, and it's sad that he doesn't really remember much except for murmured words of comfort and the tight press of his friends surrounding him and keeping him company at all times. He remembers small flashes—assisted sponge baths, and being fed rice and soup, and murmured whispers of love in his ear, as well as kisses on his cheek and forehead. He remembers waking up screaming in the middle of the night as his nightmares refuse to let him sleep peacefully for even a few measly hours, nightmares that are kindled like fuel with the new memory of Hyungwon's bloodstained chest. It hurts. Everything hurts, even waking up and doing basic tasks is impossible.

But slowly... so slow that it feels like forever, like a hazy dream that stretches on and on... slowly, Changkyun starts to recover, at least enough that Kihyun no longer looks close to having a coronary from sheer distress.

The first day he wakes up without screaming his throat raw, he slowly blinks at the ceiling above and breathes in quietly, afraid to disturb Hoseok still sleeping next to him, and Hyungwon tucked into his other side. It's warm under the covers. It feels good. Changkyun's stomach grumbles and he presses his hand to his bare stomach, shirt unintentionally riding up. "M'hungry," Changkyun whispers to himself, decidedly surprised. It's been a while since he's even had an appetite. Hyungwon's eyes slide open and he stares at Changkyun through bleary, tired eyes. He's got black bags under his eyes and Changkyun hopes he's not the reason why (although he knows he totally is).

Hyungwon rubs the sleep out of his eyes and groans softly, shifting closer. "Kihyunnie's probably making breakfast already. Wanna go eat in the kitchen?"

Changkyun's body feels restless and Hoseok's arm is kind of heavy as it drapes over his waist. "I... I think I do want to eat in the kitchen. Do you think he's making pancakes?"

Hyungwon's mouth twists, like he wants to laugh. "He'll make you whatever you want, don't worry about it."

Changkyun slowly nods in response and carefully untangles himself from Hoseok's embrace, slipping out of bed and holding on to Hyungwon to keep his balance—his legs feel like noodles for some reason.

Together, he walks to the kitchen with his soulmate, taking slow and unsteady steps as he clings to Hyungwon like an octopus, feeling like a fish out of water.

"Why is it so hard to walk today? I feel ridiculous."

Hyungwon steadies him, snaking an arm around his waist. "Do you regret getting up now?"

Changkyun thinks about it, the pins and needles in his legs distracting him as he takes another step. "Kinda. I wish... I wish I could stay in bed longer."

Hyungwon hums and pulls him closer as Changkyun stumbles on air. "That's how I feel every morning, you know. Don't you feel sorry for me now?"

"Not at all," Changkyun snorts but he can't help the way his mouth twitches. "You're just lazy. Waking up isn't that hard, Hyungwonnie."

"Yes it is! It's pure torture, and Kihyun is a masochistic little shit for waking up at 5 a.m. every morning." Hyungwon pauses, then glances at him with a pleading, heartfelt gaze. "Please don't tell him I said that." 

"You're so stupid," Changkyun laughs, and he clings closer to his soulmate as he hides his face in Hyungwon's arm, waiting for his choked off laughter to die down. When he's run out of steam, he looks up at Hyungwon fondly and smiles. He presses a quick kiss to Hyungwon's jaw, and starts walking forward again, slightly steadier than before. "Now let's go eat... I'm starving." 

+

Due to Hyungwon’s car accident and consequent injury, their comeback is pushed back a whole month. Changkyun is not sure whether he should be glad or not because with all of the extra time that they have, he dreads being the center of attention. 

Nobody could have predicted that Minhyuk would catch the flu, and although Changkyun feels sorry for the usually energetic man, he can't help but be glad that everyone’s attention momentarily shifts from him to his older bandmate. His relief doesn't last long because Minhyuk truly is miserable and hearing him groan all the way from the other room soon becomes unbearable. Changkyun decides to do something about it.

“What are you doing?” Kihyun asks with a suspicious glance at the object in his hand.

Changkyun eyes the butter knife he’s holding and blinks. “I need this to cut an orange. My fingernails are too short,” he explains patiently. 

“Oh, that's fine then,” Kihyun murmurs, letting out an audible sigh of relief. 

Changkyun sends him a deadpan stare. “What did you think I was going to do with it? Slit my wrists?”

Kihyun rolls his eyes. “You’re not that dumb, I would hope. I thought you might try to stab Minhyuk with it, actually. He’s being so over dramatic.”

“Stab Minhyuk with a butter knife? Now who’s being dumb,” Changkyun retaliates and Kihyun’s mouth twitches upwards in amusement. 

“Shut up, brat. Go feed him the orange, maybe it will shut him up for a little bit.”

Changkyun uses the butter knife to cut a small seam into the orange, walking to the sink and placing the knife in soapy water before walking away. Despite Kihyun’s annoyance at Minhyuk’s very vocal complaints, he doesn’t miss the fact that Kihyun is making chicken stew to feed the sick blond. 

When he passes Hyungwon in the hallway, his soulmate stops and stares at him struggling with the orange before he snorts. “You suck at this. Give me,” he commands shortly before he takes the fruit and starts peeling back the skin in quick, fast movements with his neatly trimmed fingernails.

“Thanks, I guess. I could have done it myself,” Changkyun mutters mulishly once the older man hands him the peeled fruit.

“You’re fucking welcome,” Hyungwon smirks, walking away towards the kitchen. Changkyun stares at his retreating back and swallows a snort because he knows the older man is following the scent of the fragrant homemade stew, just like a hungry vulture. 

Turning around, Changkyun follows the sounds of Minhyuk’s groans all the way back to one of the rooms, where he stops in the doorway to take in the sight of its inhabitants. Perhaps the fact that Minhyuk has a bad flu should be enough to make him stay away from the older man, but there’s no point. The fact that they all live together in such closely knit quarters means that if one of them gets sick, all of them get sick. They’re not assholes either, so sticking Minhyuk into a room by himself and quarantining the area isn’t an option when the older man always craves company when he’s sick. Glancing at the feverish blond lying underneath the covers with a weary looking Jooheon tucked tightly against his chest is enough to make his stomach flip in a weird, stupid way. He’s filled with fondness as he watches Minhyuk nuzzling against Jooheon’s forehead, whispering something against his skin in between bouts of loud, whining groans.

“Help me,” Jooheon mouths silently and Changkyun swallows a laugh, quickly shaking his head back and forth in denial. Instead, he sits on the edge of the bed and breaks the orange into individual wedges, reaching over to pop one into Minhyuk’s mouth. Almost instantly, Minhyuk moans in pleasure, chewing on the sweet fruit while juice drips from the corner of his mouth. Unfortunately, the juice starts to drip on Jooheon’s neck and he is less than amused.

“I hate you,” Jooheon murmurs, looking uncomfortable, but he still doesn’t shift away while Changkyun continues to feed the sick blond orange wedges until the whole fruit is gone. 

Grabbing a cold washcloth lying nearby, Changkyun wipes Jooheon’s neck clean from the sticky juice before he wipes Minhyuk’s mouth and chin clean. Tossing the stained fabric to the side carelessly, he grabs another cold washcloth to wipe away the perspiration on Minhyuk’s damp forehead.

“Thanks, Changkyun-ah,” Minhyuk groans, glancing at him through half-lidded, glazed over brown eyes. “I'm r-really cold, can you…?”

Changkyun ignores Jooheon’s fervent pleading asking him to stop and he grabs another blanket from the stack lying at the edge of the bed, unfolding it before he spreads it over Minhyuk and Jooheon, tucking in the edges.

“I'm dying,” Jooheon whimpers, sweat dripping from his forehead. 

“You too?” Minhyuk whines, hugging him tighter. “It's okay, hyung’s here too warm you up, baby.”

“Noooo,” Jooheon groans, but he lets himself be manhandled into lying on Minhyuk’s chest, effectively being used as an electric blanket. 

Changkyun grabs his phone and moves to another bed, watching cat videos while glancing at the pair every once in a while. When Jooheon actually looks close to passing out from the heat, Changkyun sighs with resignation before getting up and pulling up the covers, extricating Jooheon from Minhyuk’s tight hold before quickly taking his place, slipping into bed beside the shivering blond. 

“Oh god, thank fuck,” Jooheon murmurs, standing up on shaky legs and walking away from the room. “I'm going to take a cold ass shower and go sleep in the freezer.”

“Good luck with that,” Changkyun huffs, enduring the deceptively strong arms wrapping around him and pulling him closer. Minhyuk’s skin is like a space heater, exuding waves of hazy heat and Changkyun instantly feels like he’s burning up. It truly is miserable under the blankets and Changkyun starts regretting his decision only a few minutes later. 

“Love you,” Minhyuk whimpers, hot breath fanning over the crook of his neck. It fucking tickles but Changkyun simply hums and wraps an arm around Minhyuk’s waist, nuzzling into the older man's chest. “I know, hyungie. Love you too. Now please move your hand off my ass.”

“But my hand is cold and your ass is warm,” Minhyuk mutters sullenly and Changkyun laughs. 

Later, and he's unsure exactly when because he actually ends up falling asleep, he wakes up to a hand shaking him awake. 

“What?” he mutters still half asleep and when he finally opens his eyes, he's met with Hoseok’s amused smile. 

“Time to eat, Changkyun-ah. Want to leave the bed or would you rather eat here?” 

There's still a hand on his ass and perhaps that should convince him to get up and leave the bed but instead he shrugs and rubs the sleep out of his eyes. “I'll eat here.”

Once Changkyun’s finished eating a bowl of piping hot stew, he watches as Hoseok force feeds the blond beside him, cajoling him into eating with promises of giving him his second favorite pair of pants. That's probably not going to happen but Minhyuk probably won't even remember the conversation once he recovers, so it doesn't matter.

Once the bowls of stew are finished, Hoseok forces Minhyuk to swallow medicine before he gathers the dirty plates. When trying to step out of the room, he steps on a wet tissue that instantly sticks to his heel and he nearly falls over when trying to shake it off, plates rattling ominously in his arms. Somehow, he manages to stay upright and he leans his back against the edge of the doorway while grimacing in disgust, throwing imaginary daggers at Minhyuk with his eyes.

Minhyuk’s mouth trembles for a few seconds before he bursts into raspy laughter, eyes crinkling from amusement. 

“Hyung, you're so dumb,” Minhyuk teases before he yawns and settles back into bed, hand snaking underneath Changkyun’s shirt and resting over his warm stomach.

“And you're the devil when you're sick,” Hoseok grits out but Minhyuk is already half-way asleep so he doesn’t respond apart from a soft snort of defiance. “Please try not to get sick, Changkyun-ah,” Hoseok pleads with a low exasperated whine before he leaves the room.

Changkyun watches the door for a few seconds before abruptly turning to his side where he can watch Minhyuk. It doesn't take long for the older man to fall asleep and the fevered flush of his skin makes him look like a kid somehow, vulnerable and soft. The low rasp of his breathing is soothing and combined with the heat under the blankets, Changkyun finds himself drifting off as well, eyes slowly dragging close. The silence is nice.

+

It takes a while for Changkyun to notice, but once he does, he’s pissed. “Get out,” he growls, pants slid halfway off and his shirt already discarded on the bathroom floor. 

“Um, but I have to take a shower, too?” Jooheon hazards out, looking slightly frazzled as he stands in the doorway.

“Then wait your damn turn, _honey_ ,” Changkyun mutters, somehow managing to make the nickname sound threatening.

“Okay, wow, you’re really pissed,” Jooheon murmurs and he abruptly opens the door and leans his head out. “Hyung! Hyunwoo hyung! Can you come here? Changkyun-ah figured it out.”

Kihyun passes by at that exact moment and instantly stops and stares into the bathroom. He takes one look at Changkyun’s expression and grimaces before he grabs Jooheon by the collar and practically forces him out of the bathroom. “Your shower is going to have to wait, Jooheon-ah. Come on, let’s go to the kitchen and start heating up dinner. We should still have some leftover fried rice, at least...”

“Fine,” Jooheon grumbles, looking slightly put out. “Changkyun-ah, do you want me to save you some fried rice? Hoseok hyungie should be coming home from his workout soon, and you know how he hungry he gets.”

“I want you to _fucking leave_ ,” Changkyun grits out, sliding his jeans up past his thighs and quickly buttoning them back up.

“Noted,” Jooheon gulps before he leaves the bathroom, following Kihyun to the kitchen.

Changkyun slams the bathroom door close and contemplates locking it as he sits on the closed toilet lid, silently fuming. It doesn’t take long before Hyunwoo opens the door once again, slipping in quietly followed by a slightly ruffled, sleepy looking Hyungwon. The bathroom is entirely too small to fit them all comfortably. As it is, his knees brush against Hyunwoo’s legs and he shifts back, trying to get some space between them.

“What’s wrong, Changkyun-ah?” Hyunwoo patiently asks and Changkyun lets out dry bitter laugh before he looks up at the older man.

“What’s wrong? I can’t even take a shower by myself, that’s what’s wrong!”

“Oh, are you mad about Jooheonie joining you? But why? We shower in pairs a lot. It saves water,” Hyunwoo responds, backing away slightly as he realizes that Changkyun is very obviously uncomfortable with the close distance between them.

“Don't even try to lie, hyung! Hoseok takes fucking hour long baths all by himself every other day, and Kihyun just finished taking a shower before me and he was all by himself!”

“I told him to be less obvious,” Hyungwon grumbles under his breath, sounding pissed. Hyunwoo not so subtly nudges his leg and Hyungwon frowns before focusing his gaze on Changkyun once again.

“I'm going to be honest with you, Changkyun-ah. We can't have you taking showers by yourself anymore,” Hyunwoo carefully states. “If you happen to blackout in the middle of one, you could fall and slip. Do you know how dangerous it is to slip in the shower? You could hit your head or your break your hip or something equally as dangerous.”

“You make it sound like I'm an old fucking geezer! I can shower by myself just fine!” Changkyun fumes, glaring back hotly.

“You're not a geezer,” Hyungwon tries to pacify him. “You're too hot to be an old grandpa.”

Changkyun gives his soulmate a deadpan stare and even Hyunwoo turns to glance at him dubiously.

Hyungwon rolls his eyes and crosses his arms over his chest. “That was hilarious, you're both just too boring to appreciate it.”

After a loud moment of silence, Hyunwoo sighs. “I'm sorry Changkyunnie, but you have to shower with someone. We'll let you choose who you want to shower with each day, and you can shower at whatever time you want.”

“What if I want to shower at three a.m.?” Changkyun challenges rebelliously and Hyunwoo purses his mouth and sighs.

“I don't know why you would want to shower in the middle of the night, but that's fine. We're really not going to restrict you from choosing the time.”

Changkyun’s throat closes up and even though there's a whole flurry of curses he could utter, even though he has a lot to say on the matter of privacy and being treated like a child, he doesn't bother to reply. There's no point in fighting it. He's going to have to shower with someone else from now on and there's nothing he say to change Hyunwoo’s mind. This is just another repercussion, another one of those pesky rules that he has to deal with. This is his fault anyway. Everything that happens is a direct consequence of the time loop and there's no one to blame but himself.

Changkyun’s chest starts to burn, feeling overwhelmed. “Fine,” he finally mutters. 

“...So you're okay with it?” Hyunwoo carefully inquires, taking a deep assessing glance at his face, as if trying to solve a complicated puzzle.

“Whatever. There's no point in fighting, is there? I don't have a choice in the matter.”

He's just saying the truth, but his deadpan words somehow unsettle the pair watching him. 

“Hyung, would you mind leaving?” Hyungwon suddenly interrupts. “I need to take a shower, too.”

Hyunwoo shifts and scratches his arm absentmindedly, looking doubtful. “Are you sure? I don't know if you should… your stitches—”

“Are allowed to get wet and the cut isn’t bleeding. I'll be fine, and so will Changkyun, please let us shower alone.”

Hyunwoo stares at Hyungwon, eyes slightly narrowed in concentration, before he silently nods. He runs a hand over Hyungwon’s shoulder before he leaves, murmuring a warning about calling for help if something happens. The door opens and closes one last time and Hyungwon stands in front of him, arms still crossed over his chest. Changkyun stays still, staring at the tiled bathroom floor and eventually, Hyungwon sighs and reaches for his hand and pulls on it until Changkyun's forced to stand or risk falling on his face.

As soon as he’s standing in front of the older man, long slender hands reach for the hem of his shirt, raising it up and trying to get the shirt off of him. “Come on, you can't take a shower with your clothes on.”

Changkyun lets Hyungwon strip him of his clothes, heedless of the fact that he’s completely bare in front of the older man. When Hyungwon starts to strip as well, carefully unbuttoning the long row of small buttons on his long sleeve shirt, Changkyun watches, curious despite himself. Hyungwon's been forced to wear button up shirts to make it easier when it's time to change his bandage and up til now, Changkyun hasn't even been allowed to watch the process, much less actually look at the bare wound. He’s afraid of what he'll see, and although Hyungwon has been acting like the cut is no big deal, Changkyun knows better than to believe him. 

Changkyun’s weariness is proven right when Hyungwon slowly unwinds the bandage and the puckered wound is revealed. The stitches form a slightly jagged row that extends from the divot of Hyungwon's left rib cage to right underneath his right pec. The skin being held together by the stitches is reddened and slightly puffy. It's not bleeding but its still pretty bad, and the sight of it unsettles Changkyun immensely. 

“Hey, look at me, Changkyun-ah,” Hyungwon commands, hand cupping his chin and forcing him to look up at his face. “Don't look at the cut, focus on me, okay? You look slightly sick.”

Changkyun swallows hard. “Hyung… I…”

“The stitches are doing their job,” Hyungwon’s quick to reassure. “This cut will heal in no time.”

“Doesn't it... hurt,” Changkyun whispers, locking eyes with his soulmate and carefully searching for any signs of hidden pain.

“It feels numb more than anything. It’s not that bad, really,” Hyungwon murmurs confidently, dark brown eyes remaining steady and clear without any trace of pain. Even if the older man’s not lying, Changkyun finds that his own eyesight suddenly becomes blurry and he hurriedly swipes his hand across his face, trying to wipe away the evidence of the hot tears that are threatening to spill. 

Hyungwon's laugh startles him. “You’ve been crying a lot, lately.” 

“Shut up, no I haven’t,” Changkyun grouches with hot embarrassment making him flush. When Hyungwon leans down to capture his mouth gently, Changkyun allows himself to be swept up into the warm kiss, hands hovering at his sides as he struggles with indecision about where to place them. He doesn’t want to touch Hyungwon in fear of hurting him and the older man seems to notice his hesitation. With a regretful sigh, he leans back and locks eyes with him, looking pensive. 

Changkyun tries not to fidget as he stares back determinedly, sniffling softly. His faux confidence is destroyed when his stomach growls loudly and impatiently, the sound loud enough to cause him to flush once again.

“I guess we should hurry up so we can go eat,” Hyungwon drawls with barely contained amusement, lips quirked up into a half-smile. He leans forward to steal one last kiss before he turns around to turn on the water. 

Changkyun stays silent as he watches the older man step under the warm spray of water. When Hyungwon’s hand reaches out for his own, he quickly takes it before he joins the older man in the shower, reaching for shampoo to lather Hyungwon’s tangled black strands of hair. 

“Did you even brush your hair this morning?” Changkyun grumbles and Hyungwon hums in response. Although his answer is inconclusive, Changkyun simply sighs. He knows Hyungwon enough to know that the answer is no. 

Later, after they’re both clean from the shower and they’ve finished dressing themselves once again, Hyungwon sits on top of the sink and watches him as he brushes his hair. 

“I’ll shower with you from now on, if you want.”

Changkyun stares at him quickly before he turns back to look at the mirror, glancing at his own reflection.

Hyungwon swings his legs while he waits for his response and Changkyun contemplates the idea while he finishes brushing his hair and starts applying cream to his face.

“If you don’t mind…” Changkyun quietly murmurs, eyes straying from the mirror to glance at Hyungwon’s half-quirked, pleased smile.

“Of course not. I would never miss a chance to see you naked.”

Changkyun gives Hyungwon a decidedly unimpressed stare and Hyungwon’s smile transforms into a burst of laughter that follows behind him as he exits the bathroom.

+

His grisly nightmares don’t stop, unsurprisingly. In the middle of the night, Changkyun walks to the kitchen quietly, throat parched and scratchy feeling. After filling up a cup of water, he sits down on the table and lays his head down on his folded arms. He can’t get the sound of Hyungwon’s frightened screams out of his head and it’s driving him insane. He feels like he hasn’t slept properly for a couple of days now, and everyone’s taken notice. That’s why he’s not surprised when he hears the sound of footsteps echoing from the hallway right before Hoseok enters the kitchen, glancing at him with a worried frown before he opens the fridge and sticks his hand in, rooting around for something. 

When he finally sits down in the chair across from him, it’s with two cold bottles of soju. Twisting off the caps and placing them aside, he slides one bottle in front of Changkyun.

Glancing wearily at it, Changkyun turns to stare at Hoseok with a conflicted look. “I thought you and Kihyun hyung didn’t want me to drink until I turned of age.”

“What Kihyun doesn’t know won’t hurt him. Besides… you look like you really need it.”

“Wow, okay. Do I look that bad?” Changkyun says in faux indignation, voice rough from disuse. 

“Yes,” Kihyun answers from the doorway, startling them both. 

“I was just… taking this away from him,” Hoseok musters out, slowly reaching for the bottle in Changkyun’s hand. 

Kihyun snorts, looking unimpressed. “Yeah right.” A second later, he groans tiredly. “Whatever, it’s too damn late for pretenses.” Without another word, Kihyun marches towards the fridge and takes out another bottle of soju, sitting down next to Hoseok. Pushing the bottle closer to Hoseok, Kihyun sighs and rests his head on his hands, his ruffled hair standing up every which way in a comical gravity-defying way.

“Open that for me, Seok-ah.”

“Sure thing, boss,” Hoseok grins and Changkyun’s mouth quirks up the slightest amount at watching their interaction. Damn them, they’re whole relationship is sickeningly sweet. It pisses him off at the same time that it makes hope settle warmly in his chest. Him and Hyungwon aren’t quite there yet—they’ve still got a lot of baggage to sort through, considering the hectic events from the past seven months—but he hopes that one day, they’ll be able to act so casual and teasing and flirty with each other without even trying. 

“I’m not even going to ask why you’re both up in the middle of the night, drinking soju in the dark. I just have one question for the both of you,” Kihyun says in between sips of his drink. “Are you hungry? Cause I could really go for some pancakes right now.”

Changkyun and Hoseok turn to stare at each other, blinking softly and quickly coming to an unspoken agreement.

“Yes, please,” Hoseok answers. “Please make them extra fluffy.”

“Alright… but you’re both helping me.”

Half an hour later, Kihyun is clanging and clattering pots around the kitchen while making breakfast fit for an army. Changkyun and Hoseok help when instructed to, and when the others start wandering into the kitchen one after the other, drawn in by the smell of food, he’s not surprised. When the pancakes are done and the coffee and fruit are ready as well, they all move the food to the living room where they proceed to have breakfast settled into a circle around their small table, despite the fact that it’s only five in the morning. 

“I don’t know whose idea this was, but I wholeheartedly approve,” Hyunwoo murmurs quietly, reaching for another pancake from the stack at the center of the table. 

“Brilliant,” Hyungwon murmurs next to Changkyun, eyes sliding close as he stuffs another bite into his mouth. “Amazing. I’m so full… now if you don’t mind, I’m totally going back to bed after this.”

“Lazy bones,” Minhyuk teases. Hyungwon lazily flips him off, eyes still stubbornly closed. Naturally, he manages to miss and Kihyun’s half-lidded glare focuses on the slender middle finger pointed in his direction, very obviously looking tempted to lean forward and bite Hyungwon’s hand.

Changkyun snorts loudly. “Wrong person,” he informs Hyungwon as he reaches for his hand and swivels it around to the left more, until he’s flipping off Minhyuk properly. “There you go.”

“Thanks,” Hyungwon murmurs happily and Changkyun hums, smirking at a sulky Kihyun and a grinning Minhyuk.

“You guys are so not normal,” Jooheon murmurs as he stuffs another bite of fruit into his mouth, but nobody takes him seriously considering he’s wearing dark sunglasses at the table at five in the morning.

+

“It’s too fucking hot in this room, come on Changkyun-ah,” Kihyun urges, fanning himself as he stands near the door. At the sound of his voice, Changkyun pushes one side of his headphones to the side and glances at the door distractedly. His mind is still playing the hook of the song he’s composing, tinkering with it in his head and it takes a couple of tries for him to understand what Kihyun’s saying.

“Now that you mention it, it is kind of warm in here,” Changkyun agrees, turning back to the computer screen and repeating the hook one more time, trying to pinpoint the slight discordance he keeps hearing.

“Are you even paying attention to me? Aish, this kid,” Kihyun groans, reaching up to to rub the bridge of his nose in frustration.

Hoseok laughs and the sound startles Changkyun, spinning around in his seat until he spies the older man sitting down on the small sofa near the corner. Realizing that he’s being rude, he takes off his headphones completely. 

“Sorry hyung. Did you need something?”

“It’s time for dinner, you brat. And you need to leave this room for today anyway, it’s way too fucking hot. I don’t want you passing out from heat exhaustion. If you need to compose, just borrow Jooheon’s laptop back at home.”

The room _is_ unbearably hot, air sticky and damp. Even his skin feels like it’s melting, and the sensation is entirely unwelcome. Shifting around, Changkyun slowly gets up and groans, feeling sweat sliding down his temple.

“Fine, but I’m going to mess with his youtube playlists in revenge,” Changkyun agrees with a disgruntled frown.

“Why? He hasn’t done anything to you?” Hoseok huffs with an amused smile, standing up and stretching with a loud groan. 

“Because it’s fun to mess with Jooheon,” Changkyun offhandedly comments as he follows behind the two older men as they leave the room and start walking down the hall. Even the usually cold tiled floor feels like warm stones underneath his feet, and he glares at the floor in disgust.

“I thought it was just my studio… why is the whole fucking building hot?”

“I knew you were spacing out this morning, I’m not surprised you don’t remember. The building’s heating is broken. They’re supposed to fix it soon, hopefully by the end of today if not tomorrow,” Hoseok answers him.

“Usually when the heating is broken, isn’t it the other way around where the heating won’t even turn on? What kind of backwards ass building…”

Hoseok and Kihyun laugh and Changkyun just huffs as he follows behind them, wondering if this is what hell feels like. He must have been really distracted with his new song if he didn’t even notice the heat earlier.

“Why did you guys go to dance practice, then? It feels like my bones are melting.”

“Hoseok made me go,” Kihyun grouches, elbowing the older man in petty revenge.

“Yahhh that hurts, your elbow is sharp you little shit,” Hoseok grits out with a slight glare. Kihyun simply laughs and Hoseok pouts at the response, rubbing his side.

“We just felt like practicing, that’s all,” Kihyun elaborates, fanning his face again. “Now that our comeback has been delayed by another month, we’ve got more time to ourselves and we don’t really have any schedules… might as well practice.”

“How admirable,” Changkyun murmurs but he’s inwardly thinking about their next comeback. Although they had already released the date of their next comeback, the company released another notice that the comeback would be pushed back because of Hyungwon’s car accident. It was either this or leave Hyungwon out of this comeback’s promotions and nobody had wanted to do that. The fans were definitely supportive, so at least there’s that… 

“Changkyun-ah, what do you want to eat?”

“Hmm? I don’t know, whatever you guys want,” Changkyun answers, entering the practice room behind them and instantly freezing in his tracks.

On the opposite side of the wide practice room, he watches Minhyuk laughing loudly as he pushes Hyungwon to the side, sending the taller man stumbling into an unsuspecting Jooheon. Hyungwon and Jooheon both fall to the floor with a shout, looking at each other in surprise for all of a second before they both start laughing. 

“Sorry Jooheon-ah,” Hyungwon says, sounding out of breath as he leans up on his elbows. Jooheon laughs lightly in response as he slowly gets up from on top of Hyungwon.

“It’s okay, hyung,” Jooheon answers. 

“What the hell are you doing?!” Changkyun loudly interrupts, storming past Kihyun and Hoseok and walking towards the other members.

“Changkyun-ah?” Minhyuk asks, smile fading away at the seriousness of his expression. “What’s wrong?”

“Why the fuck did you push him?” Changkyun yells, brushing past the older man until he’s right by Hyungwon’s side, kneeling down next to him.

“I-I-I,” Minhyuk stutters, looking at a loss for words.

“Hyungwon’s injured, or have you forgotten?!” Changkyun growls, hand coming to rest on Hyungwon’s back so he can help him sit up. Catching Hyungwon’s surprised glance, Changkyun forgets about Minhyuk. “Hyung, are you okay? Are you hurt?” 

“I’m fine,” Hyungwon murmurs, reaching up to grab the hand that’s hovering over his chest. “I’m not hurt, Changkyun-ah.”

“Are you sure? What if the cut’s bleeding? Take off your shirt… please let me see,” Changkyun urges, feeling his head start pounding as blood rushes to his head. 

“It’s not bleeding, Changkyun-ah, are you okay? You’re shaking.”

“Let me see, I keep—I keep seeing blood,” Changkyun whispers, voice sounding rough. He doesn’t know if his mind’s playing tricks on him or if Hyungwon’s bleeding through his shirt, but there’s red dancing in his vision, mixed with dark spots out of the corner of his eyes. Feeling frantic with worry, Changkyun shakes off Hyungwon’s hand and grabs the hem of his shirt, rucking up the shirt until Hyungwon’s torso is revealed. The bandage is still wrapped tightly around him even after his no doubt rigorous dance practice. Gingerly placing his hand on the fabric, Changkyun blinks repeatedly as his eyesight blurs. He can’t tell if the blood spots shining through the soaked fabric are actually there or not, and he’s mildly suspicious that he’s going into a blackout episode. 

“Changkyun-ah… Changkyun-ah, can you hear me?” Hyungwon’s far-away sounding voice manages to break though his fugue and Changkyun glances up, hand still gingerly placed on Hyungwon’s chest. 

“I can’t tell if you’re hurt or not,” Changkyun reveals, looking pained by the admission. “I keep seeing blood,” Changkyun groans, slowly closing his eyes.

“I’m not injured, love. It’s okay, close your eyes and sit down. Breathe in, and out slowly. You’re just having another episode, it’s okay.”

“I—I need to—snap out of it,” Changkyun groans, feeling his head pound. He places his hands on his stomach, trying to stop the sick feeling from taking over. It feels like the whole world is spinning around him and when he reaches for his own thigh to pinch the skin, he’s stopped by someone unseen. He can hear voices in the background, though they’re distant.

When Changkyun opens his eyes again, he find himself reliving another cycle. 

_Changkyun-ah, it’s okay. I’m right here, can you hear me? Can you hear me? Changkyun-ah…_

When he comes back to, Changkyun’s leaning against someone’s chest and the smell of cologne alone lets him know that it’s Hoseok who’s holding him.

“Are you okay?” Hyungwon asks, barely a few inches from his face. He looks so worried, but it’s toned down, as if he didn’t want to overwhelm Changkyun with his own emotions.

Changkyun blinks, swallowing heavily. His throat’s parched and he feels tremors all over his seat soaked body. He closes his eyes and rubs at his still aching temple, hand shaking from the motion. 

Opening his tired eyes seconds later, he spies Minhyuk’s guilty looking face as he stands back from the group, eyes red-rimmed. Catching Changkyun’s gaze, the older man bites his lips before he wipes his suspiciously wet eyes. “I’m sorry, Changkyun-ah and Hyungwon-ah. We were just playing around, I didn’t even think. I won’t do it again.”

“It’s okay, we were all being stupid,” Hyungwon answers, though his eyes never stray from his soulmate. “Changkyun-ah, do you want to go to the dorm?”

“Yes… I want to take a shower. I’m all sweaty,” Changkyun hisses softly, feeling embarrassed.

“I’ll drive, let’s go,” Hyunwoo speaks up from a few feet away. Changkyun’s not sure where the older man had been earlier because he wasn’t in the practice room when he first entered but catching the leader’s serious gaze, Changkyun opts to glance away, eyes landing on Hyungwon’s clothed torso once again. His shirt is down so he can’t see the bandage, but he’s pretty confident that nobody would let Hyungwon just sit there if he was actually bleeding. The sight of blood must have been a trick of his mind, and he’s inwardly grateful that Hyungwon isn’t injured again.

“Let go home,” Kihyun murmurs softly, standing up from his position seated a few feet away from Changkyun. Hoseok stands up and reaches back down a few seconds later to pick up Changkyun, arms cradling him against his chest once again. 

“You seriously have a thing for picking me up, don’t you?” Changkyun grouses halfheartedly as he leans his head against Hoseok’s shoulder. “Hyung, you’re so weird.”

Avoiding everyone’s gaze as they head outside the building towards their van, Changkyun glances at the darkening sky. It’s cold outside, and he’s not surprised when Hyungwon forces a heavy coat on him before they get in the car. 

The drive home is silent for the most part and the atmosphere feels too heavy to break with meaningless chatter. Changkyun feels bad for snapping at Minhyuk earlier and he can tell that Hyungwon’s attention is divided between watching over him and Minhyuk at the same time, who looks entirely too somber in the back seat. Tearing his own eyesight away from the reflection of the older man in the rearview mirror, Changkyun huffs slightly under his breath and resolves to apologize to the older man later before he goes to bed. Abruptly turning to his left, Changkyun leans into Hyungwon and invades his personal space, resting his weary head on his shoulder.

“You sleepy?” Hyungwon asks quietly, hand coming up to brush away a stray hair from his face. 

Changkyun hums softly in response, feeling tired and sore and hot and stupid all at once. It’s quite a heavy combination, but he’s almost used to it at this point. 

“Go to sleep. I’ll wake you up when we get there.”

The words remind him of something, a distant, far away memory of a similar drive home, but he’d rather not think of that right now. He closes his eyes resolutely and he breathes in the scent of Hyungwon’s skin. He doesn’t remember falling asleep.

+

“I think I’m cursed… why does this keep happening?” Jooheon groans, looking miserable as he sits down on the chair next to Changkyun. 

“What happened? I didn’t notice anything,” Changkyun asks, wiping away the sweat on his neck with a towel that one of the noonas had handed to him as he’d come off the music show stage. 

“I fucked up the choreography near the end,” Jooheon reveals, glaring when Changkyun starts laughing in response. 

“That’s not so bad… at least you didn’t say the wrong lyrics like Hyungwon did for Ex-Girl.”

“Oh yeah.. Haha, I don’t feel so bad anymore, thanks Changkyun-ah,” Jooheon grins, remembering the event.

“Haven’t I suffered enough? Why do you guys keep bringing that up,” Hyungwon whines from across the room, retouching his smeared lip gloss. 

“Because it’s hilarious, that’s why,” Kihyun joins in with the teasing, letting out a gleeful laugh at the expense of one of their visuals. 

“Didn’t he also mess up during last year’s festival? He completely forgot the choreo,” Hoseok adds in helpfully through a mouthful of noodles that he’d started eating as soon as they returned from performing.

“No, don’t bring that up! Hyung, it’s so embarrassing,” Hyungwon groans. Changkyun joins in with the rest of them as they laugh at Hyungwon’s darkening blush.

Jooheon gets up a few minutes later and glances around the waiting room before he sighs. “I’m going to get some coffee from the machine or something.”

Changkyun perks up at the mention of coffee. He’d gone the whole day without any caffeine and he’s definitely going to need it if he has to stay up for another few hours. “I’ll go with you,” Changkyun quickly adds, following behind Jooheon as he leaves the waiting room. Walking side by side next to the other man, Changkyun uses the towel to wipe his neck and chest clean, feeling grimy from the sweat starting to dry.

After they’ve both gotten a can of cold coffee from the machine, Jooheon starts walking towards one of the large windows facing outside, watching dusk falling rapidly outside in the chilly January air. 

Changkyun glances at the buildings around them, squinting against the pale rays of darkening sun. “This coffee tastes like shit,” he says and Jooheon hums in agreement. 

“Tell me about it.”

Still, they both take another sip at the same time, as if in unison. When their cans are halfway empty, Jooheon shifts next to him, looking pensive as he frowns. 

“What’s wrong?” Changkyun asks, eyes lidded as he turns to stare at the older man. 

“Nothing, really,” Jooheon shrugs. “I guess I just feel a little bit sad. Lately, I feel like we’re not as close as we used to be.”

“Who? You and me?” Changkyun asks, perking up slightly from his previous slouch. 

“Yeah,” Jooheon answers, tipping up his can to swallow the last bit of coffee, throat moving up and down noisily as he chugs the bitter liquid.

“That’s not true,” Changkyun answers, shaking his can back and forth and hearing the liquid sloshing inside. He hopes it bubbles for some reason, inwardly hoping that it will make the coffee taste better.

“Isn’t it?” Jooheon pouts, looking slightly put off by Changkyun’s quick disagreement. 

Changkyun stops himself from responding right away, still shaking his can of coffee. He knows why Jooheon says that they aren’t close anymore, can understand where his hesitance comes in because if he really thinks about it, they haven’t spent a lot of time together lately. After the time-loop ended, Changkyun had been avoiding everyone in general, and between his continuous fights with Hyungwon and being immersed in hiding his secret blackouts, he’d somehow ended up avoiding Jooheon to a degree. They haven’t gone out to eat by themselves, or spent the night gaming or watching movies in one of their late night binges in what seems like a really long time now, now that he thinks about it.

“We are close,” Changkyun insists once again, voice quiet as he tries to gather his scattered thoughts. “I know I was avoiding you for a bit, after the time loop and I’m sorry about that…. But just because we haven’t spent a lot of time together, that doesn’t mean we’re not close. We still compose together, don’t we? And you help me out a lot with my music. And maybe that doesn’t seem like that big of a deal, but it is to me. I’m glad you’re my friend. I’m glad I’m in the same group as you.”

Jooheon blinks, looking away to stare at the sky once again. “I’m kind of surprised… you don’t call me hyung as much, I thought maybe you thought of me as being somewhat annoying since you’ve… you’ve experienced a lot more than I have and I can’t really relate.”

“Hmm.. nobody else can relate either, you’re not alone in that. And you’re right, I don’t call you hyung a lot. You’re really quite… innocent in some ways. You get mad so easily, but you also get upset just as quick and I find that rather endearing, if I’m being completely honest. I know I don’t always call you hyung… but think of it like this… I feel so comfortable with you that I know I can get away with it without fearing the repercussions. You’re one of my best friends, Jooheon and it’s quite comforting to me, that I can be so close to you and not worry about crossing any boundaries.”

Jooheon crushes the empty coffee can in his hand and whistles low, looking slightly overwhelmed. “Damn. I didn’t expect you to go into such detail. Thank you for… being honest with me.” 

“Of course,” Changkyun answers, smiling softly. “And one more thing... I’ll never forget that you were the first one to reach out your hand to me after No.Mercy ended. Seriously man, thanks.”

Jooheon blinks rapidly, steadfastly staring outside the window. Without a word, he turns around and starts marching down the hallway, back to their waiting room with Changkyun following close behind.

Jooheon’s hand reaches up to wipe at his face hurriedly, looking flustered. “Fucking sun is bright as hell… making my eyes water.”

Changkyun laughs, ignoring the multitude of eyes that land on him and Jooheon as they make their way through the hall. “Hyung, the sun already went down like fifteen minutes ago.”

Jooheon glares back hotly, ears slowly turning red. “It was a delayed reaction. Or maybe it was the dust… from outside… sets off my allergies really bad.”

“Hyung, you don’t have allergies,” Changkyun continues to tease the other man.

Jooheon groans. “Shut up, you little brat.”

“Aye, aye, captain.”

**+**

“Should we tell him?”

Kihyun snorts and leans into Hoseok. “Hell no. Let him figure it out. Serves him right for making fun of my height…” he trails off once Jooheon looks back at them both, looking suspicious. A second later, Jooheon turns back around and opens the kitchen cabinet, screaming in fright once a lurid green snake comes tumbling out. The cheap plastic snake falls from the cabinet and flops rather pathetically to the ground, where it comes to a stop and lies there innocently. Jooheon continues to scream in that high-pitched voice that always comes out when he’s scared and he doesn’t stop for a few long seconds. Unsurprisingly, they all laugh at the spectacle though Kihyun laughs the loudest.

“Is Jooheon dying?” Hyungwon asks from down the hall, and soon enough he enters the kitchen, looking around at them seated around the table and finally spotting Jooheon as he leans against the fridge, hands clutching his chest as he tries to slow down his racing heartbeat.

“Oh god, I’m having a heart attack,” Jooheon groans, looking flustered as he keeps looking at the snake on the ground. “Please, somebody get rid of that godforsaken thing.”

When nobody makes a move to get up and do so, Jooheon turns to look at Hyungwon and pleads silently. With a put upon sigh, Hyungwon walks to the plastic snake, picks it up and squeezes it once before unceremoniously chucking it in the trash.

“Thanks Hyungwonnie.” Jooheon steps away from the fridge and sits down hard on a seat, looking tired of life.

“You owe me,” Hyungwon says cheerfully and Changkyun snorts as he watches Hyungwon rooting around the cabinet, quickly finding the cookies Jooheon was looking for in the first place. Instantly, he opens up the package and sticks a cookie in his mouth.

“Who did it, huh?” Jooheon growls, staring at Kihyun accusingly. He’d laughed the loudest, after all.

“Serves you right for making fun of my height,” Kihyun smirks. 

Jooheon grabs a banana from the fruit bowl and throws it at Kihyun. It hits his cheek dead on. “You asshole, that was like a week ago!”

Kihyun grins unrepentantly, despite the fact that he’d just been bitch-slapped by a banana. “And? I’m still pissed.”

“Hyunwoo hyung! Kihyun’s being mean to me again!” Jooheon complains loudly and Hyunwoo stares at him from the opposite side of the kitchen table, slowly raising his cup of coffee and taking a long sip. 

“I’m right here, you know, you don’t have to yell so loud. And Kihyun-ah, stop being mean.”

Kihyun stares right at Jooheon, looking deeply amused. “No.”

Hyunwoo shrugs. “Well, I tried,” he deadpans though there’s a hint of a smile on his face and Jooheon groans once again, putting his head on the kitchen table.

“It wasn’t me, you scaredy cat. It was Minhyuk,” Kihyun says after a while, peeling the banana and taking a vicious, hard bite, which makes Hoseok wince.

The perpetrator himself is nowhere to be found, he’d run away as soon as Jooheon had opened the cabinet, no doubt afraid of being caught. 

“Minhyuk’s in the bathroom,” Changkyun chimes in with a deceptively mild voice. “He’s probably locked it but the key is in the same place as always, I’m pretty sure.”

Jooheon’s eyes turn to slits as he turns to stare at the hallway leading to the bathroom. Barely a second later, he scrambles up and runs down the hall, hollering Minhyuk’s name.

Hyungwon comes to stand next to Changkyun as he eats another cookie. He stares down at his soulmate and snorts. “You’re evil.”

“I’m not evil, I just know how to enjoy my life,” Changkyun drawls. Minhyuk’s screams echo down the hall and Changkyun lets loose a loud, carefree laugh. “Okay, maybe I am evil.”

Once Hyunwoo finishes his coffee, he gets up and placidly walks towards the bathroom, and a minute later, he comes back dragging Minhyuk and Jooheon, both of them sporting messy and rumbled clothes from their scuffle.

“Okay, I’m ready. Let’s go out.”

Murmuring an assent, everyone else gets up and heads for the door. They’ve got one free day this week, and they’re not planning on wasting it at home.

Hyunwoo drives them to their destination, a brightly lit shopping district that’s busy with throngs of people out and about doing their own shopping.

“We’ll meet here for dinner, whenever you guys are ready,” Hoseok says as he checks his pocket for his cell phone. “I’m going to go buy some new shoes... Hyung, you want to go too?”

Hyunwoo nods easily and falls into step next to Hoseok as they head for the store together. Kihyun follows after them but returns a few minutes later, skirting around the people dotting the busy sidewalk.

“Do you need something?” Hyungwon asks and Kihyun huffs as he catches his breath. Minhyuk, Jooheon and Changkyun are ahead of them and Hyungwon had been lagging behind only because he’d gotten a notification from his phone and he’d stop to check it.

“Yeah, can one of you pick up a new tube of toothpaste at the store? You should be able to find it nearby, where you’re going.”

“Sure,” Hyungwon drawls out, “The one for sensitive teeth right? I’d hate for our main vocal to damage his precious enamel.”

“That's right,” Kihyun says, ignoring the purposeful teasing. Hyungwon eyes narrow in challenge but before he can retort with another sarcastic remark, he hears Minhyuk shouting. Kihyun and Hyungwon turn around just in time to see Minhyuk eat dirt as he trips over a hole in the soft ground and lands on the grass. There’s an older lady ahead of them, holding the leash of a couple of enthusiastic puppies and it’s obvious that that’s where Minhyuk was heading for in the first place. He’d probably been overeager and had mistepped.

“Hyung! Are you okay?” Changkyun bites out worriedly, quickly ducking down to check on Minhyuk. 

Minhyuk sheepishly laughs and scratches his head, cheeks tinted red. “I’m fine. I was just excited.” 

Once Minhyuk is finally up on his feet and after he’s had a few minutes to ogle over the barking pair of fuzzy, tail-wagging puppies, he waves to the older lady and the pups.

“That was fun,” Minhyuk grins. “I can’t wait until we can have pets.” When he finally turns to look at Changkyun, he notices the frown on the youngest’s face. “What’s wrong, Changkyun-ah?”

“Hyung!” Changkyun bites out through his teeth. “I can’t believe you!”

Minhyuk’s smile slides off his face and he gulps instead. “What-what did I do?”

Changkyun glares at Minhyuk in disbelief before he starts slapping the older man’s back, growling angrily and looking worried all at once. “Be! Careful! You! Idiot!” Changkyun punctuates with every hearty slap and Minhyuk quickly resigns himself to the worried (and painful) reprimand.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry, Kyun-ah, I’ll be more careful!”

“Hyung! You have to look where you’re going when you’re running! What if you’d fallen on the sidewalk instead? What if you’d gotten hurt!?”

“I would have… scraped my palms, maybe? Changkyun-ah, even if I did fall on the sidewalk, I’m pretty sure I’d still be alright.” At Changkyun’s darkening look, Minhyuk quickly shakes his hands back and forth and quickly backtracks. “I mean, you’re totally right, I’ll be so, so careful from now on, the most careful, I’ll even wear a helmet to bed. How does that sound?” 

Changkyun sulks, but he slaps Minhyuk’s back one more time and says “You better!” A second later, his glare softens. “You’re an idiot, hyung. A helmet, really?”

Once Minhyuk accesses the situation and realizes that he’s no longer in danger of being smacked to death by a pissed off Changkyun, he grins and throws his arm around Changkyun’s neck. “You heard me right, a helmet. Maybe we can find one at the store. Now let’s go get some ice cream. Oh and Jooheon-ah, you can stop hiding, the coast is clear now.”

Jooheon, who is sitting down in between two trash cans and pretending to be a trash can himself, looks up at Changkyun suspiciously before he deems it safe to step away from the safety of his hiding place. He dusts his pants and quickly catches up to Minhyuk’s other side, acting as if nothing strange had happened.

“Minhyuk hyung, will you buy me some lunch? I’m hungry... and you still owe me for earlier.”

“What? No I don’t,” Minhyuk sulks, but at Jooheon’s glare and Changkyun’s matching glare from his other side, he gulps. “Fine, fine, I’ll buy you both some lunch. Now please stop glaring at me, I feel intimidated. Why are my dongsaengs so scary?”

Pacified, Jooheon and Changkyun share a conspiratorial grin before they both start leading Minhyuk to a nearby restaurant.

Hyungwon hums as he watches them. “I should probably go after them before something happens. I don’t know what, just _something_. Those three are a troublesome combination.”

“You’re just as bad, dummy,” Kihyun laughs, elbowing Hyungwon’s skinny frame. “See you later, I’ll text when we’re ready to meet up again.”

“'Kay.” 

Kihyun goes to find Hoseok and Hyunwoo once again, quickly getting lost in the crowd, and Hyungwon stuffs his phone back in his pocket as he strides after his soulmate and friends. Changkyun must think he’s taking too long because he turns around to stare at him expectantly. “Aren’t you coming? Hurry up.”

Hyungwon simply smiles before he hurries up so he can catch up to them.

**+**

Changkyun startles awake with a choked gasp and the phantom feeling of water in his lungs. Sitting upright in bed, his hands clutch at his chest as he struggles to catch his breath, faint, hazy memories of drowning still swimming in his mind.

The covers next to him rustle as Hyungwon wakes up as well, rising up from the tangle of covers with a small, tired groan. “Bad dream?” Hyungwon asks sleepily, resting his warm hand on Changkyun’s back and rubbing the small of his back to provide some comfort. 

Letting out a frustrated sigh, Changkyun shakes his weary head. “Memory…”

At the admittance, the older man looks slightly more awake and he rubs the sleep out of his eyes before he reaches over to the nightstand to grab a bottle of water. 

“Here, drink some. It’ll help,” he offers, handing over the bottle. 

Changkyun manages to drink a few sips before he pulls away the bottle with a look of disgust. “I don’t really want water, right now.”

Hyungwon glances at the water bottle and then observes the way Changkyun continues to clutch at his chest as he takes deep, exaggerated breaths. “Drowning, again?”

“...Yes.” Changkyun admits, closing his eyes and dropping his head to rest on his crossed arms wrapped around his raised knees. 

Hyungwon hums softly in understanding. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Changkyun’s first instinct is to keep silent, to bury the feelings of terror and confusion and loss somewhere deep inside, deep enough that he can pretend that he isn’t traumatized by the memory. But he knows he can’t do that… if he truly wants to get past the trauma caused by the time-loop, he has to be more open with his soulmate. 

“Just give me… a few minutes, please,” Changkyun murmurs, hating the sound of his own vulnerable, trembling voice.

“Sure,” Hyungwon softly agrees. The bed moves under the weight of Hyungwon’s shifting as he fixes the messed up covers. Changkyun focuses on the sensation of the small movements, focuses on the sounds of the tv drifting from the living room and faint footsteps from the kitchen.

Once Hyungwon’s done fixing the covers, he settles back in bed and curls an arm around his waist, sighing softly. It still feels weird to be sleeping in the same bed. Only a few weeks ago, they’d switched up roommates and Changkyun’s now sharing the room with Hyungwon, Kihyun and Hoseok. Instead of having bunk beds set up, their room has two single beds. They barely fit, but it’s kind of fun when they push the beds together and watch movies all together, piled up in bed and squished against each other. 

“I don’t even know where we were going in my dream,” Changkyun abruptly speaks up, opening his eyes and staring at the rays of sunlight pouring in through the slats of the windowpane. “We ditched our schedule and Hyunwoo took Hongshik’s car and we just started driving… It was late at night, it took me a few hours to convince you about the time loop. You were all spooked, and to be honest, I think you were more scared of what I told you in order to convince you to believe me, more than you were afraid of actually dying.”

“Of course we were just afraid of dying… why would we be afraid of you?”

Changkyun chuckles darkly. “I said some fucked up things… trust me, it was bad. I was acting like a fucking psycho.”

“Changkyun-ah…” Hyungwon starts, sounding hesitant. “Don’t say that, you’re not…”

“I’m not being dramatic, or over exaggerating,” Changkyun says, unfocused gaze seeming faraway and distant. “Trust me when I say that I was acting like a psychopath. Just… trust me.”

Hyungwon’s mouth opens and closes soundlessly, but in the end, he doesn’t say anything, just stares at the bed while he bites the plump flesh of his bottom lip. Changkyun’s kind of glad that he doesn’t say anything, because what _do_ you say to something like that?

“So we were in the car?” Hyungwon murmurs, prompting him to continue. After a moment, Changkyun does. 

“Hyunwoo hyung was driving and we’d gotten to the outskirts of this random town, I don’t know. I don’t remember where we were going, but we were on this winding road on a steep hill, with the sea beside us. A semi-truck came out of nowhere, and it was on the wrong side of the road. Hyunwoo swerved to avoid it, and we drove right off the cliff, tearing through the guardrail like it was nothing. The car rolled a couple of time before it finally hit the water. The windshield was crushed and smashed to pieces so when the car finally submerged underwater, it never came up again.”

Changkyun could continue… could tell Hyungwon about the way he’d watched everyone struggling to unbuckle their seatbelts, to escape through one of the numerous broken windows. Could describe the way he’d seen Hoseok manage to escape from the car, crawling out from the jagged remains of the windshield while carrying Kihyun’s limp body in his arms, and the awful feelings of jealousy and anger and spite at being left behind. He could describe the way he’d watched his soulmate die, hands scrabbling at the seatbelt and the stubborn buckle keeping him in place while the car kept sinking to the bottom of the sea. He could describe the way that their blood stained the water red, and the sensation of it clogging his ears and nose, how it filled his mouth and throat as their panicked yells and shouting turned into air bubbles that rose to the surface to never be heard again. 

Changkyun’s hands come up to cradle the side of his head, feeling sick and panicked all over again.

“Stop for a second,” Hyungwon interrupts, sitting up in bed and looking sideways at him, meeting his eyes. “I want you to look around the room and count five things you touch. Tell me what you see.”

Changkyun doesn’t have the energy to do this, but the panic making his stomach sink tells him that he should probably listen to Hyungwon.

Panting softly as he catches his breath, he glances around the room quickly and spies Hoseok’s gym bag near the other bed. The zipper is open and he can see the top of a protein bottle peeking out.

“Hoseok’s protein… in the gym bag,” Changkyun murmurs. He glances around again and the bright green color of Kihyun’s cap catches his attention. “Kihyun’s green cap.” Next to the laptop near Hoseok’s nightstand, he spies three movie ticket stubs, slightly bent from being stuck in Hoseok’s pocket. “Movie tickets,” he says after a second, recalling that Jooheon, Kihyun and Hoseok had gone to see a movie together recently.

“I can’t believe they didn’t invite us,” Hyungwon mutters spitefully, half-lidded eyes glaring at the ticket stubs in accusation.

Changkyun snorts. “They did invite us, but you were sleeping like a log and I was working on my song, so we didn’t go.”

“They could’ve woken me up,” Hyungwon insists, scrunching his nose in faux indignation.

“I don’t know if you know this, but you sleep like the dead, Hyungwonnie.”

Hyungwon’s smile turns placid as he turns to gaze at him. “You’re right. Now tell me what you see next.”

Changkyun blinks as he watches Hyungwon’s still sleepy form slumped beside him, eyes focused on him attentively. His chest doesn’t feel as tight anymore, and the realization of Hyungwon’s attempts to distract him makes something in his chest feel warm, in a good way. 

Wordlessly, Changkyun returns to glancing around the room, noticing the way the room is gradually getting lighter from the sunlight outside. A few feet away, he spies a pair of dark pants and the edge of a brightly-colored book, hiding underneath the garment. “I see your black pants, and that manga you stole from Minhyuk.”

Hyungwon glances at the items and snorts. “I didn’t steal it from Minhyuk, I just borrowed it.”

Changkyun laughs, unintentionally. 

“What?” Hyungwon inquires, looking puzzled by his sudden laughter. 

“You’re such a liar, that’s what. You ‘borrowed’ that manga book like half a year ago, and you still haven’t returned it.”

“I’m not done reading it,” Hyungwon grumbles. “It’s not stealing unless you don’t return it and I _am_ planning to return it… eventually.”

“Okay, okay, whatever you say,” Changkyun agrees, clearly not believing him in the least. Groaning tiredly, Changkyun falls back against the bed, head lightly bouncing on the pillow. He feels sweaty, and his bangs are sticking to his forehead, but his queasy stomach is slowly settling down.

“Thanks,” Changkyun murmurs, closing his eyes again as he rests for a bit longer. “I should go take a shower…”

Hyungwon settles back in place next to him, head coming to rest right next to his own as he snuggles closer, throwing his arm haphazardly over his waist. 

“We’ll take a shower later,” Hyungwon promises, hand sneaking underneath his shirt until he can trail his fingertips over his spine, slowly massaging the skin of his lower back. His fingertips are slightly cool against his fevered skin, and Changkyun groans at the sensation, inching closer to Hyungwon until he can hide his face against the crook of his neck, the familiar scent of Hyungwon’s skin and the thrum of his heartbeat lulling him back to sleep almost instantaneously.

The next time Changkyun wakes up, he’s straddling Hyungwon’s thighs and slumped against the older man as he reclines on a mountain of pillows, propped up comfortably. Hyungwon’s arm is wrapped around his waist, keeping him in place at the same time that his other hand is preoccupied with his cell phone, scrolling through comments on an online thread. Groaning slightly, Changkyun blearily blinks at the older man, meeting Hyungwon’s own quirked smile as the older man tries to hold back his amusement.

“Are you finally awake?”

Changkyun blinks again, feeling somewhat confused. “Yeah?” he mumbles, rubbing his fist against his eyes as he tries to recall how they got in this position.

“You don’t remember do you?” Hyungwon says, trying to hold back a smile. “You’ve ‘woken up’ several times now, being very affectionate and not allowing me to leave the bed… not that I tried very hard to leave.”

Changkyun doesn’t know whether to believe the older man or not because he’s never been the type to be clingy, but either way, he starts to feel a blood rushing to his face in embarrassment. Hyungwon’s smug face doesn’t help, so he buries his face against his chest until he doesn’t have to see his smirking visage, still looking as handsome as ever despite the fact that his hair is spiked up from the laying in bed, looking sleep rumpled and messy. Changkyun privately thinks that Hyungwon looks better like this, his skin glowing in the soft morning light bathing the room, traces of smudged eyeliner making his dark eyes stand out. 

“Are you embarrassed? Why? It was really cute,” Hyungwon teases, abruptly releasing his cell phone so he can bury his fingers in Changkyun’s soft hair, pressing a sloppy kiss against the crown of his head. 

“Shut up,” Changkyun whines, ears slowly turning red. 

Hyungwon simply laughs in response, chest shaking from the action and Changkyun grumbles as he endures the movement while he suddenly, stupidly, comes to the realization that he’s in love with the other man. He already knew that he was in love with Hyungwon, he’d already said as much to the older man, but right now, in this exact moment, the depth of his infatuation hits him like a slap to the face.

At the same time he comes to this realization, the skin of his hipbone warms up like if somebody had pressed an iron to it, skin blistering hot, almost boiling. Hyungwon hisses at the same time, letting out a muffled curse as he claps his hand to his chest. Almost as soon as it happens, the sensation stops and Changkyun leans back as he stares at Hyungwon with wide eyes.

“Fuck! Did you feel that?” Hyungwon asks, looking just as confused as he is. Without waiting for an answer, Hyungwon rips open his button up silk shirt that he always wears to bed, sending the buttons flying all across the room. One button hits Changkyun on the chin, but he can’t even complain because as soon as he sees Hyungwon’s chest, the words get caught in his throat. It’s not the scar across his chest that catches his attention; it’s been several months since the accident, and although the skin is still reddish and slightly puffy, the scar looks a lot better than before. No, what actually catches Changkyun’s eye is the sight of Hyungwon’s soulmate mark, nestled under his collarbone. The messy words inked on his skin are no longer black, instead they’re a deep, dark red.

“Oh,” Changkyun murmurs faintly and a moment later he leans back slightly, rucks up his sleep shirt and pulls down his boxers enough until he can see his own mark. He’s not surprised in the least to find that the words have changed color too, mirroring the dark red color of Hyungwon’s mark. Although he knew it was possible that their mark would change color, Changkyun had no idea what triggered the change so late into their relationship. At this point, they’ve been together for months and they've already consummated their bond.

The trigger for their soulmate mark changing color must have been his sudden realization about being in love with Hyungwon. That’s the only reason that Changkyun can think of, but the thought makes his head spin stupidly and he ends up gazing at his own mark for countless minutes, mesmerized by the color. 

“It had to be red…” Changkyun murmurs absentmindedly, sounding resigned.

“Are you sure?” Hyungwon rasps lowly, fingers tracing the skin of his hip bone in wonder, fingertips so soft that it nearly tickles. “It's such a dark color… it almost looks like a burgundy, violet color to me.”

“Really?” Changkyun questions, eyes straying to Hyungwon’s own soulmate mark. He touches the inked phrase and finds it a bit warmer than the surrounding skin, the color of the mark standing out so vividly against Hyungwon’s skin. He’s not sure if Hyungwon’s right or not, but the color is pretty nonetheless. With a soft sigh, he leans down and presses a soft, trailing kiss on the mark before he cups Hyungwon’s face with both hands and presses a litany of warm kisses all over his face, his chin, his nose, his cheekbones and forehead, his fluttering eyelashes and his soft lips as the older man laughs at his actions, chest shaking once again as he endures the flurry of kisses. 

“What’s gotten into you today? You’re being so clingy and sweet, it’s entirely too cute.”

“What?” Changkyun challenges, half-lidded eyes locking onto Hyungwon’s dark eyes. “Do you want me to stop?”

“Never. But if you keep going, I’m not letting you leave the bed, I’m warning you,” Hyungwon lazily smirks.

“Oh?” Changkyun pretends to think about it, staring at the way that Hyungwon’s lips tremble from hidden laughter. “That might not be so bad, now that I think about it.”

With a lighthearted chuckle, Hyungwon’s hands wind around his waist and he pulls Changkyun down to his chest once again, smiling. “You’re going to regret it, Changkyun-ah. I’ll make it so you can’t walk tomorrow.”

“That’s fine, you can just carry me,” Changkyun murmurs completely serious, nuzzling into Hyungwon’s cheekbone.

“Of course that won’t be a hardship, since I’m already carrying you in my heart,” Hyungwon drawls softly against his cheek, one palm cradling the small of his back.

There’s a small second of silence, as they both stay completely still. Then...

“Wow, I can’t believe you can say that with a straight face,” Changkyun groans out, “Ugh, why are you like this?”

“You love me anyway,” Hyungwon grins unabashedly, looking completely unrepentant.

“Fuck you,” Changkyun grumbles, but he doesn’t deny the accusation, simply breathes in slowly before he presses a deep, warm kiss against Hyungwon’s lips, the first of many more.

+

It was purely an accident, on his part. Changkyun didn’t mean to slip up…

It all started when their music show recording ended. They’d just won first place for Dramarama and they’re all surprised in a way—happy and ecstatic, and tearful all at the same time, but definitely surprised because they definitely weren’t expecting to win first place. It's true that they were hoping to win, just like every other time, but they didn’t actually expect to hear their name called out, and then the streamers and glitter started raining down on the stage and their own fans start crying with them as they bask in the experience of their first win. 

Understandably, they're all overly emotional. After the cameras have been put away and when they finally get back to their dressing room, they're finally left alone to get dressed. Changkyun ignores his own set of clean clothes and instead walks right into Hyungwon’s open arms, snaking his arms around Hyungwon’s waist and hugging his soulmate so tight his own arms start to go numb. 

“Stop crying, Hyungwonnie,” Changkyun grumbles under his breath, but he can’t help the way his own voice hitches when he delivers the light admonishment. 

“Fuck… do you think my parents saw?” Hyungwon asks hopefully, voice warbling with thick tears that haven’t stopped. “I really hope so… I’m just so happy.”

“Me too,” Changkyun responds, and he leans up, standing on his tiptoes so he can reach Hyungwon’s mouth, locking lips with the older man. Hyungwon hiccups into the kiss and breaks away temporarily to laugh at himself. After wiping another stray tear falling down his wet cheekbone, his hands come up to cradle Changkyun’s face and he reciprocates, lip-balm pink lips sliding against Changkyun’s mouth. The kiss is a little too wet and lasts a little too long to be appropriate, even for such a happy occasion, but at least none of their bandmates call them out on it. 

At last, Minhyuk interrupts, sounding amused despite the fact that his eyes are bloodshot red from all the crying. “You should be careful, if Hongshikie hyung walks in on you kissing again, he’ll have your hides. Besides, you’re making me jealous. I wish I had my own soulmate to celebrate with…” Minhyuk trails off, looking wistful as he uses a wet baby wipe to clean Jooheon’s smeared eyeliner. The younger man is seated on the sofa, looking at the multitude of notification on his phone, mostly celebratory texts from his friends and family. 

Changkyun leans back to catch his breath, feeling Hyungwon’s fingers combing through his hair and picking out small pieces of silver glitter. “What are you talking about? You have to Jooheon to celebrate with,” Changkyun mumbles distractedly, using the sleeve of his shirt to wipe his face clean. He accidentally gets makeup smeared on the sleeve and he hisses once he realizes it; the stylist noonas are going to kill him once they find out he stained his outfit. 

After a few poignant seconds of silence, made even longer by the fact that Changkyun remains oblivious to the shocked silence, Minhyuk makes a confused sound from the back of his throat. It’d be hard to replicate a second time but it catches Changkyun’s attention right away. Changkyun turns to glance at Minhyuk and upon catching sight of the blonde man’s deeply confused face, as well as Jooheon’s wide-eyed expression, he realizes what he just let slip out without meaning to. 

“What are you… talking about?” Minhyuk ventures out, raspy voice sounding loud in the quiet room. 

Changkyun freezes in place, hoping to hell that they let his comment go without further thought.

“Does that mean that Minhyukkie and Jooheon are… soulmates?” Kihyun asks, standing in front of Hoseok with a tissue in his hand, where he’d been cleaning the older man’s tear-stained face. Hoseok and Hyunwoo look just as confused, as they glance at Changkyun with twin puzzled expressions.

Great… Changkyun’s fucked. They’re not going to let this go. 

By now, it’s common knowledge that Changkyun knows more about his bandmates that they know about him, a direct consequence of the time loop. His bandmates know that he’s more knowledgeable about their lives and personalities than he lets on most of the time, but this particular secret… well, he hadn’t meant to reveal it, if ever. Minhyuk and Jooheon were supposed to find out about their soulmate status all by themselves and now he’s ruined the revelation. Well, what course of action does he have left? He can’t exactly talk himself out of this one... 

Changkyun bites the inside of his cheek and rubs the back of his neck, looking deeply apprehensive. “I promised not to hide stuff from you guys anymore… _fuck, why the hell did I ever promise that_... so yeah... Minhyuk hyung and Jooheonie are soulmates. I’m... I'm really sorry. I didn’t mean to say anything, you were supposed to figure it out by yourselves." 

Sending an apologetic grimace to the newly revealed soulmates, Changkyun leaves the room in a hurry, dragging Hyungwon behind him as he practically flees the room. Hyunwoo tries to stop them, but Changkyun’s furtive escape with Hyungwon in tow happens entirely too quick. 

A few minutes later, the pair find themselves on one of the building’s staircases, thankfully deserted except for them. Breathing heavily, Changkyun leans against the wall and tries to catch his breath. His heart is beating a little too fast, adrenaline pumping through his veins because of his sudden escape and he can feel sweat sliding down his back, his clothes sticking to his skin. 

"You okay?" Hyungwon murmurs next to him, panting slightly. Changkyun chances a look at the older man and the sight of a stray piece of glitter stuck on Hyungwon's cheekbone gives him pause.

Hyungwon continues to look concerned, hair wind-blown from their furtive running, his eyeliner ruined from all the crying and his lip balm smeared from their earlier kiss. Slowly, Changkyun's lips start to tremble with the effort not to smile. 

"M'fine," Changkyun murmurs at the same time that he steps closer to Hyungwon and embraces the older man, finally allowing the smile to break free. He reaches up to thumb away the stray piece of glitter. Hyungwon doesn't say thanks, just takes his hand and presses a small kiss against the inside of his wrist. 

"Talk to me, Kyun-ah," Hyungwon pleads quietly. 

Changkyun hums quietly, gathering his thoughts. "I didn't mean to say anything. It was a mistake..."

"It's not like you gave them bad news... they're probably really happy, just surprised." Hyungwon pauses, leaning back slightly so he can glance down at Changkyun clearly. "How is it that they didn't already know, though? I've seen Minhyuk's words before and they're definitely unique. There's no way Minhyuk would forget anyone who spoke that phrase to him." 

"That's true... it would be hard to forget someone you just met telling you to 'move out of the way, I'm gonna hurl.'"

Hyungwon laughs at the reminder, and Changkyun glances at him consideringly. "Have you actually seen his mark or did he just tell you what his words say?" 

Hyungwon's laugh turns nervous. "Sorry, but I have actually seen it. Minhyuk-ah was shameless when he was younger, I asked him about it once and he just bent over and showed me. _Mooned me_ , really. I should get him back for that..." 

"Minhyuk's soulmate mark is on his ass?" Changkyun asks incredulously. "No wonder he always showers alone. He probably didn't want anyone to know."

"The mark's on his left ass cheek... in cursive, no less. It's very pretty," Hyungwon laughs, eyes crinkling at the corners.

Changkyun watches Hyungwon for a few seconds before he leans up and brushes a kiss against the line of his jaw. "Minhyuk and Jooheon didn't know they were soulmates because they met even before Starship... they were both clubbing and drunk off their asses. If I remember correctly, it was Jooheon’s first time drinking. He got wasted way too quickly. He hardly remembers anything from that night."

"Wow... the fact that they both didn't notice because they were drunk... that's gotta really suck," Hyungwon murmurs, hissing slightly in sympathy. 

"Even without knowing they are soulmates, they've always been close. Is it really that much of a surprise?" Changkyun ventures out, sounding thoughtful. 

Hyungwon smiles once again. "I guess not. I'm just happy for both of them."

“Me too, I’m glad they have each other,” Changkyun murmurs in agreement. “I-I can’t help but feel stupid though. I didn’t mean to mess with Minhyuk and Jooheon’s bond by revealing it before they were supposed to figure it out. I don’t like interfering with soulmate stuff. It’s bad enough I fucked up our own bond by not telling you right away…”

Hyungwon flicks him on the forehead, hard. Changkyun grimaces at the stinging pain and instantly rubs the skin of his forehead, trying to will away the pain. “Ouch! What the hell was that for?”

Hyungwon shrugs, lips twisting the slightest amount into a smirk. “For being stubborn. I told you to stop blaming yourself.”

Hyungwon takes a step forward and another one and Changkyun’s forced to back up against the wall. “Hyung, that hurt,” Changkyun whines, continuing to rub the skin over his brow. 

“Good. Maybe it’ll make you rethink next time you want to bash yourself,” Hyungwon drawls out.

Changkyun huffs, put out. “I wasn’t, it’s just the truth—”

Hyungwon’s mouth crashes against Changkyun’s as the older man pins him against the wall properly, raising his hands above his head at the same time that his knee comes up to rest in the space between his thighs. 

Changkyun tries to break away from Hyungwon for all of a few seconds before his resistance is worn away by the tongue brushing against his lower lip. Sinking into the deep kiss, Changkyun moans underneath his breath, pressing closer to Hyungwon and relishing in the way that warmth settles low in his belly.

“Fuck, I love you,” Changkyun whispers, bucking up against Hyungwon’s thigh. Hyungwon’s warm mouth whispers the same sentiment against the sensitive skin of his jugular, lavishing kisses against the line of his jaw and trailing lower, closer to his chest.

The door bangs open and Changkyun and Hyungwon startle apart, backing up a couple of steps. Changkyun catches sight of Kihyun’s pissed off frown and he instantly hides behind his soulmate, shamelessly using him as a shield. 

“You’re both so ridiculous! The staircase of a music show, really?” Kihyun berates them, grabbing hold of both of them by their sleeves as he drags them along behind him. “How can you be so careless, I swear…”

“You're such a drag, you're ruining our fun,” Hyungwon argues with an obstinate half-glare, dragging his feet. 

Kihyun pulls on his sleeve harder and ignores the taller man. “Ugh, I should have been a doctor, like my mom told me to… probably a lot less stress than dealing with all of you assholes.” 

Kihyun drags them all the way back to the dressing room, murmuring curses under his breath. Hyungwon and Changkyun exchange a glance behind the pissed off vocal’s back and they instantly smile.

 _“Later,”_ Hyungwon mouths quietly and Changkyun agrees, mouth twisting up into a smirk. It’s a promise. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally done! (/^▽^)/
> 
> Please let me know what you think and thanks for all the wonderful comments.


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